Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

MrBond,

I am not afraid of my W actions. I can't control what she does or doesn't do. I can only control myself.

I have worked hard and backslide and had doubts. The one thing I know is I want stand for my M. I am trying to follow DB principles. I am moving forward based on this. I realize it takes time and effort and I fully intend to give it my all.

Without much chance to empathize or validate my W feelings because of lack of speaking, I am unsure how to handle certain situations with the W when and if they come up. That is what is troubling me not what W does.

I have self-confidence in almost everything I do except when it comes to my M. I guess this is the Alpha vs Beta that Stander talked about. When I tried to be Alpha in the M the W was ok with it until she became a WAS then it was turned around on me into a control issue. I thought I was doing fine in my M but the W had others thoughts. I now see that I was not doing the best job as a H as it pertains to my W. I know I am not a horrible person and will make a great H if given the chance with or without W.

I just needed to step back and see our M from a different view. It truly is eye-opening when you do this correctly. I hope I have done this at least, somewhat correctly. I am not done improving myself for me and me either. If another chance with my W is a by-product great!!

Cadet is right the W has given me a gift, the gift of time. I am trying to use it wisely and not ruin any, unseen by me, progress that I may have made to this point.

[AnotherStander]

Advice please

I think you need to make decisions based on the assumption that she will be gone soon, because it sounds like that's what she's preparing for. So for example the cable bill, if she leaves then would you cancel the cable service or pay the bill yourself? Whichever it is, then tell her that's what you're going to do unless she objects, and then do it.

[nit84]

AS,

I think I have based my decisions on the fact that she might be leaving soon ever since I moved back. I can't stop her if she does so that is best way to act so I don't get disappointed. It will hurt and it is not want I want but such is life in these types of situations.

She has a pattern of doing things to make it look like she is leaving and then she doesn't follow through. I have learned not to get bent out of shape so much about these things. I still get a bit nervous but it passes after I tell myself I cant control it so let it go. Someday she probably will leave and that is why each time I get to interact with her on some level I want to make the most of it.

She told me a month ago when I moved back that she had no place to go and I was forcing her out of the house by moving back. She didn't move out then and I am not sure things have changed in a month.

She does have places to go but does not want to. I think because it is nice to be in a house where their is no one who will question your whereabouts and goings on. Plus, most of her comforts would be gone.

This time it is even worse I believe because of the financial crisis she is in. I saw this coming months ago but let her go to learn for herself.

She is stubborn and I am sure she sees money trouble on the horizon for herself but that will only make her more angry and defensive.

I am preparing for this to somehow be my fault and I will empathize with her and validate her feelings. Hopefully, I wont get defensive myself. I have great confidence that I wont and I can talk in a calm soothing voice but it is what I say and how I say it that is important here.

The old me would have been in the "I told you so" mode. The new me will not allow myself to get in that mode but I want let her know without coming out and telling her I will be there for her.

I know she already knows this and that is a disadvantage for me. I have detached a decent amount but I get the feeling she knows I am still in love with her.

I guess all I want is I want to make her feel that is ok to ask me for things and I will have no expectations(I hope) and that I will never throw in it up in her face somewhere down the line.

I don't want to let her off the hook. I know she has to live with the consequences of being a WAS but I don't want to punish her.

If somehow I can let her "save face". I think it will help us overall maybe.

[nit84]

Well the talk about the bills came and went.

WE worked through it ok. She explained how she felt things are too expensive nowadays I agreed and said everything seems to be costing more.

Specific to the cable bill. She said she hardly watches TV because she is a prisoner in her(our old room) own bedroom. "This room has a TV.", I said, she said "It might be on but I don't watch I am on the computer so I just use the wifi and that's it." If we cant change it and I want to keep the sports package then she said she just wont pay for it.

I asked her if she thought this was fair since over the summer when she was watching TV and I wasn't living here hence not watching TV I still paid 1/2 the bill.

She said that is different We had an agreement. Im thinking at this point yes we did and still do... to split everything in half. Didn't say it though.

She said she would turn in her cable box and stuff I said don't worry about I will use it for the TV I won last week.

She said "that means we will be paying for another box" I said "no, I will use the one you said you wont be using." she said "we will have to pay to run another line." I said "we will get a splitter." It sounds like this was confrontational but it wasn't. Just back and forth.I miss talking to my W.

Then she hit me with a zinger. She said" Oh now we will get a splitter? I've wanted a splitter for the living room for 10 years to put a TV in there. I said"ok, we can put it in the living room no problem."

What she said next got to me a little but I didn't let it show.

she said "no reason to put it there now, we are packing up to leave."

I said "oh ok then my bedroom it is."

She didn't pack anything else up today just what I alluded to in my previous post.

What she said struck me though.

"we are packing up to leave." meaning her and I. Umm I am not packing anything up. I am putting things away But not packing them up.

Now this brings up the issue of improvements. I planned on starting to paint in the Dining room/living room which is where she is packing things up from.

This is great, less things in my way to move and paint around. When I bring this up or just start doing it. It most certainly will be asked why am I doing this when we are leaving.

The obvious response is that it needs painted to get a better offer if we go to sell it. The problem with this is I don't want to sell it But I am not sure I can afford it on my own. I think I can but not 100% positive.

After we finished she thanked me doing what she asked and left. It wasn't that bad after all the worrying I did about it. She also did say a little about not having much money. I didn't pursue the topic. I figure in a week or so when more bills come due that topic will resurface. We still have joint accounts so I can anticipate when the next discussion will happen.

I think I could have done a better job with certain parts of the conversation but it is a start.

One thing is bothering me though. The prisoner in her own bedroom reference. She never gets home from the gym till it is almost time to go to bed after making her dinner. On several occasions I have offered to go upstairs while she comes downstairs and watches TV while having her dinner. She has never taken me up on it and just retreats to her room with the door shut.Other than not being downstairs watching TV when she comes home which will allow to use it. I don't know any other way to prevent her from feeling this way.

[nit84]

@ Another stander,

I was rereading your post from Yesterday and failed to read it completely after I did I now have a question/comment.

If she left, I would pay the bill completely myself if she stopped paying. I would probably look to start a new plan to lower it. I cant let her know this can I?

Wouldn't that allow her to stay and not pay her share if she knew I could afford it. I would pay it all if she stayed also just don't want her, if she hasn't, to realize this either do I?. Of course, if we were working on the M that would change everything. I have a plan in mind if we R and she is still without work. I would certainly like her ideas on what she thinks we could do to handle the lower household income and incorporate it into a joint decision. This is something I didn't do according to her before the S.

The W is trying to lower it now. She and I agreed that she will handle the bills, I guess, till if or when we D. I have no problem with her taking charge and inquiring to save money. It is the prudent thing to do if we can.

I think she will handle the bills even if she moves out until D. Haven't asked that question because I am trying not to bring that subject up.

You say to decide what I am doing and do it unless she objects,

I agree about deciding what to do and following through on it, but I don't think telling her what I am going to do if she moves out is a subject I want to bring up. Should it be?

Am I misunderstanding what you are trying to tell me?

Or is that comment based on things after she has already moved out and that is just keeping her updated on my plans?

Being decisive is an Alpha behavior. I thought I did this in our M a good deal. The problem is it got turned on me as being controlling and not taking her thoughts or opinions into account.

I know the W will be turn everything into a negative right now but if we were to R how do you combat the feeling that being decisive is also being controlling? When that is not my intentions.

[nit84]

Things I wonder about while washing my hands. Not trying to read anything into any of it. I know W is a different type person than me in a lot of aspects.

I have put myself in her shoes to try and understand her feelings for wanting a D to better allow myself to validate her feelings.

Now I am putting myself in her shoes as it relates to getting D. I don't know if it is healthy or wise to do so, but again it is things I think about while washing my hands.


1.) W screamed and yelled that she couldn't live with me the night I moved back. Why is she still living there after almost 2 months?


2.) If D is want she wants why not do anything within her power to make it happen. Borrow the money for L, just out and out take it from one of our joint accounts, or intensify her efforts to find a job to pay for it herself?

3.)If there is not OM then why not at least try MC or IC for that matter? If it still doesn't lead to R at least it was our best effort.

4.) If there is an OM than why not tell me and see if I then would take it upon myself to file( I wont but W doesn't know that). Even if it doesn't make me file it surely would stomp on my heart and since W hates me currently who cares.

5.) If she is packing up to leave why stop after just a few boxes then wait a couple months and pack a few more in front of me? Why not take these boxes from the home and store them offsite.

I can't say for sure if I was in her position I would do anything different from above but in my head if I said things and acted the way W has I certainly would think I would be more focused on my end game.

I would want to get the ball rolling as soon as possible on all facets of moving on with my life. If I didn't wouldn't that make me look like I am not serious and being somewhat immature or worse yet allow somebody to call my bluff, if it is a bluff, and make me look and feel foolish,making an attempt at R that much more difficult?

Or do I hope and Pray that my LBH is still there for me and all will be forgiven because all I really wanted was to get away from being M to them for a while to test the waters.



Again these are just things I wonder about while washing my hands

[nit84]

for 1.) I meant "here" not "there"

[nit84]

Two questions

1.) I was preparing a Superbowl dinner for myself, having a great time. A song came on the radio I was singing thinking I was alone. I didn't hear W come home. After the song was over I said to myself(because I thought I was alone)out loud "and that is why I love you so much (insert W name)". Just then she came around the corner. I know she heard me. Did I just blow any progress I may have made?


2.) W is unemployed, her benefits have run out. A temporary position to maybe permanent position has opened at my company it pays what she was making at her previous job and is the same distance from home and work hours. No one at work knows our situation. The office manager knows she is unemployed but that is it. The office manager said she thought W is highly qualified to do this work which she is. She asked if W may be interested. I said I would ask.

My question is do I even approach my W with this or let it go?

[nit84]

AS, sorry to see that you received those D papers.

[AnotherStander]

Just then she came around the corner. I know she heard me. Did I just blow any progress I may have made?

No not at all, Sandi's rule is not to tell THEM you love them. The reason is because you can't do it without an expectation on your part and hers that she'll say it back, so when she doesn't it hangs in the air like an ugly stench. If she hears you saying it to yourself once or twice, no biggie. She knows you love her, that's not the issue. The issue is that she doesn't want to reciprocate that love right now.

The office manager knows she is unemployed but that is it. The office manager said she thought W is highly qualified to do this work which she is.

Oh wow. I've read a lot of threads here, but that is a first for me! How big is the office, would you see W constantly or hardly ever? If you will see her constantly, what would that do to your ability to carry out your work responsibilities?