Things have been going well for me and my marriage. Over the past 6 months, things have improved. My W is more engaged in family, she seems less depressed, we interact nicely, we go out together, make love, she invites me places, we went out recently to a friends and a large group watched a movie afterwards and she let me put my arm around her in front of her friends. Then, last week on Friday she went out with some girlfriends from her work, who are much younger than her. She had a good time and came home very late, about 1am. She was very happy, came in bed naked and started talking me up. I was tired in a not in the mood. She told me two things. She said how her mother told her she would never do better than me – I know her mom likes me. She then told me very softly, “I love you.” Well, its been a long time since I’ve heard those words. I asked how many drinks she had, and she told me 4 over the entire night. She was slightly drunk.
Anyway, I’ve reread the Divorce Remedy book and I need to start asking for what I want, which is a chapter in her book. I also want to slowly start engaging my W in relationship discussions. So last night, I made us dinner and we ate alone after our 3 kids went to bed. We were talking, and then I brought up what she said the other night.
Me: The other night when you said that you loved me, I asked if you were drinking because it’s been a long time since you’ve told me that.
I forget what she said, it was something to the effect of why am I making a fuss out of it. She then changed the subject. After 5 minutes of something else, I guided the conversation back,
Me: I have confused feelings, on the one hand I’m happy but on the other hand, after you telling me the opposite for so long, I’m a little depressed too.
W: I never said that I didn’t love you.
Me: Yes, you’re correct, you never actually said it, but you’ve done 100 things that show it.
W: silence for a few and then a hundred? Really? (she makes a face as if I’m from Mars and don’t know what I’m talking about)
Me: 7 months ago you fooled around with that surfer dude one night, you told our friend that you were only staying with me for the kids, and I gave one more example.
W: when did our friend tell you that?
Me: it was a year ago.
W: I don’t want to talk about that. It was what I was feeling at the time. What do you want to hear from me? ….
I told her that it would mean more to me if she said she loved me when she was sober. She joked that the opposite should be true. I disagreed. I also told her, after she said “what do you want me to say?” that I would like if she acknowledged that I’m not crazy, apologize, say she’s happy to be here. She didn’t apologize, she downplayed everything as if it didn’t happen. She then put her head against mine and said “I do love you.” Our conversation, for what it was, ended. Soon after we went to bed.
Any thoughts? My W is not quite out of MLC. She is apparently not ready to talk about it. It is interesting her take on things. My W has a great memory for these things, so her version is a really altered reality. I’ve read on this board how a MLCer will say things to friends, etc. to test ideas out loud. She did this many times.
I feel that to build a stronger relationship, we'll have to start discussing our relationship and what we each want from it. I'm patient and will wait before I instigate another conversation like this.
