I may have done too much

[AnotherStander]

I was heading home with the intention of telling her she should stay elsewhere, but your post gave me pause. I came home, was nice, and social. She did not bring anything up. I am glad I did not bring it up. Thank you, I was geared up to.

Great! And you're welcome The more you do this the more you'll see how removing pressure from her will put her more at ease. It's still a long road to recovery, but removing the pressure buys you time.

I am the caretaker and planner. Right now I have no plan which is uncomfortable for me. I want to plan, but am avoiding the urge.

I can relate. I too was the "caretaker" of the family. Little did I know that what I always thought was just being a prudent planner my W saw as being controlling. I never meant to be that way, I thought I was doing what she wanted me to do (IE- run the family). So just keep that in mind, your W probably felt like you were controlling as well so a 180 on that is to back off. So you're doing the right thing.

It is difficult not to think about our marriage. I have been focusing on myself, and trying to get into things. I keep thinking, is this just making us grow apart more.

DB'ing is counterintuitive. It doesn't "feel" right. Our inclination is to beg, plead, reason, negotiate, reach out. Why? Because in the past that DID work to smooth things over after an argument. But dealing with a WAS is new territory, what worked before no longer works. The WAS is on their journey and we can't help them other than by getting out of their way.

and when we talk it has been hard not to fall into the old habits. I mean like, talking about things I find amusing, or stories I would tell.

It's OK to talk to her about funny stories and such. Sandi's rules tell you what not to talk about (D, R, M) but light and fluffy talk is fine.

I guess I am just trying not to regress into wondering why she is acting like she is.

We all want to know "why". But take it from every vet who has ever posted here, you'll never get a satisfactory answer to that. The truth is your WAW is confused and in turmoil right now, even she doesn't know why she's doing what she's doing.

I just worry I am losing her.

I'm going to tell you something that may hurt now but will help you later. You ALREADY lost her. Once the WAS BD's, they're already gone. Your goal is not to restore your M. You have to look at it as dead and gone. This is a wakeup call that you have to pursue a new path, make yourself into the person you never thought possible. Better, stronger, more attractive, more independent. Grieve the loss of your M and then get busy making yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave. When you do THAT, THEN she might look back. And if she does, your goal is to create a NEW R and M with her, not restore the old one.

Avoding divorce talks and I assume I should be avoiding planning talks about her moving out, or selling the house, or any of these things.

Correct. It's OK to discuss if she initiates, but let her lead the convo's. You just listen and validate.

But from what she has said, she does not want to work on this. I still do. So I don't know what to do.

Give her her wish. Don't work on the M. Work on you.