I found it interesting that your wife was berating you for not immediately responding to her texts. My wife likes to drop off the radar screen at times, but often scolds me for not answering my phone promptly. Sometimes I don't have it with me, or I may just have the ringer turned down. She likes to try to make me feel that I am not dependable because I don't immediately answer her. My job is to let her know that I am not obligated to even carry a phone with me.
I'm not sure why your wife expects you to be available to her upon demand. While she's carrying on another relationship? Only a fool would be available!
Your wife sounds like she's just using you to fix her problems. She's having fun with her other guy, but knows to call you to handle her day to day difficulties. I'd restructure your role with her if I were you.
Me: 49 Wife: 39 D's: 9 & 11 Together: 15 Married: 13 Bomb 1 ILYBNILWU: 08/2012 Bomb 2 I feel dead inside towards you: 12/2013 EA? 06/2012-?
I found it interesting that your wife was berating you for not immediately responding to her texts. My wife likes to drop off the radar screen at times, but often scolds me for not answering my phone promptly. Sometimes I don't have it with me, or I may just have the ringer turned down. She likes to try to make me feel that I am not dependable because I don't immediately answer her. My job is to let her know that I am not obligated to even carry a phone with me.
I'm not sure why your wife expects you to be available to her upon demand. While she's carrying on another relationship? Only a fool would be available!
Your wife sounds like she's just using you to fix her problems. She's having fun with her other guy, but knows to call you to handle her day to day difficulties. I'd restructure your role with her if I were you.
I agree I need to restructure, but I gotta find a balance. I don't want to play into her thinking that I haven't changed and give her more of a reason to justify why she left. It's about perception. She has a negative perception of me and I really don't want to play into that. I really want to be that guy only a fool would leave.
I'm already dim/dark right now. I don't ask questions about her new guy or what she's been up to. If anything she initiates texts and asks what I'm doing. What I struggle with is her assumptions about me. This is where I have to be mr compassion even when my anger flares up. If she gets upset with me based on her perception I have to take the high road and be mr compassionate. I know she is broken and has many issues. It's hard though.
I still want her to know I have her back because she is the mother of my child. So if by me listening to her rant about her mom or friends ill do that. How long will I do this I do not know. The last time she broke up with me I was there for her and I know that opened up her eyes about the guys she was dating. Just little things like I would ask about her new job while the guy she was dating didn't. I'm not going over and beyond but just everyday simple conversation. Women like to talk about themselves. I don't think it's overstepping any boundaries by me listening to her or asking about her day from time to time.
Who knows though...
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
Mind reading time? Or maybe it's doing something different and seeing what happens.
What I've been doing differently is keeping my mouth shut regarding other dude and what she's been up to. I even saw mr special's flowers he got her. I didn't say a word. I'm being upbeat/calm/happy when she expects me to be heartbroken/needy/angry/jealous etc. I haven't initiated any texts/calls.
So my ex texts me around lunch time asking how our son has been. I tell her some funny stuff he's done. Usually that would be the end of it. She kept the text going a bit which really surprised me. We all know how she likes to not text back but expect me to jump to the pump. Then tonight she actually calls me. I can't remember the last time she called to ask about our son. I told her he was sleeping but I could wake him so she could say hi. She declined. We ended up talking for a while about random stuff. Clothes we need to get our son, colors she wants to dye her hair(she mentioned she doesn't want to go to a hair dresser. I used to dye her hair. Ya I know), she asked where I took my son yesterday(I posted a pic on fb of him playing at the arcade), she even mentioned she wanted to come by here tomorrow for a family visit. She even said goodnight first(it's pretty sad that I think it's a positive that she actually said goodnight). After the call ended she texts me again. Telling me her tv still doesn't work. We texted for a bit about nothing really. Here's a 180 for me, I let her be the last to text. I actually didnt reply back! Mind you it wasnt a question or anything, but it's still a 180 for me to just end a conversation. I never end conversations. I've always been like that with everybody. When my ex and I first met we would stay on the phone until morning or until she fell asleep on the phone.
So those are a few things that I've noticed. I just want to journal here that she in fact does bounce around on what she says. I really need to fully understand that her words(especially when she's mad), mean absolutely nothing. I repeat, her words mean squat, diddle, nothing...
I have a question. You know when people say be that guy she fell in love with. Does that sort of thinking still apply to me? I have a hunch that is what turned her around the first time she left. Either way I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing. Going out, lift weights, read, listen to music, play my guitar, flirt with women, have fun with my son, cry in the shower every once in a while etc. One day at a time...
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
2nd, I like how you're being a friend to her...not too much just enough to keep her contacting you. Great job on the 180s. May I ask how is your son handling this? My daughter's coping mechanism right now is pretending that daddy is here. A couple nights ago we played hide-and-seek with him (but he wasn't actually there). Weird. Asking because our kids are the same age.
Me:28 H:30 D:3 M:6.5 T:7.5 BD: 10-27-13 H moved out: 11-01-13 Handling other paperwork before petition is to be filed.
2nd, I like how you're being a friend to her...not too much just enough to keep her contacting you. Great job on the 180s. May I ask how is your son handling this? My daughter's coping mechanism right now is pretending that daddy is here. A couple nights ago we played hide-and-seek with him (but he wasn't actually there). Weird. Asking because our kids are the same age.
Hey dylis
About my son. It's very weird. It's like he has no clue what's going on. Maybe because he went through this before? I'm pretty much the primary caregiver even though it's "50-50". I've had him since Sunday night and I'll probably have him til the weekend. When he's with me the only time he calls for mommy is when he's having a meltdown. Which isn't too often. When he's with her she tells me he misses me and the day she met her sister I had to come and et them becaused he wanted to see me. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for this. I feel he needs to see her more often but it is what it is and I'll gladly take this time to bond with him.
About last night. A bit of misunderstanding on my part. She had a girls night out last night and is supposed to come by tonight. I just assumed/had no expectations last night when she didnt call. At least she called today to verify for tonight. I appreciate her calling rather than the usual text.
On a side not I'm glad she had a girls night out. 2 reasons. She needs it and it's one extra night she's not with captain awesome. Tonight will be another plus.
Anyway, I gotta keep my attention/focus on my son and myself, while maintaining PMA when I'm around her. I'm tired of setbacks and would prefer to do whatever it takes to not have another one.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
Tonight I did some more 180's and got more verification of how flip floppy and unreliable she is(like I need more verification,haha). We agreed I'd just pick her up from work at 7 then head to Walmart. She texted me later in the day to meet at walmart. A classic example of how she always changes her mind/plans. I say no worries meet you there. Usually I'd text beforehand to make sure the plan is still on, only to have her say we already discussed it. So I 180'd and decided to go with said plan. 8 o clock rolls around and I'm in Walmart parking lot. I text her and get no response so I call and still no response. She texts back saying she's running late(mind you she's off at 7 so she went somewhere). My mind reading skills suspect she went to get a quick workout in with her boss. Anyway, she finally shows up at 8:30 wearing sweats and looking kind of rough around the edges. Her perception of me is that id make a stink over her being late(i used to but counseling helped me with that, i havent made a comment about her being late in 2 years. And she is always late). I asked if she did a workout, but she said she did in the morning. I left it at that and said nothing more, another 180. But I am wondering why she was in her sweat pants and jogging shoes. Surely she didnt meet up with captain awesome looking like that!
So we're walking around Walmart and she's getting all upset because she can't decide anything. She does that and I just keep suggesting things to her, more for my amusement because I'm telling her to get batman shirts. Haha. So we decide to eat at my place. She buys a few things to eat(she refrained from buying pop because she said she's not drinking pop anymore) and we head home. We actually had a decent time making food and eating. She even suggested playing rockband but it was getting late.
We're sitting on the couch and she starts playing with her phone(Facebook). She's showing me her ex's before me for some reason. I 180'd huge here and acted like I was interested. Here's where I get pissed off inside. As she's showing me her phone I see that captain stupendous texts her twice. She didnt even turn the phone away from me. I tried to read it but her phone is cracked into a million pieces I could barely make out the words. Another huge 180, I said nothing. Honestly I wasn't even that mad. I just told myself this girl is damaged and I should feel compassion(pity, haha) for her. She has no clue what she's doing. She is so oblivious of the pain she caused me and all the responsibilities she's left me with. I'm basically raising my son myself yet she thinks it's a 50/50 arrangement. I'm the one who tucks him in, I'm the one who feeds him, I'm the one who brushes his teeth, I'm the one who takes him to daycare and picks him up, I'm the one teaching him all my catchphrases. I honestly don't know when the last time she bathed him.
She tells me she thinks she needs to see a doctor. I get worried and ask why. Did I mention I think she's a hypochondriac? I read being a hypochondriac is a sign/symptom of depression or bipolar or bpd, I can't remember. Regardless I believe she is one. Anyway, she tells me she's having her period(yay, douchebag can't get action from her this week). She said she just had her period a couple of weeks ago. She was self diagnosing and is worried it could be anything?!? I actually do have compassion for her because her sister has some health concerns and she got them around the same age.
It's time for her to go home but she wanted a pit stop at the drugstore to get tampons and POP!!! I thought she quit drinking that stuff.
I seriously want to know what's wrong with her. I want to know not to fix her but for my own sake. I love solving puzzles or riddles, kind of like house(from that show house Md).
Anyway, I think I handled tonight fairly well considering I'm still in love with her. I'm really in fake it til I make it mode. I did that last time and it seemed to work well for my sanity.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
I seriously want to know what's wrong with her. I want to know not to fix her but for my own sake. I love solving puzzles or riddles, kind of like house(from that show house Md).
Anyway, I think I handled tonight fairly well considering I'm still in love with her. I'm really in fake it til I make it mode. I did that last time and it seemed to work well for my sanity.
OMG, me too. Like really is he wired differently? If so, how? Let's find out. Lol. Cat scans, MRIs, zap certain parts of his brain and see what happens. A puzzle indeed.
From your story, your girl is puzzling and I can see why you would want to know what's wrong with her. But my bit of amateur advice is that before we can know what's wrong with them, they have to know what's wrong with them. And until they figure that out and are willing and ready to share that with us it's something we should not even worry or think about. Remember... take care of yourself and your son. And I plan to follow my own advice, I got to practice what I preach.
Me:28 H:30 D:3 M:6.5 T:7.5 BD: 10-27-13 H moved out: 11-01-13 Handling other paperwork before petition is to be filed.
Oh one more thing...I noticed that most of your postings are posted kind of late at night, after or around midnight. I just want to make sure that you are sleeping. (You see I just can't turn off mommy mode.) But then it could be the server time, IDK.
Me:28 H:30 D:3 M:6.5 T:7.5 BD: 10-27-13 H moved out: 11-01-13 Handling other paperwork before petition is to be filed.
"From your story, your girl is puzzling and I can see why you would want to know what's wrong with her. But my bit of amateur advice is that before we can know what's wrong with them, they have to know what's wrong with them. And until they figure that out and are willing and ready to share that with us it's something we should not even worry or think about."
The thing is, she has told me some stuff that is wrong with her and she does acknowledge it, sometimes. Then she reverts back to she's happy and full of self esteem and strength. It really does seem like a mild mix of anxiety, depression, bpd and bipolar. She even told me a past counselor said she might be suffering from manic depression(bipolar). But that was a long time ago and from a counselor not a psychologist.
About my late postings. Ya I'm just wired like that. I don't usually need too much sleep. That was one of the things we had in common. We would stay up really late. Sometimes I'll get in a power nap later in the day when I can. The server times are also a little out of wack.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
