own a buz 20: confused within the confusion

[makingmagic]

are you sure GM? I thought that there were DB guidelines on how to react to this stuff? or at least EXPERIENCED members who could share???

Right now I want to throw things at him and bawl my eyes out... how dare he put his hands on another woman? I don't understand how he could do that? I can't even imagine!! For 20 years I have not had anyones hands on me or mine on anyone else's!!! Im grossed out & cant get these images of her out of my head!

I am extremely angry & deeply hurt! ~~~~ should he see this? or should I remain calm and emotionless. Continue to be my happy self around him (even though I am dying inside)

Yesterday, he seemed to be very responsive to me. Calling/texting often. When I was with him, offering who was on the phone/text. Ensuring that I was safe. Even making the effort and Asking me about the program I was involved in on Tues. nights (women mentoring). If you recall he struggles with "asking" information, if he wants to know he wont ask (he wants me to tell him, much like my personal life, he has asked me to tell him)... He texted me last night (while in meeting) keeping me informed of a part of business that is my responsibility (he doesn't do that). Texted me to say goodnight. ~~~ it really feels like he is making the effort to reach out to me.

I am trying to remember the squirrel theory... so I am trying to be patient. How do I do this part? Do I ignore MY feelings (hurt/anger)?

He has mentioned from time to time, that he doesn't feel that I love him. I do not know how to express it any clearer. He is deeply hurt from the EA that I have had in the past. It STILL comes up for him. Its like he is fishing for deep assurances... do I give it to him? I need assurance too!! its like he wants me to pursue him to prove it ~like this past Monday night when he got all anxious in his voice and wanting to please me by saying that I should tell him when its personal/work time AND when he asked me to let him know when we could have our face to face talk, as if he was on eggshells...and he will follow MY lead.... but what about the squirel theory?] and even suggesting to visit with my therapist or at least LISTEN to ME about what the therapist taught me.

I had a really good meeting yesterday at my womens group. I am starting to be in a good place with myself. Questions were asked and we were required to journal then review. The outcome was that I didn't need his love anymore, but I still wanted it. And that I am learning to be strong enough to honour myself and not accept his crap. That I do not have to fear that I would accept less than the best for myself.

~~~~
Advina...

A year ago he broke up with you.
Since then, he moved you out of his home.
He started dating. but admits its been disappointing!
He dragged his feet about putting your name on his business.ALL TRUE

You got all spun up because he mentioned not being sure about reconciling, which you interpreted as "wants to reconcile" but to outside observers is more easily interpreted as "doesn't want to reconcile."I am seeing this now

You are worried about him dating, which he is BLAMING YOU for, when he broke up with you a year ago. Your focused on extinguishing a match when the forest already burned down around you.

You use words like "sort of agreed" - that to my literal mind means "did not agree."

You try to mindread him, and he apparently tries to mindread you, when you could simply ask, what do you mean? What did that mean? What do you mean by that? I think the reason is because you prefer your interpretations over what you fear might be his real meaning if you actually asked him.I REALLY WANT TO MEMORIZE THIS!!!

You are not in a relationship with him right now. Your biggest concern seems to be protecting this relationship, but it doesn't exist. Your biggest worry seems to be losing him, but he has been gone a year and you act like he's not.hmmm, not sure how I act like that?

Pick up your self esteem. Does he want to help you, look out for you, be good to you? Fine, then get him to put your name on the business as he said he would.Yes, he said he would and he intends on doing so. We have an appt. in February

Does he want to get back together with you? No. "Confused" does not mean let's get back together. "Confused" means he doesn't know what he wants. There is nothing you can say to him that will make him less confused. I'm not sure what the point is of listening to him about his confusion, unless you feel like more than a year of validating some more of his emotions will get you anywhere good.
Confused means confused. NO., but think listening is what we are supposed to do in DB'ing...aren't we? Isn't this possibly him coming out of his fog? Looking for a sounding board/friend/whatever?

If it were me, I'd tell him: I'm not confused. You broke up with me a year ago. For a year you've acted like we're not together. You moved me out of your home. Although that is not what I wanted, you have been very clear. If you're interested in reconciling, you know where to find me. Until then, we're business partners.I might actually say this!! I love how clear and to the point it is... not like me who would make it longer than it needs to be

But it's not me, so you've sent him a clear message that love and business are intertwined for you, you'll wait indefinitely, you need nothing but occasional small kindnesses one would offer a coworker, and it's very easy to get your hopes up just by claiming confusion.Yes, I am desperate to grasp at anything from him (I KNOW THIS!!)... but, I don't believe HE sees me like ^^^ that. He said he thought I was DONE, without looking back and is surprised to hear that I haven't been on one date!. How did I send the message that love and business are intertwined for me? that I will wait indefinately?

What DB'ers have advised, and what it sounds like your friend advised, is to stop focusing on him. Let him figure out his confusion. Either sit tight or move along, but stop hanging on his every word.I try.. but its hard not to hang on his every word. Obviously I need to detach more... again

But - if he's a man of his word, get that financial settlement done. Not doing it isn't saving anything good for you. You're in a very precarious position. Having your assets in your name will in NO way prevent him from reconciling with you if he wants to be with you.
He is a man of his word, and wants me to feel protected financially. Although he fears losing what he has worked so hard for. He is scared, but has said he will follow through. I fear it will bring up arguements... how does THAT work towards R...UGH, thats my fear. That the ugly will come out and destroy any chance for R...