still alive and hanging in there. relatively sane and calm- and glad to be alive, etc - still have gratitude in life.
feeling like my feelings about everything and everyone in life are changed - or changing. not soo good- workin hard to remain in control and not go spinning off into space or letting loose or becoming like the things i don't like..
i absolutely hate the screaming , anger spews from my one sister. it disturbs my wa in life- it disturbes my existance (in the background of my day to day life that is)
i cannot manage to communicate with her - or want to- yet need to over my mom's care, etc. i keep telling myself i need to keep focused on the "big picture" & rise above it all. i don't know if this is just "peacenik" claptrap i've told myself alllllll my life. or if it's true. it is bad when your belief system seems questionable sometimes.
i could just be going on auto pilot here. not sure. i hung up phone once lately when she "went bonkers" screaming- it was so unfair - this notion that allllllll her problems and guilt is my doing!!!!! (really - i should have such power in life- i'd be "God".)
i didn't last time- then she hung up on me before i could speak- i was tricked by usual old "little voice" saying try to be understanding, remain calm. - click (who is the jerk here anyway?) ( uh hem - me???)
it's a thorn in my side. h was here and perfectly pleasant and good company. wtf???
he did leave tho- go back to "his life". i hate it- notion of "his life" "my life". i don't like knowing he's got secret e-mail accounts, secret phones, secret ow.
i find it just bad to know in back of my mind. this stuff is changing how i think a bit in life-because tho it may not consume me constantly like before- and may not "matter" - it's still there and demands i acknowledge it. (you know- honest with self) portion of thew show....
oh well- not so much further along any particular road here- but then, ta da, "my journey" i guess- gotta keep on shufflin....
