you don't need to apologize and think it's a "downer" - reality. your words described me to a "t". funny huh?
Quote:
To them, I am still the same Portia who is there to handle all of their problems and no matter how busy I am, I will drop everything and answer their calls - how do I do this? how do I fix this? Family is the worst for this.MY MOM & SISTERS STINK IN THIS RESPECT- I'M SOOOOOOOOO ON THAT PAGE WITH YOU MAN...
Perhaps if there was some reciprocity, I would not feel so used. But they don't find me when they all go out and have fun, but they sure don't lose my number when they want something.
(GETTING MY HEAD RIPPED OFF ON PHONE IN HOSPITAL (no less) this was me too - ...... so I did not get back to them as quick as they liked - how angry and snarky they were at me!
I think a big reason why I still miss Skippy is because we were there for each other. Favours did not matter, because we had a mutual relationship. And I miss that. Having someone on my side. Trusting someone to be on my side.
holy crow is all i can say- do you ever describe my life perfectly. if you tell me that you have four sisters and you're second inline - i'm gonna plotz.
ya try to go about your life making time for others, helping when and if you can- thinking it's important to have "family" and to preserve it- what a bunch of hooey that turns out to be..... it's all about 'WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY". is that all there is???? is that all there is to love? is that all there is to family? (i'm working hard to NOT be this negative at the end of the day about it- i'm not there- can ya tell????)
i miss having my own life with my own support guy in it. i miss someone ON MY SIDE TOO -MORE THAN i can say. i still have the "tie" of something with h - i still feel that if i crashed and burned he'd be "there" (somehow- somewhat - hope i'm not too nuts) . maybe it's just because for soooooo long i've felt it- i can't dig it out of my soul. i don't know really - i THINK if i ended up in a hospital he'd come- . if i broke down on the road tomorrow he sure wouldn't get here in time... if i never came home today- he sure wouldn't know or probably care- oh mannnnnn.........
it's an awful realization that my existence in my family's life is merely that of a "sh!t picker-upper and fixer and conduit to each other". i'm off the job- and at this moment really feelin the anger these guys spew out when I DON'T FULFILL their needs has turned me off sooooo totally. i'm rather "down" on family.
maybe me being a bit needy (philosophically) last couple years- has seriously inconveniencd them because i'm not ALL ABOUT THEM. as i used to be. idk why i'm like that- just was. now, just am not so much. i wonder how people can be "its all about me" so much that they actually wreck their r with someone that truly cares about them and their happiness?
i wonder howcome we end up here, scratching our heads and thinking how the heck can caring be "bad" and send the message that we're crappola and they're the imp;ortant one, important life? just happens i guess.
i don't want to be ratty- i still think i need to send out the message i'd like to receive in life- i'm sooooo sorry that caring & being "nice" means people have to interpret it as me being a doofis.
oh well- i always knew i could be a jerk sometimes. who isn't? - so i don't feel offended necessarily at being thought of in less than glowing terms. i never felt i had to be viewed as some big fancy something- i just would have liked to feel that whatever i do or am "matters" & is appreciated. i do not like the pressure tho, to be rotten and screamie and join them to interact successfully with them. it seems to be that exactly here- - either get "awful" and make my point by "drawing blood" (to quote my baby sister!!!??? what an awful attitude? no?) - or feel unheard here and cr@pped on. idk -
Otherwise- glad to be me todaya- glad to be aliveand healthy - glad to still have my christmas tree up and a rtoof over my head- etc.
xxoo sorry you feel like this too- idk what it is. don't go changing tho- i think we HAVE TO be us, how the heck could it work to be something we don't like? gotta go down slugging man- onward & upward.... (and to think my family used to be the most iomportant thing in my life- my r with h was also- how times change) (it's hard to change one's inner self & etc- we'll find our way- im pretty sure the universe will make it alllllll clear in the fullness of time ( ta da...
hey- just had a thought- maybe sisters and mothers have to get icky and we become disenchanted and detch a bit- maybe it's part of "life" in the sense that things always do change and we always do have to "let go" of people (the things of youth?) - when they die, when we all age and change a bit- maybe it's just necessary for the detachment process. ya think??? well, or something like that?
have a great day
xxo
i don't know why i'm "like this" - just trying to get along til the universe presents me with my "new life" - sort of thing.
