my wife left, but still lives with me #2/continued

[25yearsmlc]

I like this forum. A lot like AA. Complete strangers telling each other facts about their life that they would have difficulty sharing/possibly never share with those closest to them!


This is a great place to be, for a terrible reason. It can be a lifeline and the chance to make this "ordeal" of yours, count for something positive, by CHANGING YOURSELF...that's what I want YOUR focus to be. Not on your wife's response.

Her comments and her friends are irrelevant except that it means your changes were noticed. Of course they'll doubt the sincerity of the changes.

Who wouldn't doubt them? She asked you many times before, but you didn't take her seriously. Now you do. NOW you are making the changes she has long wanted.

Naturally she will doubt them and if they are real, she will, at first, resent them. I mean it, b/c I bet She'll argue "too little too late" and your reply has to be a genuine one (b/c it's wrong if it's not true, and it's not helpful and it means you missed the boat here)

so your answer that "better late than never" has to be ready and besides, you wanted/needed to make these changes for YOU not for her... but you are glad to have made them.

If this^^^ is actually true, and I hope it is, then her comments and her friends comments will not matter at all.

See, the thing is this: IF your w had some decent valid reasons for leaving you, and then you fix those reasons, WHAT CAN SHE SAY then? "Oops, I better return"??

IF she sees that your changes are real and lasting BUT she still remains away, she will have to admit that part of this, at least,

is Not about You.

Going to see the lawyer I spoke with on the phone the other week. For the consultation. Now that I have a few weeks of this under my belt I think I will be better prepared with better questions.\\

My advice is to learn to measure time differently. You seem so anxious to be out of limbo that you'd prefer divorce to uncertainty.

Don't go that route. Too many people here rush when certainty is not as needed as they imagine. Look at MY time line. Two years of off/on separation and then a year of piecing, with Retrovaille making a huge difference, and then reconciling.

That's on top of a gifted MC, and a Godsent DB coach for me, and an IC for my h, and TIME...

Try to realize and accept that we all live with some ambiguity in life. Try to be okay believing that if you are working on yourself, for real, and you know that is a good thing, then maybe you do not HAVE to decide anything else, for now...if you can.



I am not going to instigate a divorce but i certainly need to be prepared.


Why would you instigate a divorce if you don't want one? What advantage is there to filing first? What does "being prepared" for the worst, mean to you?

With my wife acting in ways i have never seen her act before, I best prepare for the worst.

How does waiting and working on yourself, hurt your cause?

What ways are you working on to make your w more comfortable around you?

Can you manage not to ask her a lot of questions? (You can wonder things, but challenging her choices now, merely forces her to defend those choices).

Can you give her a compliment and not wait for or expect a compliment returned?

In other words, can you express positive thoughts to her without expecting something paid back
or showing disappointment if she does not immediately return the compliment?

The short term goal might be for her to learn she can relax around you. Build from there.

How can you show her that? The easy things are what NOT to do. Do not criticize or negatively remark on any of her appearance or what she says she is up to. Simply validate and confirm and compliment her, give her positive affirmations that are sincerely made and genuine.

And if you cannot do this^^, then take a good hard look and ask yourself what it is that your w "should" miss, if a kind remark or honest compliment is something you are not capable of giving her.

And never show that you are looking to her (or her doubting friends) for confirmation of changes you are making.

IF they are real, that's enough. It has to be. At some point when we really are changed people, those changes radiate outward. They are not something you can fake over time.