I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

Today has been a hard day. It is difficult not to think about our marriage. I have been focusing on myself, and trying to get into things. I keep thinking, is this just making us grow apart more. Am I doing all I can to be appealing, and waiting for her affair to run its course. Assuming she will come back, realizing this is the better choice. I wonder if she is just hanging around because she has no where else to go. She said when she dropped the bomb she did not want to move in with him because she felt she needed to live alone for awhile. So without going to far down that that process, I wonder if she is just waiting for us to sell the house.

I mean neither of us can afford the mortgage alone. Neither of us can afford to buy the other out. So having the house and a apartment would be too much. But I hope, she is sticking around because there is also a chance. I mean she could go stay with her mom. She says she thinks she loves this guy, well, than go stay with him. She has places to go. But she stays here, in the guest room. I don't understand, but I am venting a little.
I don't want her to go.

I struggle with the 180s and conversation stuff. Part because she knows me really well, and when we talk it has been hard not to fall into the old habits. I mean like, talking about things I find amusing, or stories I would tell.

She is really away on a business trip. As she was about to leave our dog had a allergic reaction. She texted me for the first time in a long time to let me know. On a break, I texted if she was going to the vet. She called right away, and we have not spoke on the phone in a really long time either. Once she got him back home, she had to go, she asked me to text her if her got worse. I meant to hang up first but instead, I thought I would let her hang up first. I wanted to see how she would end the call. I did keep my words short. Being honest, I wanted her to feel the weirdness of not saying she loved me at the end of the call. I just kind of let the conversation end in silence. we both just said bye.

I guess I am just trying not to regress into wondering why she is acting like she is. I am trying to just focus on me. I know this is good regardless of whether we can save this marriage. I am just trying to kind of bury my feelings, and redirect them into my hobbies. I am trying to be patient, I just worry I am losing her. I just done think she is caring about the changes I am making. I will continue, but I feel she is just so cold to me. She talks to me, but it feels somewhat fake. Reminding myself to be patient. Avoding divorce talks and I assume I should be avoiding planning talks about her moving out, or selling the house, or any of these things. I don't know how long she will let that last, but I guess I will leave that to her. As was said earlier, it is her journey, whether she stays. I thought that maybe if she asks about the living situation saying to her,

It's her decision to make. Don't tell her to go, don't tell her to stay. Tell her you want her to stay and work on the M, but that if she feels she needs to leave then you support her in her decision. But it IS HER decision to make. That's part of her journey as a WAS.

I just don't think she wants to leave or work on the marriage. Like I said I think she is just staying here, because it is next to her work, like a mile away, and cost. But from what she has said, she does not want to work on this. I still do. So I don't know what to do. Part of me thought having her move out might make the reality of what she is doing set in. I wont be there to look after her, feed her, and everything else I do for her on a daily basis. But in the meantime, I am just withdrawing those things with her here. I just don't know it it is having an impact.

I will keep on, just exhausted with all this.