I understand how frustrating it is. I've had two attorneys tell me the court doesn't care, they've heard worse, blah, blah, blah. It wasn't until I did my own research and presented family codes along with documents that the opinion changed. Until that point I felt hopeless and, at times, despondent. After all, how could xh spending wildly while I was scraping by, making sure the boys had what they needed? It isn't fair or legal and I believe the judge will care.
Didn't you find a receipt for a ring that your h bought OW? I hope you made a copy of that and anything else you can find. Make a timeline of events and create a paper trail. Present all of it to your attorney. Like my xh, your h will be ordered to pay certain expenses and cannot just decide not to pay them. I am one late support payment from having xh's wages garnished. Now that the mortgage is in my name he has no incentive to pay me on time. It's just a matter of time before he starts floating funds and giving me excuses.
To comment on one of your earlier posts regarding finances, I, too, feel so much better that I am in control of my bank account, bill paying and future planning. I feel so much more secure. I know it can be hard to see sometimes, but WH you have come such a long way. Your life is coming together beautifully. Moving is stressful, but it will pass. You will finally have peace and no longer have to live under the same roof with someone who mistreats you. It's liberating.
My attorney does care. It's the judge I think that doesn't care. But I could be wrong. Maybe I am just being negative.
Yes, I found a receipt for all that stuff. I have a paper trail and I have given it all to my attorney. But my attorney knows I want to be done, so I am almost thinking he just wants me to settle. It's so upsetting. To fight the good fight costs so much money. I don't know what to do. My H is one who will not do what he needs to do unless he is forced by the judge. Even when we have temporary orders he just does what he wants and tries to ignore the orders. I wish someone would lay the smackdown on him.
H's wages will be automatically garnished. He has no choice in the matter and that is what I prefer. My county (maybe the state) automatically garnishes unless an agreement is made otherwise. There is no way I would agree to that.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
S had his play performance tonight. He did a wonderful job. I am so proud. He is a natural. So handsome. So talented.
On my way home I was going to stop by my apartment to drop stuff off. H called me and asked if I was coming by the house. I said yes to change. When I got there to change and H immediately asked me if the lawyer had contacted me. I said I heard he was in court all day. Well now the story is if he has to pay me the support as ordered he is going to have to liquidate things. I was really confused. I kept asking him what he meant and he would not give me a straight answer. Finally I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. He said he was going to have to start using the money he had pulled out to pay me for settlement. So was that a threat? Seriously? Did he have those people pull that money out without me signing anything or is he bluffing again?
I went to leave to go to the play and H asked me to ride with him. And D wanted me to as well so I agreed. I dont know what the purpose of that was? We sat together and acted normal. D had a temper tantrum on H after the play and I let him handle it. He handled it badly but oh well. His problem. She was tired and cranky. He threatened her if she didn't behave she wouldn't go to basketball or dance tomorrow. I don't like that. Take away a privilege, not an activity.
So anyway I feel like an outsider in my own home. It won't be for much longer though. But I miss the kids and I am in the same house. It's pathetic.
Yes he wore the beret. Ugh. I guess he thinks he looks good in that thing? Yeesh. And before the performance as as we were waiting for S afterward he was on a texting spree. Fingers were flying 50 wpm.
I don't think H will ever get out of replay. If he indeed having a MLC.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Been a while. Been moving and packing. Most of the stuff is over there already. Colder than Hades in the Midwest so I have little ambition. Been emotional today. Trying not to be. Home with the kids. School was cancelled so it's a good day to relax.
H has been nice. Trying to get what he wants. I almost would rather he was mean. It's easier to bear if you know what I mean. He helped me move my stuff this past weekend. At first he left it up to me and S and I railed him a new one. Told him if he was unable to help he should have been honest so I would not have wasted my time and money and would have hired movers. He then started helping. I may be wrong but I think he started to get pretty emotional and he was trying to run away. But I called him on his bad behavior. He said he will help me get the rest of the stuff on Friday.
Not sure how I feel. I still don't want a divorce, but I don't want to be marriedto H anymore. Does that make sense? H is a large child. He is incapable of being what I need or what the kids need. He did lash out at me a few times this weekend because I did not consult him about what I packed. He wanted to go over everything together. I said that's hard to do when you aren't around. That offended him. Really? He also told me that anything my mom bought was marital property and I told him I was taking the stuff my mom bought lie it or not. I left the stuff his mom bought (which isn't much) and I am taking what my mom bought. I think he didn't realize how little there would be left. This house is pretty empty now. I think this has made it more concrete.
H would never admit making a mistake or that he misses me. I still have my head spinning. Trying to focus on the task but I get blindsided from time to time.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
WH, I'm so sorry about all of this. Yes, you are going to have times that you'll be emotional and it's the norm. You've lived in that house for quite some time and there are good and bad memories there. However, your new place is waiting for you and I bet you'll have it nice and cozy in no time.
I'm glad you called him on his behavior and he did help you move. It's going to hit home w/him more and more and especially the very first night he's left there all by himself.
Stay positive and everything will go okay. You've got most of your stuff over there and I'm sure everything will look nice once you've had time to unpack and put things away.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It can be very difficult and emotional packing up stuff that tells you that a marriage and family have been torn asunder. When I did mine, it was the memories associated with items & furnishings that got me into crying jags because of the finality of the whole process. The door has been slammed shut and there's no turning back. In due time, I slowly put stuff together and made it MINE.
Please be real gentle with yourself and allow the waves to come.
Plus I am so worried I forgot stuff. My place is smaller so I have a full house of stuff. This house is empty. Now the physical emptiness is representative of the emotional emptiness.
Tomorrow a friend and I are going to a refurb appliance store to look for a washer and dryer. She got her set there. Plus they have layaway. I discovered after putting D's bed together I need a box spring. Ugh. More money I was not antipating spending. After days of searching I found one that isn't too bad a price. I just hope it fits in the back of my van. And that it isn't too heavy.
When H and the kids left Sunday and I was on my own, I just was washed over with sadness. I like my new space, don't like being alone. They had not been gone an hour and H called and asked when I was coming back. He wanted me to take S to youth group.
This is gonna be a huge adjustment. But I will survive.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I am so sorry that you have to leave your home. It must be incredibly difficult. I'm glad that you have a safe place to move to and one that you seem to really like. I hope that you enjoy making it your own. Creating a space that nourishes your soul can really help with recovery and restoration. While I haven't moved I have slowly transformed my home into a place that the boys and I really feel good being in. I started by making a very long list of everything that I like such as types of flowers, colors, etc. and I have incorporated my list into my home. I love fresh flowers, candles (two things that my xh did not appreciate) and music so I make sure my home always has those things. It's part of treating myself well and has made a big difference. You'll find the things and activities that nurture you back to a joyful life.
I understand the inner conflict of not wanting to be married to your h, but not wanting to be divorced. Divorce is not something that I wanted, but in time I, too, realized that my xh was toxic. I still wish he would have sought counseling rather than blow up our family. I suspect I will always have some sadness, but understand that there's nothing I could have done to prevent where we are. I wish things were different for you, WH. Who knows what the future holds for you and your h. For now, living apart will give you the time you need to heal. With space and distance you will discover what you want for yourself.
At the same time, I'm glad you are feeling the feelings that are coming up. Your H has run so fast and hard. I find it hard to believe he won't be brought to his knees when the grief finally hits him.
Isn't this just physics? Something moving with such momentum in a sorta chaotic, nonsensical way, doesn't it have to crash??
What's he going to invest all his energy into, once the divorce is final? No more GAL to bother, no more lawyer to pester...
You, however, will be ok. You will have the cushion of a fresh life with a fresh start. It's going to be lovely. It is. I just know it.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Divorce is not something that I wanted, but in time I, too, realized that my xh was toxic. I still wish he would have sought counseling rather than blow up our family.
Ditto.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
