New here-hi everyone

[Positivespin]

Hello fellow BPII'er

Free yourself of the misery and heartbreak for a few minutes and allow yourself to dream.....

Where do YOU want YOU to be 1 year from now, 5 years from now and 10 years from now?

In all this suffering, to often, we just roll with the punches and end up where we end up. I know your looking for a job and I know you want to finish your studies but does it have to happen there? I know where I am we have a MAJOR shortage of Grads with advanced science degrees - with a couple of great companies desperately looking.

If all this hell was going to happen to you its prob best that its happening now. The person who comes out the other side of this will be so much more confident and strong then before the bomb.

Emotionally exhausting- yup
confidence shattering- yup

but your already at the point where you are still piecing yourself back together. Thankfully, no children. So allow yourself to dream.

All those trips when you were younger? Were you mania or was that confidence? Has the anxiety started interfering with your life? If so, is it time to change therapists?

Sorry for so many questions but I find your sitch interesting.

[Lostinpain]

Just an update...

Well it all comes down to money as a motive to move forward with this divorce. I don't want it, but I'm also going to be homeless if I don't go through with it. The situation is like this, I live in Los Angeles and I'm a grad student. At best I make $30k/year which is barely enough to sustain an apartment...I used to get financial aid when I was single but as H makes over $100k/year that was all gone. When we lived together that was fine, as he paid most of the bills. Now that I'm living single and no longer getting financial aid as a married person, I just can no longer do it.

My parents strongly suggested I file separately this year so I can get a much greater tax return to pay off rent and other bills. I told H this and he freaked. He complained that he would lose a lot of money and that he would file as a married couple with or without my permission (good luck doing that without my W-2s...). Plus, the guy makes more than enough money, and he's complaining because he'll lost a few grand while I'm living check to check? Really?! It's like my parent-in-laws complaining who make over $500k/year (they own a practice) about having to pay 1% more taxes. I mean geez, most people would be thankful to have that much money and live in that big of a house. And you have to give a bit extra to help the general population...cry me a river. Mother-in-law bought a fox fur coat last year, maybe she'll have to buy faux because of that tax raise. :P

Anyway, I told him I was going to go through with it. He said we agreed to file jointly this year (and this being the reason he held off the divorce) and that I wasn't being nice. I told him I just can't do it...and if he felt the need to divorce because of that then he has to do what he feels is right.

So it appears I'll be going to the divorce forums soon. I'm guessing the only reason he hasn't filed yet was to save money. I'd like not to think of myself as that kind of commodity. I guess when it comes down to it I have to choose finishing my grad program over saving something that might or might not happen. I don't feel good about it, but I know I have to stand my ground on this one..

[Lostinpain]

Whoops..Mimi and Positivespin I didn't even see your comments until right now!

To answer your question Positivespin, and by coincidence, I actually am planning to move to the Northeast after grad school. It's my dream location...I'm already mid thesis and changing grad schools would waste a lot of time and money. But, as soon as I'm done I'm leaving California. It's not my dream state...even though I was born and raised here. I just don't have any attachment to it.

The trips I took younger were highly mania-motivated. It took years to get the right amount and type of medication before I stabilized. Anyone suffering from bipolar disorder or alike mental illnesses knows the struggles of having to find that right type of mix of pills. The first few years I was misdiagnosed given pills that were of no use, and as consequence, my life ran amok. I felt old and behind in life, but having seen other bipolar people still struggling who are older than me, I'm glad that I've achieved what I have so far. As my parents have told me, they're just glad I made it out alive. I do have anxieties still, but finding a good therapist is both time-consuming and like finding a spouse lol. I've switched several times already. I'm at a point where I need to just stick with the one I got until I have more time to look again. My current one...I don't feel is very proactive in making positive changes in my life. However, having someone to just get my problems out is a start.

Mimi as always I appreciate your support. I am continually trying to keep positive even if it's difficult!

[2stubborn2quit]

wow that's cold. If he wants to play that game, are you comfortable requiring he pay you half of his savings on the tax strategy?

[Lostinpain]

Well 2S2Q,

Here is what I projected based on the last few years of tax returns. We usually as a married couple get around $3k, in which he was willing to split that. That would have gave me $1500 whereas my rent is $1200/month for a dingy small apartment. :P Because of Obama's incentives towards education, filing separately (with little income) will give me around $5k. That's enough for about 4 rents! As I've told him...I'm not after his money. Now to be honest, getting alimony/spousal support in California is difficult, costly, and time-consuming. If I really wanted his money out of spite I could drag him to court, demand 50/50 community property, and request alimony for half of the time we were married. They usually don't grant it if the requesting spouse is making a decent living, but I'm not...and he just flat out ran out. Also, because of his gain of citizenship through our marriage it may also appear that he got it and ran. It won't look good in the eyes of most courtrooms. However, I have neither the money to hire a lawyer (if I did I wouldn't be requesting alimony in the first place), nor the desire to take it. I just want to pay rent. I'm comfortable with that.

[2stubborn2quit]

Well then it sounds like you figured out what's best for you…I think you're doing the best thing not demanding money from him, but don't be afraid to let slip the possibility if he starts giving you crap LOL!

[Lostinpain]

Well,it's been quite some time since I've read posts on here. I've been through career path stuff...

So some new weird emotions came up. As I was about to post here....hey I've moved on. There is a new co-worker I have a crush on, see myself asking on a date...I was about to ask am I ready to move on. But then I realized my wedding anniversary is coming up, the first one I won't spend with him. And suddenly all these sentimental memories I have of him keep replaying in my mind. It's utter torture. I wonder if he's thinking the same, or maybe dating someone else who he's in love with now. I haven't spoke to him in months. I've focused on myself like a good girl, but these thoughts are rapid and new.

How has everyone here dealt with their first wedding anniversary without their spouse? I have no idea how I'm going to handle it. I feel like divorce is becoming imminent.

[Mimi00]

Hey lost....im glad you've been well in spite of the recent feelings.
April 2013 my H said "maybe we shouldnt be together" and went back to where he lives. May 2013 was our 4th anniversary. I sent him a card for the day.....the day of I got a text "happy anniversary". No call....nothing else. So I guess that was mym first anniversary alone. In April he had already told me he wouldnt be making a trip back for it in May....so I purposely made plans on that day to keep my mind off of it and we zip lining. No time for thinking about your marriage issues when you're attached to a rope hoping you are still alive at the end lol.

I was hoping for the best at that time so him not bei g there that day wasnt as hurtful as it could have been.....I really felt my M issues would turn around...but here I am 9 months later and he is still gone. In 3 months it will be May again....crazy how time flies....and how life changes.

I say if you can, find something to do on that day that makes you feel good.....
Nice to see you posting, keep us updated on your progress!

[Lostinpain]

Hi mimi-

That's good advice, I think I will!

Well got a text out of the blue today saying divorce was filed and what time was convenient for me to be served. Conversation that followed went something like this.

Him: just give me a time I can serve the papers
Me: ok I'll let you know a good time. Have you informed uscis? (immigration I only asked this because I was told I could get in trouble not reporting a status change)
Him: no, and that's none of your concern
Me: actually it is, as I can get in trouble
Him: you're vindictive and selfish. Just face you ruined our marriage, you're not perfect, and move on with your life and don't take me down. (ouch!)
Me: I just want to make sure I'm protected. I feel compassion for your situation but I need to look out for myself.
Him: fine then in six months well be done don't worry about it.
Me: ok. We also need to arrange pick up of your things.
Him: ok we can do that
Me: does march work for you?
Him: yes
Me: what day?
Him: the 8th?
Me: ok cool I'll schedule you in. By the way don't go to *** store. (I'm a microbiologist and do microbe testing), as its failing microbe testing.
Him: that's outrageous thanks!
Me: np, despite what you think I don't want to see you dead :P
Him: I'm sorry about what I texted earlier. Words get lost in texts sometimes.
Me: I know that's cool. Well hopefully I get new job at *** so I don't have to avoid anymore stores lol. Although chances are slim a lot of competition.
Him: you're smart you'll get it. Good luck!
Me: thanks

So I'm depressed about divorce being filed and if it does go through I will be dropping the rope. I'm young enough where I still want a family with someone and experience that. Actually I'm considering doing it sooner...i don't know how I feel yet. I just know I've felt happier by myself lately in general (not always) is this a temp feeling or am I fading out of this relationship. I even find myself considering dates, chemist at work asked...although work relationships are off the table lol...ive done that mistake before

[Mimi00]

I don't know much about the process, but I thought the papers can't be served by the spouse?

I think it's great that you're thinking positive and you're able to see that you will be fine and will be able to move one and have the family you want.

I feel fine by my self as well, the only time I am reminded I am alone is when I see another couple or usually if I see a beautiful woman I will automatically look at her hand to see if she's married, if there's a ring wonder about their marriage, sometimes I say a little prayer in my head that all is well and they never experience this pain...If she doesn't have a ring, then I feel less "alone" in being single lol. I didn't do that before I was in this D sitch.

I have down moments at times, but they only last for a moment then I'm right back to being just fine. I think it's totally up to you how you will continue to feel as you go along this path.
It sounds like you've been doing pretty well, so whatever you're doing keep going!