It doesn't help one bit. He will never know the why - even if he asks her and she gives him an answer. Not only does it give her a reason to be mad, the information he gets from it is useless and only leads to more mindreading. Its a lose-lose - something I am coming to terms with as well.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Agree with all these recent responses. Likely you will get the ridicule whether you know of it or not. My exW would ridicule the changes in me too...mostly to my face though. She may get to that. Just expect it. What backfired on her most was when she and her friend were making fun of me and my d11 over heard them. It upset her quite a bit and d11 does not like that friend anymore, and certainly thought less of her mom. This hurt the child...just make sure yours are insulated from this as best you no need to snoop, you know what's going on. These are not good friends of hers...they are being very selfish thinking they are supporting her but really it is only for their selfish needs be it for gossip of friendship. Real friends try to help not break up a family of 6, but hey, they have nothing to lose.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I like this forum. A lot like AA. Complete strangers telling each other facts about their life that they would have difficulty sharing/possibly never share with those closest to them!
Going to see the lawyer I spoke with on the phone the other week. For the consultation. Now that I have a few weeks of this under my belt I think I will be better prepared with better questions.
I am not going to instigate a divorce but i certainly need to be prepared. With my wife acting in ways i have never seen her act before, I best prepare for the worst.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I'm going through the very same thing right now. About snooping; you really don't want to know, man. People are downright colder in cyberspace especially when texting to their divorced friends. Mean! Stay away. Plus people text and say things they don't really mean sometimes. Don't think so? Keep a dairy of your own about your wife for a week. Go back and read it and ask yourself 'would I want my W to see this?
Right now, I don't even know my W. Who is this person? Yuk! To keep my family together though, I have to act disinterested, focus on me so it' appears I am not desperate which I totally am, yet be the person she doesn't want to divorce, while she is wanting me to stay the person she wants to divorce, be a better husband than I was back when she liked me even though she now hates my guts and do all of this while I like her less than ever before! Piece of cake.
I like this forum. A lot like AA. Complete strangers telling each other facts about their life that they would have difficulty sharing/possibly never share with those closest to them!
This is a great place to be, for a terrible reason. It can be a lifeline and the chance to make this "ordeal" of yours, count for something positive, by CHANGING YOURSELF...that's what I want YOUR focus to be. Not on your wife's response.
Her comments and her friends are irrelevant except that it means your changes were noticed. Of course they'll doubt the sincerity of the changes.
Who wouldn't doubt them? She asked you many times before, but you didn't take her seriously. Now you do. NOW you are making the changes she has long wanted.
Naturally she will doubt them and if they are real, she will, at first, resent them. I mean it, b/c I bet She'll argue "too little too late" and your reply has to be a genuine one (b/c it's wrong if it's not true, and it's not helpful and it means you missed the boat here) so your answer that "better late than never" has to be ready and besides, you wanted/needed to make these changes for YOU not for her... but you are glad to have made them. If this^^^ is actually true, and I hope it is, then her comments and her friends comments will not matter at all.
See, the thing is this: IF your w had some decent valid reasons for leaving you, and then you fix those reasons, WHAT CAN SHE SAY then? "Oops, I better return"??
IF she sees that your changes are real and lasting BUT she still remains away, she will have to admit that part of this, at least,
is Not about You.
Going to see the lawyer I spoke with on the phone the other week. For the consultation. Now that I have a few weeks of this under my belt I think I will be better prepared with better questions.\\ My advice is to learn to measure time differently. You seem so anxious to be out of limbo that you'd prefer divorce to uncertainty.
Don't go that route. Too many people here rush when certainty is not as needed as they imagine. Look at MY time line. Two years of off/on separation and then a year of piecing, with Retrovaille making a huge difference, and then reconciling.
That's on top of a gifted MC, and a Godsent DB coach for me, and an IC for my h, and TIME...
Try to realize and accept that we all live with some ambiguity in life. Try to be okay believing that if you are working on yourself, for real, and you know that is a good thing, then maybe you do not HAVE to decide anything else, for now...if you can.
I am not going to instigate a divorce but i certainly need to be prepared.
Why would you instigate a divorce if you don't want one? What advantage is there to filing first? What does "being prepared" for the worst, mean to you?
With my wife acting in ways i have never seen her act before, I best prepare for the worst.
How does waiting and working on yourself, hurt your cause?
What ways are you working on to make your w more comfortable around you?
Can you manage not to ask her a lot of questions? (You can wonder things, but challenging her choices now, merely forces her to defend those choices).
Can you give her a compliment and not wait for or expect a compliment returned?
In other words, can you express positive thoughts to her without expecting something paid back or showing disappointment if she does not immediately return the compliment? The short term goal might be for her to learn she can relax around you. Build from there.
How can you show her that? The easy things are what NOT to do. Do not criticize or negatively remark on any of her appearance or what she says she is up to. Simply validate and confirm and compliment her, give her positive affirmations that are sincerely made and genuine. And if you cannot do this^^, then take a good hard look and ask yourself what it is that your w "should" miss, if a kind remark or honest compliment is something you are not capable of giving her.
And never show that you are looking to her (or her doubting friends) for confirmation of changes you are making.
IF they are real, that's enough. It has to be. At some point when we really are changed people, those changes radiate outward. They are not something you can fake over time.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, you are def a Godsend... The class, grace and simplicity you speak with is truly inspiring. Whatever you do continue to be a vessel that imparts timely wisdom. You should write a book! No seriously, you should!
"Who wouldn't doubt them? She asked you many times before, but you didn't take her seriously. Now you do. NOW you are making the changes she has long wanted."
answer---I myself even doubt them! I have been working on changing but it has been primarily a reaction to the situation. I am just now, i think, starting to work on me for me.
I didn't mean to imply that I was considering instigating a divorce. I am just being prudent, knowing that I can't predict the future and should be prepared....in case my wife files and things were to get 'nasty'.
Finances are easy, 50/50 split of assets and debts. However I get the inkling that she isn't so sure I could handle 50% physical custody of the children. If she thinks that, there could be a fight on my hands.
I have been getting better, not asking questions. I am just waiting for her to make a move. Meanwhile, I attend AA meetings, go to counseling, and leave the house occasionally.
She literally hasn't discussed anything about the R except for the one time I broke down and started a conversation these last three weeks. According to her, we are working on paying down debt first. According to her chat with her friends, she is getting a loan from her mother to pay for a lawyer. According to her spending habits, we are not working on paying down debt.
I have complimented her several times these last two weeks and have received a bland thank you. Will keep that up because that seems like a good idea.
keep the ideas and analysis coming!
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
It would help if you would start your own post so you can get individualized attention. And you have to read DB or DR or else you're not going to understand anything that's being discussed.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
