Well, I grew up always being the OK one, the one who didn't need anything, who fixed everything for everyone and took on way too much and sometimes got in over my head. I was 28 and newly married and my sister left a relationship in Seattle and was clinically depressed and came to live with me and my husband, and then a friend who married just a little before us left her husband and moved in with us too. In both cases my H was supportive of taking them in. So I lived in a townhouse where every single day someone was crying on my shoulder and I was trying to be therapist to them both and handle everything, and work, and my new husband. I felt like it was getting to me, and I thought I needed some help just handling my sister, who was suicidal. My H said that was a dumb idea to get counseling and I should absolutely not do it, and it would affect my permanent record. I did what he wanted and never followed up.
I think seeking help for dealing with my sister would have led me much earlier to explore why it was that I thought I was responsible for her, and my friend, and everyone. I would have learned about codependency, I would have faced the traumas that shaped me growing up. It might have come up that I wasn't as happy being a young bride as I had expected to be. It might have come up that my H wasn't very nice to me, but was full of generosity toward other people.
I was on a path that I stayed on for the rest of my marriage, that might have turned out differently with some good help back then.
I thought I needed counseling again in around 2004 when my H withdrew all affection from me and became enamored with a girl he met out playing with his friend's rock band. He said I was being silly being concerned about her, but he touched her stomach and hair when she was over. He chit chatted on the phone with her while he folded laundry, but he didn't have three kind words to string together for me. I was really alarmed. The night he stayed at her house and I called the club and his cell phone every half hour until 5am when he finally answered, I was hysterical so he stopped hanging around her and told me he was a happily married man and we weren't getting divorced. So I again decided I could handle things on my own. I asked for counseling but he refused and didn't want me to go either.
Other times I asked him to come with me to a marriage seminar or workshop or weekend or something but he thought those things were dumb.
When he finally decided to leave me he agreed to go to MC but said he was sure it wouldn't do any good. He showed up a few times but mostly stood me up at it, and I spent the times he didn't show up, talking about me and working on my issues. He completely stopped after going about 4 times, but I kept up with it and it's been a godsend for me.
I learned how I got to be how I am, how to change, how to want better for myself and take care of myself, I got encouragement to go to a 12-step program, I learned relationship skills, but above all I learned how good outside help can open your eyes to things about yourself that you could't face or couldn't fathom.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
