Thanks for all the well wishes. It's much appreciated.
When I started this whole mess, I was like most newcomers. I was scared, I was unhappy, I thought my world was ending, and I was in a lot of pain. I fought tooth and nail to keep my unhappy life together....not because it was good for me, or even good for my family, but because it's what I was accustomed to. Don't get me wrong....when I said forever, I truly meant it, and still feel that way to this day...but there are limits, and ultimately, it does take both partners.
Looking back, I wouldn't change it because I truly felt like I did everything.....everything....in my power to keep my M together. I changed who I was, I forgave, I opened up, I read, I learned, I went to retrouvaille, I figured out who I wanted to be. I even started up with XW multiple times post D thinking she had turned the corner. That woman, God love her, she took every last bit of my commitment and sh!t on it. I think there were times she really did try....but an affair really is an addiction, and you not only have to be willing to quit, you have to be willing to put in place checks so that when you're weak, you get the help you need to hold fast. She never got there.
But that's ok. It's ok because it really was the catalyst for my changes, and every step of the way, I learned. And I believe, my W couldn't really even consider changing until I was completely done (take note newbies!). Yeah, I still hope she figures things out someday. It may not mean reconciliation (or it could...who knows the future), but I still care for her and I want her to be happy. She's still looking to outsiders for happiness.....she hasn't figured out that within HER is where she'll find it.
Thanks for popping in Bug! I've been checking in on your thread too. I am impressed with how you see things, and I am learning from you as you go thru this new stage in your relationship. It's inspiring.
And yes, the thread with Mach can be found at the link below. I think he's read it more than me at this point, and continues to use it as a tool for others trying to find their path. I read it occasionally....and I'm forever grateful to Mach for his cryptic way of making people think
