Moving Forward

[adinva]

I know people who have been unemployed in my area, and looking very hard for a job, for 6, 9 months, a year. But they were married and were living on their emergency fund and spouse's income. I don't have an emergency fund or a spouse.

I think that's a legitimate cause for concern even if I positively self-talk myself that of course I'll get a great new job.

The great new job is hypothetical. The lack of my existing paycheck as of July 1 is a fact.

I'm not dwelling on this more than now and then when I feel like omg what-am-I-going-to-do, then I do my self care and move forward productively. But I can't just say lah-la-lah I'm not afraid, we'll all be fine. Some people actually are homeless, some people actually go hungry, being fine is not a guarantee.

Anyway, I've given this more headspace this morning than I want to. It's the nature of the message board that delving into specific details gives you the appearance of being consumed by a topic that you actually weren't thinking about 5 minutes before you logged on, and won't be thinking about 5 minutes later.

The feelings come, I identify them and gauge their intensity, choose the most appropriate action they would suggest, and move along.

Gotta get back to work. I really appreciate you folks who read and write to me here. I value that so much. Even the ones who provoke new thinking, that's really useful. Thanks!

[adinva]

BA special thanks to you that was nice validation of my feelings! And S15 is doing well, feeling fine, but on severely restricted school and no sports. His balance and vision are a little off so they want to look at him again in a week.

[labug]

Ad, in no way did I mean to trivialize your very real concerns.

When I write on my thread I usually want to hear something different than what's in my head, after all, I've heard all that a million times

I apologize and wish you only the best.

[adinva]

Thanks Bug! I wasn't offended or anything, just engaging in the dialogue. You didn't need to apologize, although I do appreciate the thoughtfulness. I've known you long enough to know you're not out to hurt me!

I think around here in general, there seems to be a rush to get to feeling ok with things, and I want to be understood at angry or sad before I'm ready to feel accepting.

I've noticed that people telling me things I wasn't ready to hear that minute still helped me, but later.

[AJM]

I think around here in general, there seems to be a rush to get to feeling ok with things, and I want to be understood at angry or sad before I'm ready to feel accepting.

I've noticed that people telling me things I wasn't ready to hear that minute still helped me, but later.

My intent, AD, was really just that. To get a feel for your thought process and how you are dealing with the anger.

I get it. I live in the same world. And no, there is no magic pill that makes the anger go away. Heck, I get angry at my ex from time to time as well. Like you, I deal with it and move along. It hasn't always been that way, but it has been that way for a long time now. I'm grateful for that.

My other intent was to see if there was another side to the viewpoint. I'm much more interested in if you're processing the anger and feelings, and I believe that you are. But be careful to also gauge the impact of your feelings on your kids. Your view of your ex is one thing but how he behaves toward your kids and what the feelings are behind that can be different. Your posts made it look like you were coloring that view with your emotions. It's human to do that, but I would imagine that's not always what you want to be about.

And you're right, the boards tend to skew because they show feelings at that point in time geared toward the audience. This is a safe place to vent those feelings, and it would make sense to vent them here. It's part of how it works, right?

You're also right. You may not be fine. Chances are good you'll use the risk of not being fine as a way to propel you forward to the next great step. That starts with you believing it, but the risks are certainly there. The risks won't stop you, they'll help motivate you. That's not a bad spot to be in for this life in my experience.

Peace,
AJ

[adinva]

It's good to get to understand you better AJM.

My kids have their own emotions about their dad. I try to be as objective as possible. I did, this time, when S15 was expressing his concerns and frustrations to me about his dad trying to get him to reveal the name of the kid that threw the rock, mention that I also wished H didn't overreact so much. I rarely say anything critical of him, but this time I just expressed that. If he didn't put hate on his face with his eyebrows, and raise his voice, and talk to you like you're an idiot, and wave his arms around, we would all feel more safe confiding things to him. That's just how it is, and I feel that's too bad. But that's all I said, "I wish he didn't overreact so much." I left out all the other stuff because S15 has his own view of his own experiences, and I have mine.

The kids have observed me share a ride to a funeral, invite h and his family for Christmas, have him over for fathers day, get presents he would like for his birthday, buy his favorite kind of pie for Thanksgiving. The kids have seen me be as gracious and kind as a person could be to their separated spouse. It's been hard for me sometimes emotionally, because I feel like I have to stuff some of my real emotions to be able to put on a nice face and do those things. But I've tried because the kids need to think their dad's ok and their mom's ok, they may not live together but life will go on.

I don't like that, but I made some mistakes in my life. I don't think I'd do many of them differently because I sure love my life other than the estranged-husband part of it. The one thing I'd do differently is that right around 2004 the first time I thought I needed counseling, I wouldn't have let my H talk me out of it. I might have gotten better sooner, and my marriage might have gotten better, who knows. I'm a huge fan of counseling now.

[adinva]

I'm so bad with years. The first time I thought I needed counseling was 1994.

[AJM]

I like how you handle things in such a gracious way. I admire that.

Out of curiosity, what was it that made you feel you needed counseling in 1994?

AJ

[adinva]

Well, I grew up always being the OK one, the one who didn't need anything, who fixed everything for everyone and took on way too much and sometimes got in over my head. I was 28 and newly married and my sister left a relationship in Seattle and was clinically depressed and came to live with me and my husband, and then a friend who married just a little before us left her husband and moved in with us too. In both cases my H was supportive of taking them in. So I lived in a townhouse where every single day someone was crying on my shoulder and I was trying to be therapist to them both and handle everything, and work, and my new husband. I felt like it was getting to me, and I thought I needed some help just handling my sister, who was suicidal. My H said that was a dumb idea to get counseling and I should absolutely not do it, and it would affect my permanent record. I did what he wanted and never followed up.

I think seeking help for dealing with my sister would have led me much earlier to explore why it was that I thought I was responsible for her, and my friend, and everyone. I would have learned about codependency, I would have faced the traumas that shaped me growing up. It might have come up that I wasn't as happy being a young bride as I had expected to be. It might have come up that my H wasn't very nice to me, but was full of generosity toward other people.

I was on a path that I stayed on for the rest of my marriage, that might have turned out differently with some good help back then.

I thought I needed counseling again in around 2004 when my H withdrew all affection from me and became enamored with a girl he met out playing with his friend's rock band. He said I was being silly being concerned about her, but he touched her stomach and hair when she was over. He chit chatted on the phone with her while he folded laundry, but he didn't have three kind words to string together for me. I was really alarmed. The night he stayed at her house and I called the club and his cell phone every half hour until 5am when he finally answered, I was hysterical so he stopped hanging around her and told me he was a happily married man and we weren't getting divorced. So I again decided I could handle things on my own. I asked for counseling but he refused and didn't want me to go either.

Other times I asked him to come with me to a marriage seminar or workshop or weekend or something but he thought those things were dumb.

When he finally decided to leave me he agreed to go to MC but said he was sure it wouldn't do any good. He showed up a few times but mostly stood me up at it, and I spent the times he didn't show up, talking about me and working on my issues. He completely stopped after going about 4 times, but I kept up with it and it's been a godsend for me.

I learned how I got to be how I am, how to change, how to want better for myself and take care of myself, I got encouragement to go to a 12-step program, I learned relationship skills, but above all I learned how good outside help can open your eyes to things about yourself that you could't face or couldn't fathom.

[AJM]

And with regards to your H....? What are your plans?


AJ