Newbie needs help:husband left Saturday

[LoisB]

I know how much this hurts. I'm so sorry you have found yourself here.

No, you didn't deserve this. There's nothing you could have done to prevent it.

So here's what I wish I had known almost exactly 24 months ago:

It's not my fault. I didn't do a damm thing to cause this crisis. The marriage wasn't perfect and I'm not perfect, but NO ONE deserves this pain.

Two years from now, I'm going to be one awesome lady with a strength I never knew I had. I'm going to like myself, I will enjoy a brand new confidence and I will have accomplished things I never thought possible. My H is still spinning. I'm not.

My kids will be ok. My children are thriving. It's taken us a while to get here, but we are healing and, about six months ago, we started laughing again in a really happy, healing way. Before we laughed and got through the day. Now, we enjoy our days.

My life is way better than it was with H. Way better. I'm stronger, the house is prettier, the kids feel more secure to be themselves in their own home and I like my life. It's not perfect, but I'm getting there.

Feel the bad stuff. Let it out. Don't try to pretend you are ok for the kids. It's ok for them to know you are sad, it gives them permission to feel their own scared, sad, angry feelings.

You DO have control over what you think about. When you begin obsessing about H and OW--turn it off. I know it's hard, but the sooner you learn this habit, the better off you will be.

It's not what you are thinking anyway. She is simply a "fix" for whatever he is avoiding feeling.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this, but I'm also excited for you. Strong women and men are born on these boards.

You will be ok. I promise. Think of one comforting thing you can do for yourself tonight. Something lovely and special and nurturing to your heart.

Lots of Love,

Heather

[T-boned]

Amen,LoisB, your post is a beacon of hope for us all. Thank you!



DXW, do you have any good girlfriends you can get together with on those weekend nights the kids are with H?

((((Big hug to you)))))

[dxw689]

Well, the most comforting thing I found in the last 24 hours was reading your post, Heather (LoisB) - and yes, T-boned: Thank you, in fact, last Saturday night, I went out for dinner with a great group of my girlfriends - many friends of mine have been great sources of support. The thing is, they are all married with kids now and so there is only so much you can draw on them - in fact, I have been trying to spread my need around. And in fact, there are times when I feel I am doing well and making progress, but there is always some back-sliding. Last night was hard - it was snowing here, so I didn't want to go out and it was the perfect night to be in with family - and mine was gone, taken from me. And oddly, in the previous year or two I had really gotten to a point where I had appreciated my family above all else: Although, I admit, and this is an important point, I did not, I think, appreciate my husband specifically this way - and that was the problem. But there are good suggestions here and I am working on getting a life in even new and more ways than I had before...

[T-boned]

Glad to hear you have some good support in your friends. It would help if you had one or two who had already been through this.

I have two friends who are divorced and provide excellent support for me, but both left their husbands so they don't have the perspective of being the LBS. So that's a little limiting. But they both know my husband well, were at our wedding, and are just as baffled by it all.

Yeah, I've been backsliding for the past four days. Tonight it feels like I lost almost every bit of ground. It's just part of the cycle - first you make progress and feel in control, then next comes the drop down. At least I know, well I think I will be on the rise again - I just hope it happens tomorrow. I don't want to be in the trough any longer.

Just keep doing what you're doing - sounds like you are on the right track. Feels like an eternity, huh?

[keep_going]

dx -

I just read your whole thread and I first want to tell you that I am sorry for what you are going through. I had a similar situation to yours with my H. OW did not move in with him, but he introduced my kids to her and her kids very early on.

I understand all the pain you are going through - it's impossible to describe it to others, and only those who have walked this path can understand. It's not just about the betrayal in the marriage, but having OW in our kids' lives and the feeling of being replaced just like that... That is another level of pain. So I send you hugs.

As for the lawyer, let me give you the best incentive for you to do something.

I am also in a no fault state.
My H used to earn twice as much as I did.
He spent a lot of money on partying with OW.
He lost his job.
I then had to work.

The fact that your H doesn't have a job, now means that HE may seek alimony FROM YOU. So you are looking at potentially now having to support not only him, but OW and HER KIDS when they are with your H, since SHE also lost her job...

THAT was the incentive that drove ME to hire a lawyer. The prospect that on top of all the emotional pain, the betrayal, I might end up supporting THEM. Sounds unfair? You bet! yet, it could very well happen - or at least your H might petition it and then you would need to hire a L anyways to counteract his alimony petition.

SO PLEASE SEE A LAWYER ASAP. The fact that he is losing his job is a HUGE, HUGE deal.

And remember - you are not alone and things will get uglier before they improve, but they WILL.
So hang in there.

And please - don't fear what your actions will do to your M. Your old M is dead. Your H has introduced OW to your kids...
This now goes way beyond not making waves.

Let go of your H. He needs to live this journey of his and things will implode in his face without you needing to be in the way.

This should be a time to take care of you and your kids, because clearly your H is incapable of right now. Remind yourself that this is NOT the H you married. This person you are dealing with RIGHT NOW is a stranger, someone who just doesn't care about you and whose actions have proven to hurt you and your kids.

Focus on your emotional healing. If you are strong, you can be strong for your kids. Have you heard the analogy of the oxygen mask? You put on yours first and then you help your kids.

Keep coming back here. WE ALL GET IT.
When DB, I went to a really, really dark place and if it wasn't for my kids, this board and the fact that I was pregnant, I don't know what would have happened to me AND what would have been of my kids, since my H was in party mode with OW at the time. Three years later, life is different for me, because I CHOSE to make it different.

YOU ARE IN CONTROL HERE. It may not feel that way now, but you can choose what to make of this.

Chose to teach your kids that life will throw punches at them, but that they can overcome them. Show them with your actions that what matters is how you overcome your struggles. Become the woman and mom that they will be proud of today, tomorrow and in 20 years.

Use your kids as your motivation to overcome the most challenging and painful situation you will go through in your live. They are watching and you can teach them how THEY can also overcome this and THRIVE.


((((((((((dx))))))))))

[dxw689]

keep_going, floydman and others: Well, I just got back from the lawyer's, and essentially, what I was beginning to suspect from doing a little digging on the 'net is true: It is all bad for me. I work my but off, make more than him, he is getting laid off, I also have more assets in my name, including retirement accts, we have equity in the house, but it is all marital property, and he can move out and in with another woman, have my kids sleep with them, and then he is legally entitled to actually MORE of our joint assets - most of which are in my name, because he makes less than I do. It is unbelievable. And although I would like to stand for the marriage, waiting for him to make a legal move could be worse for me $wise etc. So the upshot, is the advice I got was to try to come to a divorce agreement with husband - which means ME bringing up the divorce - which is not what I want - I don't want to have this conversation with husband. It is a no-win situation.

[dxw689]

Oh, and now I am getting even more freaked out as I sit here and ruminate. I had gotten so concerned about the finances that there are issues of custody that I did not go into enough: since he moved out, the kids have been staying with him 2 nights per week. But the lawyer mentioned that it is common these days for spouses to split custody, each 3 or 4 days per week and every other weekend. I desperately do not want this and we had strayed into talking about whether to file something to impel the other woman to leave, but I mentioned I thought that would only hurt things at this point, since they have already been staying with her, they seem to like her and her kids and my husband has gotten angry on the occasions when I tried to talk to him about not having her stay with my kids. I am afraid it will limit my ability to co-parent with him, make him angry and think I am limiting their access to him - the kids really love him. And the arrangement of them staying with me 5 nights a week and him 2 is working out well for us both and I don't want to put that arrangement in jeopardy.

[FloydMan]

That is what I figured DX. I am so sorry. It [censored] to be the bread winner, but also be so very proud of yourself too. Ou are a good, and responsible person. Yes, more jurisdictions are going equal access on custody. This is good for the kids in most situations when not parents work. I pay a child support amount based on me earning more, which I am okay with as it is for kids. I pray she does not lose her job and have to pay spousal support (alimony) too. She is litigating anyway, even with her job. I also have to shuffle tens of thousand to her from assets from my side. she blew all hers during marriage so it is gone prior to valuation date. It is a tough pill to swallow that they can be so unethical and profit from it. Just keep your head high because you are the better person. We feel penalized for being successful but that is the law. If your L feels he can get your kids away from OW at this point,mMaybe worth looking at. It is wrong for them.
You are loved on this board (((((DX))))) !

[dxw689]

Thanks FloydMan: I needed that.

M 20 yrs
me 47
H 51
s11
d8

BD 10/7/13
H Moved out 11/30/13
OW moved in w/H Jan 14

[dxw689]

Calling for quick help from the boards: Who has experience with the Beyond Last Resort technique: That is, approaching the walk-away spouse and telling them, I set you free - if you want a divorce, you have it. It has only been just short of 4 months since bomb drop, but in that short time, he moved out, slept with other woman together with my kids in his apartment "because he wanted them to meet her", and now OW has moved in with him. He likes to hint at how much fun they are all having to me and avoids all serious alone discussions, so that I never know these things are occurring until after they've happened. Now he is about to be laid off and other woman already was. I've seen a lawyer, who thinks I should file for divorce immediately. I have been calm in all post-BD discussions - well, some tears, but no screaming. But he is running extremely fast and it is like he wants me desperately to hear that he wants out with no going back. After much discussion with friends and soul-searching, I think I am about ready to be willing to give that - to say, if you want me, I love you, I am here. But if you don't want to be with me, you go do what you need to do. I am willing to set you free.

Experiences or advice from the vets and the boards?