own a buz 20: confused within the confusion

[makingmagic]

IMHO, I really think your H is being honest and not trying to "protect" himeself or take advantage of you. I think like most people in MLC, he's confused and taking his time sorting things out because non-confrontation or non-conflict is what he's looking for..

I hope you are right. I think he is DEF confused and is trying to sort things out... He admits he has been trying to do this for the past year, without much luck... therefore wants to see my therapist.

The part where you are controlling and manipulating is that you keep pushing and pushing (yes you do) him to make decisions about your R just because YOU can't handle it and are anxious. You've done it to everyone who posts to you. You push and push and push for answers. We all tell you the same thing, but you push some more AND THEN you ask someone outside and come back and tell the rest of us about it. And guess what? Their advice is the same as ours. You only hear what you want to hear.

....ok I will accept that YES, I appear to be pushing (but he hasn't received any of the push... At least I hope not). Yes... I want him to make the RIGHT decision about us and you are right it is ME who cannot handle it and is extremely anxious. I don't know how to be different. I try. As for hearing what I want to hear... its not quite that... it is received when it finally sinks in (after much repetition... sorry, this is a fault) OBS need to work on it, but not sure how.

You have to understand that in KenF's case, his W REALLY took advantage of him and flaunted her OM in front of his face. .

OK... Ken's story is different and is HIS. And he is very cautious with reason... it doesn't mean that his story is mine. I appreciate him telling me to be careful. It scares the living bejeezus outta me... thinking my h would be like that.

Your boyfriend (and yes, that's what he is) didn't do that. I could be wrong, but it really does seem like he didn't think it was a big deal because you're not together any more..

2 points: YES... he was my boyfriend. BUT a 20 year BOYFRIEND who felt HE was committed. And was disappointed in what happened during our "committed" relationship. Although we are not together, he is now insisting on some truths. He wants me to KNOW that he did not have sex..... and that he has dated only her... on/off for just a few dates.

During this time I haven't seen you actually work on your insecurities. You ridicule him, yes you do. You keep saying you don't mean it, etc, but you do it alot. In fact, I don't know how many times you kept saying he treated you like a doormat...

MAJOR insecurities... even more so now!!! but, it wasn't just me to claim "doormat".. my daughter and friends say that too... ???

It is HIS MLC. YOU can't control it. HE has to be the one to reach that understanding on his own WITHOUT your help. This isn't him reaching out. It's him answering you because you need to control what's going on in your life and his.

YES... the more I hear it repeated that this is HIS MLC... the more empathy I have. As much as I still have my own hurts about it... I KNOW and have KNOWN for a long time that he isnt doing this to hurt me, but to figure himself out!

How can you suggest he isnt reaching out? He is the one asking for face to face time, trying to call me, etc.. I didn't bring up the R talk that day... nor the one yesterday. He is asking me to control the boundaries of when our next R talk will be, and he will follow suit. He also asked me to make the boundaries for work vs. personal time... he will follow. I suggested that we talk through this part together.

I don't know how many times we've told you this...take care of you and fix yourself first. If you do get back together again, could you honestly say that you have changed enough that things would be great living with you? No resentments? No insecurities? No need for constant validation? Be honest.

YOU along with everyone else have told me many times to take care of myself... and I HAVE been. I am doing all that I can:
therapy, cbt therapy, church, prayers, mediation, books, DB site, womens support group, then tons of GAL!!"... I am overloaded with fixing myself. I have made progress that I am proud of. I wish you could see it. Believe it. However, I am and will continue to be a "work in progress". I will need further MC/IC if we were to R. I will have resentment issues to deal with. I also have insecurities that I continue to work on (however, I have gained back soooo much self-worth... I want the best!!), Validation (hmmmmm... need to think about that one.). Honest... I AM! Always... whats the point of being less than honest... its not going to get me anywhere anyway!