WAW Said She's Done, III Realization setting in

[OneDay]

What does "daddy duty" have to do with working on yourself? What does living together, raising two boys and the W putting in long hours (and Saturdays) have to do with you improving? What are you working to improve?

WHoa whoa, hold on! I didnt mean "Daddy Duty" in a bad way. I like hanging and doing fun/new things with my boys. Her schedule just completely changed due to BD and she needs money to get her own place. Im just a little perturbed about her new hours and wanted to vent here.

I've been doing new things with my boys and we are loving it. We have Baseball on saturdays. During the week is kinda tough though, by the time I get home from work, eat and clean up its getting close to bed time.

I've been working on alot of things. I quit drinking and dipping. I've become alot more patient with everyone. I stop what Im doing if the boys ask me to play with them (instead of saying in a minute) Im working on become a better listener, to truly look at someone when talking and not always speak whats on my mind or what I think is best. Im trying not to be selfish person. I've been reading more, and attending church regularly. Im working out and am probably in best shape of my life right now.

I feel good/better about myself, but not about my situation. I hate this is happening to me, WAW and the boys.

[OneDay]

Im so frustrated today, I really need some help.

So yesterday WAW took the boys to children/family health counselor as she wanted to find out ways to respond to their questions about whats happening with the DB and for the boys to have someone to talk with. That night after the kids went to bed I asked how things went. She went into full robot/business mode and told me what the counselor suggested for us to do/try. She was just so straight faced and to the point. (not the normal caring mother she use to be) Its so dam hard to listen to her when she is in business mode.

Then this morning she calls and asked me if I could do her a favor as she needed some bank statements (from our closed account) for her attorney. I told her she was going to have to call and request that information from the bank and if they needed my authorization I will give it to them. She tried to beg and plea a bit more and mentioned something about a fee associated with it and If I could just print them out for her. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I finally told her no, and that calling them was her best bet.

I get so frustrated whenever she brings up the attorneys or divorce She goes into full business mode and acts like im someone else. (i cannot stand it) She will bring up Divorce like shes talking about going to the grocery store. Like its the greatest thing to do. Like its no big deal and this is our only path now. Like I dont even matter to her anymore. Like Im her enemy.

Agrarrrgagghhh!!! Is this common/normal for WAS to act like this. Its so hard to take, its so pain full. What can I do.

[tough spot]

Business mode.....I had to ask my wife a financial question the other day and in so doing, i described what i was trying to achieve. At which point she said 'you are trying to turn this into a conversation, you are the financial guy, just let me know what you want me to do'. Talk about being shut down!

I feel that the wall my wife has built around her allows no emotion in or out. The fact that on the few occasions I have sat there with tears leaking out of me and not a single iota of concern or compassion on her face, make it that much more difficult.

So i do think there is merit in the actions not words. I don't think any words would penetrate that wall, however actions/changed behavior may bypass her "safeguards".

My wife is a different person right now. Mind set, come hell or high water, she will not be dissuaded from her path. Business mode is a good expression to use. We can joke and talk trivial stuff all day but once the kids go to bed she wants nothing to do with me and goes to the bedroom to watch some tv.

Every night within 10 minutes of the kids in their room, she goes to ours and stays up for at least two hours. And I sit in the living room until I go to bed. Most depressing part of the day when she gives me her flat tone 'good night'.........

[FloydMan]

Wow it all sounds so familiar to me from 18 months ago. Careful pal, it can get nasty and ugly real quick if you push her buttons. However, you did the right thing by not being her secretary for her stuff. I made that mistake and seemed that she only walked more and more on me with more anger. I was so stupid to do all those favours thinking it would help.
Now, it also has not been that long for her to see permanent changes either, so she will doubt the changes as being genuine or a ploy. I had the exact same comments from mine but I let it get me down and made her look right. Do the changes for you pal, not her. If it works for the relationship then great, but do it for you. I finally got around to that realization and picked it up again. My M is over, but I am not. Roller coaster ride but you will be better off for you, no matter how the M turns out.
Btw ..... What's 'dipping' ?

[tough spot]

dipping is chewing tobacco

[FloydMan]

Ahhhh....dumb Canadian me. We just drink beer, rye and smoke. lol. I took up the latter after separation...calms me down but gotta stop for me and the kids soon. Cutting down.

[OneDay]

So, I emotionally lost it in front of WAW last night!

WAW and I got into another argument about the chore's and who's doing what around the house. She's working 50+ hours this week and feels im not doing enough around the house. She's been keeping score for quite some time and has even admitted that to me. She believe Im intentionally not doing things to pi$$ her off. I told her that wasnt the case, but she didn't believe me.

Then the argument turned into my past drinking problem and how that was (among other things) the downfall of the marriage. She's told me that I have no Idea how it has affected her or the boys. That's when I lost it. I started to cry like a little baby. I could barley talk or even stand up straight. I told her I didn't know at the time how my actions were effecting everyone, but I can clearly see now, albeit late, what it has done. I told her I wish things could be different but I cannot go back and change things now. I told her she gave me the biggest wake up call of my life and I am looking at myself and things around me differently now. She then said she noticed I've changed and likes how Im interacting and my demeanor towards the boys. She even said she's told several people, including the pastor I've changed.

She did not say a whole lot back, only nodded a few times. She eventually went into the room, but came back out because she heard me still crying. She sat next to me and started crying too, and told me she was sorry that I was hurting so much. She said she wants and is trying to forgive me. She said shes sorry for keeping score and cannot let get of her resentments towards me, but really wants too.

After that we both cried for awhile longer, not saying anything, just crying. It was getting late and she eventually said we better get some sleep. We hugged briefly and then said goodnight and she went into the room.

I wish more would have/could have been said, but as usual our communication skills are horrible with each other. I am now feeling worse than ever about myself. I honestly believe that most of this is my fault. Its so hard for me to see and believe how DONE she is with me and this marriage. I do not want to believe this marriage DONE.

[tough spot]

If all that was said, how could you think that was poor communication? Sounds to me a lot better than 'business mode'!

Everyone 'slips' against the tenants of DB. In this case it doesn't sound damaging to me. 'Done' is a bit off sir.............

[AnotherStander]

OneDay, almost all of us had a similar episode with our WAS's after BD. I agree with TS, don't worry about it, it wasn't a setback. It didn't help things either, but I don't think it hurt anything. OK, so the real question is where do you go from here? From now on if you need to cry then do it! But do it in private. I used to cry all the way home in the car, then pull it together long enough to walk past the kids to my room to "change clothes", then close and lock the door and collapse on the floor crying some more, then change, dry off and go into the house with as much of a smile as I could muster. That's what you've got to do. Show your WAS nothing but PMA. Become the strong, independent, attractive person you were when y'all met. Show her THAT. Also don't fall into the trap of over-apologizing. One apology is fine, maybe even two if it comes up again. But the more you repeat the same apologies, the more it starts looking like begging/ pleading/ groveling.

And for heaven's sake, GAL!!! That was what eventually took away my need to cry. The more I GAL'd, the less sorry I felt for myself.

[OneDay]

If all that was said, how could you think that was poor communication? Sounds to me a lot better than 'business mode'!
Everyone 'slips' against the tenants of DB. In this case it doesn't sound damaging to me. 'Done' is a bit off sir.............

Thanks Tough, defiantly better than business mode. I hope your right am a bit off about her being done.

AS- Thanks for the reply. I did not intend to cry, I tried so hard to hold it back, but when she started talking about the boys, I lost it. I could not hold back, and at that moment I didnt even want to. I agree, I dont think it hurt or helped at this point. As many of you say, Im still very early in this. Im going to try keep a PMA, strong, independent, attractive and get myself a life.

Thanks again guys!