PatientMan VII - What's My Latitude?

[PatientMan]

There is just so much going on in my head right now, I don't know where to start.

Really, what I need to decide is if I'm willing to ride this roller coaster with her, strapped in as best I can, or whether I need to get off of it.

She fully recognizes what her roller coaster is. She wants two things:

1) Me
2) "To be okay on her own"/"independent"/"strong and capable on my own"

She sees these two as mutually exclusive, so she has decided that she can't/won't go for #1 without first completing #2. Her roller coaster is missing me while she is going for #2, and feeling like she isn't accomplishing her goals of improving herself when she is going for #1.

No, it is not a coincidence that I'm #1.

So she fully realizes and admits that she's on her roller coaster, and admits to feeling bad for putting me through it as well.

She told me that sometimes she wants to just pack up and move back to Chicago, which would be much closer to family. I responded with "please don't take them away from me" (she can't, legally, but that isn't the best response) and she said, "In this scenario you would come with us." And then she rattled off a bunch of reasons why it would make sense to move there.

We went back and forth a little bit about the positives, but she knows it's a little bit of a pipe dream and that we can't just run away from our problems. I told her to "sleep on it."

Yesterday I asked her how she felt, and she responded with the roller coaster answers of wanting to be independent, but missing me. "Emotional" "Brain dead" "Not sure how I feel" as examples. "I do want to be independent. Feel strong and capable on my own." Then "But I miss you."

I told her "You ARE strong and capable - you've more than proven that. But if you don't 'feel' that way, then I can see how you are 'not sure.'"

And then I tried to point out that 1)missing me, and 2)independence are not mutually exclusive states of mind, but I don't want to tell her that, I want her to realize it on her own. So I subtly said, "Does missing me mean you aren't independent?"

She replied "No, it just makes it harder because I want you around." And then "Feel like I'm still learning things about myself."

So I respond with a little bit of my own experience, but also subtly tried to point out that learning and growing doesn't stop when you're with someone.

That's the bulk of it from the last two days.

So it was her weekend, but I spent a lot of time at her house. And I was there again last night to see the girls, but XW was gone for most of it because she was at work. I fed the girls dinner and then we went to Hobby Lobby to get some crafts they have been asking about.

Got back to her house and she still wasn't home yet, so I got the girls started with their bedtime stuff. I heard the garage door open, but after a couple of minutes XW didn't come in, so I poked my head into the garage to check. She was in her van on the phone finishing up a conversation.

I know she was just chatting with a friend, but a pang of jealousy hit me. It's so weird that I still feel that. In fact, I had that exact same feeling after the very first time I saw her, 15 years ago. Her brother had stopped by with her as she was visiting our duty station from out of town. She didn't say anything, and there were people everywhere - I even spoke to them - but all I remember is her. When they left I heard someone else come up and start talking to them and that same pang of jealousy hit me.

So weird.

Anyway, XW is home, so it's time for me to leave, but the kids are being sneaky little darlings about it, asking for "one more hug" or "one more jump from the stairs" (the little ones like to jump from the 5th and 6th step on the staircase and have me catch them...actually D10 still does it too, but she's kind of small and will go up to the 7th step ).

And I swear they've preplanned this out because they're individual tactics and overall strategy - down to the location of each child - was in such a way that I was there for an extra 20 minutes.

D7 said she was "stressed out" because the people who sit at her table at school talk too loud and she only gets to see her Dad twice a week now and she wants to see him more than that. GUT-PUNCH! I swear I heard the boxing play-by-play announcer excitedly yell from the living room nearby, "AND D7 LANDS A WICK-UD SHAWT TO THE BAWDY!" (He has a Boston accent.)

I think that's enough rambling for now. I'm all caught up in it, but I don't know if it's better to not be.

"Girl is on my mind,
Try to ignore it,
I try to unwind,
But she is on my mind"

-PM