Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

Thanks AS,

I believe I am in a tough spot. My W always complained that I never helped around the house. Problem is she never did anything either. I don't know if that had something to do with the way she was brought up or what. She felt like she was doing everything laundry, dishes, cooking but no general house cleaning things like dust, run the sweeper, clean bathrooms etc.

I always tried to do housecleaning but the pattern was she would get upset if I tried because IMHO it was something she probably thought she should be doing but didn't feel like it.

It could have been because I didn't do much repairs on the exterior of the home too(staining the deck, cleaning the garage, etc) I understand that.

About two years ago I heard what she was saying and started doing laundry, dishes and some cooking. She noticed this and told me so.

The only thing I didn't do was general house cleaning because for some reason that still seemed to cause a problem when I tried. Maybe I had an attitude about doing it and she sensed it and that is what upset her.

If I did have an attitude I don't anymore. I am very cautious about it so that I don't project one either.

She is now pitching in with the general housekeeping. We are still doing our own laundry, dishes and cooking because we are in a in-house S. We aren't cleaning together but it is getting done.

Not sure how I can turn that into an Alpha behavior.

Just the other day I did put a cedar chest together we got as gift about 10 years ago. I could start to paint the inside of the house because it needs done badly. I then will have a friend install new carpet and some hardwood we always talked about but didn't do because of our pets.

When I proposed this last Summer she felt I was throwing it in her face because she said we would have to sell the house and leave everything that we did that she wanted done years ago for someone else to enjoy.

Her response to the cedar chest was "why is that out of the box it is just going to be harder to move when we have to leave." I said "I thought we could use it for storage and it is not that heavy." She said "I don't think you understand what I am saying." I didn't respond that way we didnt get into a D convo. I knew what she meant though.

She said over Christmas that we couldn't do upgrades on the house till we found out what the L's had to say about it. If I do start to paint and she gets upset how do I handle this? I want to do it to make the house nicer for me and W because it is something I should have done a long time ago. But also so that if we have to sell, it might increase an offer.

As far GAL, I am still going out to the social clubs we used to go to together. I am not drinking though I haven't since the S, I did join a gym. I need to rejoin after having eye surgery that wouldn't allow me to lift weights.

I am doing basically all the same things we used to do together but I am doing them by myself. Its stinks but it is things I enjoy so that helps.

She knows I renewed tickets for a Car race and plan on going. We have gone to this for the past 10 years together along with my MIL. At first, when I asked about the renewal form she asked are you still going I said yes and she said oh. It came out the night I moved back that she was unhappy because she felt she was paying for half of the trip and not going. I put the tickets on a credit card but knew in two months I would be paying them off with the way we are splitting the bills so I didn't think it was a problem.

I will save her a ticket but I have already asked others friend to attend and they probably will. If not I will go myself not a problem. If she decides to go she is more than welcome. The friends that I asked are mutual so if she does decide to go it would give her people to talk other to than me. This might make her consider it but I have no expectations.

I know the "too little too late" deal but you have to start somewhere correct?

I am doing things on my own so not to appear needy, but I am asking her questions or opinions in e mails or texts, sometimes speaking directly about things that she has better knowledge than me on and letting her know that I think she is very good at these things.

I have built up my self-esteem and know that I can be fine without W but I am choosing to stand for my M. I have done a good job at keeping my emotions in check.

I believe I am projecting this "new" me to my W and others. Friends and family have told me they see changes. I am not sure if this is them being nice or they are sincere.

The W on the other hand, has told me all these things I am doing and she listed them out must make me feel "holier than thou". I told her no I am just doing things for myself to be a better person.

If there are examples of Alpha vs Beta behaviors I would be interested in an example or two that I might be able to apply to my Sitch.

Thanks in advance!