Thanks for your concern, everyone. It wasn't serious, but it's not lost on me that I need to put on my oxygen mask and help myself right now. I'm treading some murky waters and realize I need to sloooowww down and pay attention to my own world and back away from other stuff that I allow to distract me.
This stupid accident serves as a very real and metaphoric stop sign for what is going on personally. If I had more clear signs from up above, they would smack me in the face.
On the superficial side, my phones and internet here at work were restored 20 minutes ago, but have been down since 11 am Friday. It's the 2nd time since November that I've had an outage of 3+ days. It is an absolute *killer* to a self employed business. So yesterday around the same time (just before it really started snowing), I found out from my CLEC that the problem was on Century Link's side (our baby bell) and not likely to be fixed before the end of business. I was pissed and decided to close up shop and head home to internet service there. I literally backed my SUV up without looking in the rear mirror, accelerating hard and completely nailed a poor woman in a rental car. She was gracious about it.
I went home, and after BA texted me, I shut off my phone and downloaded a new book on my kindle and just relaxed. I woke up this morning with some clear thoughts. And although I didn't have phones or internet here at work again until recently, I started thinking about what's going on under the surface.
I know I've told you about my former boss - I inherited the company from him back in 2008 when he walked away to deal with his liver disease. I'm the daughter he never had, and he's my D19's godfather. We're still close. I'm also his executor, legal and medical POA. Back in 2008, he was given 3-5 years to live. I swear he's got more than 9 lives, having come close to the end several times since then. The liver disease turned to cancer 2 years ago, and while it metastasized to the lung and esophagus 2 years ago, they've been able to deal with the miniscule tumors and he's been comfortable. On Friday, they confirmed that there is a large tumor in the lung and it has metastasized to the lymph system. He meets with the oncologist on Friday. He doesn't feel so well now and gets tired just making the bed.
So there are 3 of us in his true inner circle - 2 cops and me (both of whom I adore). One of the cops took him to the CT scan on Thursday. The other cop and I went to dinner with him on Friday.
It's REALLY hard watching someone you love die. He's anxious, and so are we. Because he's cheated death so many times, we joke that he's got the lives of 2 cats. But sadly, I think this is the end. And so does he. He's the eternal optimist and always plays the hope card. But... having been a hospice volunteer for more than 10 years, I know the fate of cancer when it comes to this point, and I know what's in store. While I stand to personally gain from his final departure, it makes me feel guilty and sad and I sometimes don't know what to do with that.
Anyway, it's just a big reminder to me that I need to slow down and pay attention to how *I* feel and not to pretend that it's not bothering me. Because it is.
So there you have it. I thought Mr. Wonderful was going to give me sh!t, but it turns out he didn't. He first asked me if I was okay (as well as the lady I hit) and then said, "Your fault this time, huh? Well at least you did a lot of damage. If you're going to cause an accident, at least make it worthwhile." He said this kindly and commented on his way out my door (he was picking up D16's weekly meds), "Get some rest. You've had a lot on your mind lately."
True that.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
