Just when I think things are going well, my heart gets torn out again. Even though I have hope, I must come to the realization that WAW is truly Done with this Marriage and wants out. Her wall is up and I can feel the resentment towards me. She speaks in absolute negatives.
We are still living together which is hard because at times it doesn't even feel like were getting a divorce. I dont think either one of us has come to the FULL realization of what life is going to be like after the BD. We dont talk much (if any) about the Divorce, the future, whats going to happen etc. The elephant is in the room, but we dont really discuss it.
As of late the current living arrangements have been frustrating WAS. We trade nights on the blow up mattress which we move in the living room each night. She said she doesnt have any privacy in her own home and feels frustrated. She also states it doesn't make sense to move out until the Divorce is final (i think the attorney has something to do with that).
So the other night (out of nowhere) she mentioned getting bunk beds and moving the boys in one room so we could have our own space. I know it doesnt seem like much, but it just made me feel that she's slipping that much further away. The realization hit that she needs/want to be away from me and It hurt, my heart felt like it was getting ripped out again. I didnt engage much as it came out of left field. I did say, well maybe not bunk beds at this point, maybe just a bed frame and move both beds into the bigger room. this is what she wants and I feel I have no control about her decision. That was about all that was said, but I think I need to discuss it further.
Should I be honest and tell her how I feel, How it torn my heart out when I heard her say that. Should I tell, while I dont agree, I do understand where your at? Should I tell her, W it hurts me to hear you say that you want to be separate from me. Or do I roll with it and act like its perfectly fine.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
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I have to keep reminding myself that she is DONE right now.
This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. She gets angry at me for the littlest things. She is acting like I owe her something.(I did this, you do that mentality) I think you guys call it cake eating. I want to scream, and yell. I want to argue with her, prove a point, tell her to wake up. I sometimes want to tell her if she doesn't like it to leave.
But most of all I want her back. Im trying to be a better man, I know she see it, she's told me, but she doesn't believe the changes will last. I know I have alot to go, I just hope I can hang on.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Just when I think things are going well, my heart gets torn out again. Even though I have hope, I must come to the realization that WAW is truly Done with this Marriage and wants out. Her wall is up and I can feel the resentment towards me. She speaks in absolute negatives. See the "Rules for Newbies that Sandi assembled, based on MWD's teachings and experiences here.
We are still living together which is hard because at times it doesn't even feel like were getting a divorce. why isn't that a good thing?
I dont think either one of us has come to the FULL realization of what life is going to be like after the BD. We dont talk much (if any) about the Divorce, the future, whats going to happen etc. The elephant is in the room, but we dont really discuss it. Have you read the DB or Div Remedy book(s)? READ THEM ASAP and You DO NOT bring up the Relationship or the future or divorce. YOU do not take the temperature of the R....
nothing makes it grow colder than constantly taking the temperature. Back off.
As of late the current living arrangements have been frustrating WAS. We trade nights on the blow up mattress which we move in the living room each night. She said she doesnt have any privacy in her own home and feels frustrated. She also states it doesn't make sense to move out until the Divorce is final (i think the attorney has something to do with that). The more you are around her, the more opportunity you have for showing her YOUR changes. You do realize she won't want back into the marriage,
UNLESS SHE BELIEVES that Marriage to you
can be better/different than before.
So what are YOU doing to show her that?
So the other night (out of nowhere) she mentioned getting bunk beds and moving the boys in one room so we could have our own space. I know it doesnt seem like much, but it just made me feel that she's slipping that much further away. The realization hit that she needs/want to be away from me and It hurt, my heart felt like it was getting ripped out again. I didnt engage much as it came out of left field. I did say, well maybe not bunk beds at this point, maybe just a bed frame and move both beds into the bigger room. this is what she wants and I feel I have no control about her decision. That was about all that was said, but I think I need to discuss it further. 1) You do NOT have any control over her decision so lose that illusion NOW.
2) Secondly, STFU. Do NOT discuss every thing with her. Stop the talk and SHOW the changes. She is NOT interested in hearing your thoughts b/c she already knows them AND your words will do nothing. The more you challenge her choices the more you force her to defend those choices. Please be quiet! Vent HERE or elsewhere but stop telling HER how you feel.
What are your 180s? How are you countering her negative images of you and marriage to you, with new positive behaviors and changes? What is it, specifically that you are doing or not doing, to reflect the deep digging you have done and the changes you are making?
Should I be honest and tell her how I feel, How it torn my heart out when I heard her say that. NOT interesting to her now. She KNOWS how you feel. Stop telling her.
Should I tell, while I dont agree, I do understand where your at? Should I tell her, W it hurts me to hear you say that you want to be separate from me. Or do I roll with it and act like its perfectly fine.
NONE of the above.
You accept with some resignation (b/c you know SHE is making a mistake that will haunt her, someday, b/c you are becoming a man only a fool would leave. So someday, this will be Her loss...) that she is moving forward with her decision but don't make this such a death knell for the marriage.
She wants some space but she's staying in the home! Most people would be glad for that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
We are still living together which is hard because at times it doesn't even feel like were getting a divorce. why isn't that a good thing?
Its just weird because I know she wants out, and is done in her heart. I want to say to her "See is this really that bad. We get along well, always have". But I know better and I don't.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Have you read the DB or Div Remedy book(s)? READ THEM ASAP and You DO NOT bring up the Relationship or the future or divorce. YOU do not take the temperature of the R....
nothing makes it grow colder than constantly taking the temperature. Back off. [/color]
Yes, I've read DR, and I do not bring up any of the above, even though I want to. I did very early in my stich, but since then Nothing.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
The more you are around her, the more opportunity you have for showing her YOUR changes. You do realize she won't want back into the marriage,
UNLESS SHE BELIEVES that Marriage to you can be better/different than before. So what are YOU doing to show her that? [/color]
Well the biggest thing is Im not drinking and dipping anymore. I have been more patient with the kids and her and have lowered my tone of voice when disciplining the children. I've been practicing patience and learning to listen, truly listen, instead of speak. I've been trying to not be selfish. I stop what Im doing when WAW is speaking and Really/Sincerely listen to what she has to say. (whether its serious talk, or just a funny story. Im looking at her with interest)
She actually mentioned she's noticed positive changes in me, but in the same breath said she doesn't think they will last.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
You accept with some resignation (b/c you know SHE is making a mistake that will haunt her, someday, b/c you are becoming a man only a fool would leave. So someday, this will be Her loss...) that she is moving forward with her decision but don't make this such a death knell for the marriage. She wants some space but she's staying in the home! Most people would be glad for that.[/color]
I know, but its hard because want to Romantically grab her and give her the most passionate kiss, But I cant do that. I cant do anything romantic. All I can be is casual neighbors right now. Thats the tough part about living together. I almost expect (or my mind is telling me) that We should still be sleeping in same bed. Still holding hands while watching TV, still hugging, still taking care of one another, but we dont.
And that is what blows my mind. Because right up to the big BD we were doing good. (or so I thought) Still holding hands, still flirting, joking, having fun etc. To this day, I still dont get it how it came to this.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
All I can think about lately is my poor boys, S10 and S7. They are so confused right now and are going to be so much more confused if this D goes through. Neither of my boys ask/talk to me about whats going on, and I don't bring it up to them. But last night I overheard S10 and WAW talking last night before bed. I guess he asks her questions about whats going on every few weeks.
He was asking questions about our current situation. He said "You guys aren't fighting, and seem to be getting along good" He asked if "We would ever remarry each other again?" He said he "didn't want to have another mom or dad". He wanted to know where she/they are going to live. She answered him with calmly with vague responses like "I dont know" or "It wont be for awhile" or "Its going to be different".
If this goes through, their world is going to be turned upside-down. All my boys have ever known was 1 house, with both Mom and Dad there. They always knew Mom was going to pick them up after school. They knew Mom would be there over winter, summer and spring breaks. There was never a thought of after care or summer care. Now this is all going to change.
I feel so bad for them and I cant get them out of my mind. Should I tell them if they ask me, That I don't want to get a Divorce? That this was not my choice?
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Your nickname its perfect: One day at a time, let God and let go...
You can't read the future neither I do and neither your W can.
Just work on you right now and for the time being I will re read Dremedy and focus on myself.
You have a lot of work to do, its time for you to start changing now.Live the present moment.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
I know I can't read the future, but Im still worried about it. I dont want my boys or WAW to live in an apartment(not that theres anything wrong with that) I just want them to stay in their home, where they belong as a family.
Im trying so hard to work on myself, but its tough when were living together and taking care of 2 boys and 2 dogs. She's picked up alot of hours at work and 3-4 nights a week she is working until 9, so Im on kid duty. She even works most Saturdays, so again I have the kids. I love my boys, but this schedule doesn't leave alot of time to focus on me. Its just daddy duty.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Instead of thinking of it as daddy duty, are there any new activities that you would enjoy that you can involve your kids in? GAL can include your kids. Use this time to be an amazing dad and try new stuff. You may even meet some new people through these activities. If you normally just watch the boys at home, head out on an adventure. One night before Christmas, I loaded up S5, S3 and S1 in our car in their pajamas and we had hot chocolate and drove around looking at Christmas lights. The boys still talk about that night. It did not cost anything, we had a blast. And heck, when H asked the boys what they had done the night before, they talked about our awesome night. Much better than the kids just reporting that we sat at home
And that is what blows my mind. Because right up to the big BD we were doing good. (or so I thought) Still holding hands, still flirting, joking, having fun etc. To this day, I still dont get it how it came to this.
I heard a radio program this morning that was talking how in most cases the H always rates the M as doing fine while the W will rate it much lower. The reason is b/c they aren't connecting. Maybe the quote below is an example of how men & women don't connect:
Quote:
Im trying so hard to work on myself, but its tough when were living together and taking care of 2 boys and 2 dogs. She's picked up alot of hours at work and 3-4 nights a week she is working until 9, so Im on kid duty. She even works most Saturdays, so again I have the kids. I love my boys, but this schedule doesn't leave alot of time to focus on me. Its just daddy duty.
What does "daddy duty" have to do with working on yourself? What does living together, raising two boys and the W putting in long hours (and Saturdays) have to do with you improving? What are you working to improve?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
