I'm new here and since neither my husband nor I have brought up divorce, this may not be the right place. I haven't read Divorce Busting yet, but will if others think that I can apply techniques to my marriage!
Like others, I never expected this. Like others, my husband said he didn't go "looking for this." We had been blissfully married for 18 years when my husband told me that he had flown to one of his out-of-town offices to let a co-worker know that he was "smitten" with her. She's 30 and a newlywed. She responded by telling him that she really likes him, too, but that she'd already broken up a marriage before and that "devastated" her. He said this wouldn't break up his marriage because he and I are best friends and share one heart and I would be happy for him. He actually believed this. He told me he just wanted a "friend" when he goes to this office (which is about every other week). When he told me this, the intent was to do things socially together.
I asked him if they had held hands or kissed. He said no. When she told her husband about the conversation, he asked if they'd had sex. My husband laughed at the difference in trusting spouses.
Following his trip, the two started exchanging emails and texts at a furious rate. They exchanged music. They exchanged photos. He wrote her in the middle of the night that he was up thinking of her and that he was "smitten." She wrote back that she wanted to stay snuggled in bed and read his texts. I told him he was having an emotional affair and this was hurting me.
The next week, however, they held hands. Then they kissed (in his office...in front of my picture...). Then they went to her hotel room and did more than that - but less than sex. Does this sound like the behavior of a woman who was devastated that she caused the divorce of a co-worker???? It took exactly one conversation with her to reel her in, and she was the one who grabbed his hands, and said, "You're never going to kiss me..." My husband swears she's a nice woman, but I have my own theories.
My husband keeps telling me that he "loves his life" and "loves his family." He tells me that he is married to me forever and we are going to grow old together. He reminds me again and again that I am his best friend. He says his parents would be devastated if they knew about this. He doesn't want our children to know. This is some house of cards, right?
I went into a pretty rapid downturn. I've lost 20 lbs. I seriously feel like I have anxiety attacks, and I often cry when I'm alone in the car. I cried all the time for the first six weeks. When I told him that he was having an affair, he said he didn't care. He also told me that my sad behavior only drove him to her. He said he wanted his happy wife back. I told him to end the relationship. He won't because it would make OW "sad."
He believes that because he's telling me what's going on that it's not an affair (WHAT?) because he's being honest. He also tells me that I shouldn't read their texts or emails because "I couldn't handle" what they say to one another. I've stopped reading them. They just piss me off.
She's been out of the country for three weeks, so I got a little break from the constant messaging, and it was really great, actually. He wasn't getting the psychotic dopamine hits all the time. I also had said to him at one point, "Don't get her pregnant and don't get a disease. Seriously - you guys are going to have to talk about past sexual partners even though you've told me that you don't care about her sexual history. You have to do it because that's what responsible adults do, and if you ever sleep with her, you're making me sleep with her, too. Oh, and by the way - we have no idea if her husband knows about this and if he's okay with it because HE'S got something on the side, too....So the person who has the most to lose here is me, because as far as I know, I'm the only one who is taking marital vows seriously right now." That actually meant something to him, but we'll see how strong he is about that once he goes away this week.
She sent him a picture on his birthday of her in her bikini (from her trip with her husband). She has sent him other pictures of her in bikinis. She sends him pictures when she's getting her nails done so he can help her pick the nail polish. It. Is. Ridiculous.
I can't keep up. It's funny - because on my own I had started to take better care of my appearance before she came into our marriage. My H noted that I've been doing this (because of her, he told her) and she said, "I'm sorry that she feels that way but I understand..." I don't think she actually gives one crap about how I feel.
H thinks that all of this is going to blow over and die its own death because she wants to have kids soon. I'm terrified that her husband is going to learn of all of this and leave her. They've only been married since September. I'm even more terrified that she's going to try to rope in my H. She's 13 years younger than I am, and new and different. She also sends him messages like, "I imagine if we lived together...." WHY IS SHE IMAGINING THAT??? It makes me absolutely nauseated.
So...he leaves on Tuesday. Weeks ago I had warned him that I didn't know how I was going to do this week. On previous trips, he and I would spend evenings talking to one another via the computer. I'm not going to wait for him to come home from his "dates" to talk to him. I don't want to know what they did. I can't prevent him from doing anything, anyway. Twice I've asked him to end this, and both times he cried. One time he said he would have to drive the 800 miles to go and break up with her in person because it would be "mean" to do it by email. (Give me a break.) So, I sit and wait...and wonder every single day if I have the strength to get through another day. Somehow, I do. Somehow, I'm smiling at him these days. Most days I make it through the day without reminding him that he's kicking the crap out of my heart.
FWIW, our sex life was super active throughout our marriage, so that's not what was broken. I truly can't figure out WHAT was broken other than the fact that he just wanted some variety and he found someone who was willing to give it to him. When I met him, I thought he was going to be the most faithful, best man ever, so never did I dream this....He even said he thought she might be safe because she was a newlywed, but clearly she's giving it up WAY easier than he expected. And while I say that I don't want to know what's going on, part of that is because if I know when they become sexually intimate, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to continue having sex with him. That is just far too painful for me. Already I freak out at a lot of our physical contact, wondering if he's comparing me to his 30-year old hottie. (ugh). And while I will absolutely mourn the loss of our physical relationship, it would be stupid for me to risk my own health because of his stupid indiscretions. It's not like I think she's some saint, and as I've already mentioned, who knows how her husband is coping with this.
He really is planning for the future with me. He's organized a trip for the two of us to go to the Caribbean in a few months, and we're running a half-marathon together and training for a century ride together in the summer. We spend a lot of time training together, which keeps us very involved in one another's lives...but that's not giving him space or making me mysterious. Of course, he's not asking me for space, just permission, which I'm not giving him, but he's going ahead with this "friendship" anyway.
Confusing, right?
Midlife crisis? Maybe. He's suddenly concerned with things like his body....("Can you make an appointment for me to be waxed?" Me: "No.") Or the fact that he needs his teeth whitened. He also wants to have weekly dinners with his family. I don't know what to call this other than awful.
So....thoughts on how to get through the next week? Month? Year? I'm going to be a mess....It's one day at a time....I've told none of my friends or family, so I'm struggling through this solo.
Me 43 H 43 Married 18 years Together 21 years Two kids, 15 and 13 BD 11/14/13 (but not asking for divorce - just informing me of OW)
You sound that you are doing GAL. It takes determination and stamina to wake up every morning and go through this and then train for a marathon. Make yourself a list of things that make you happy/smile and keep it in your purse. Best wishes on this journey
H 38, me 39 M 13 D 2 yrs BD 2/2013 H in LDEA 2011-2014 H kicked out of our home 8/2013
I definitely did NOT detach after he first let me know about this (which was immediately following his first "date"). I did the opposite...If he was watching something on the television, I did, too. He actually commented that this was a good change, because he used to watch television by himself while I would be on my computer in the kitchen. This seems like a piecing step, but is it too early for this? I don't want to step BACKWARDS....I want to be moving forwards.
That said - I suspect he's left for this trip prepared for action. He sent me a lovely email yesterday saying that I would never have to worry or guess about his feelings again, that he would keep me in the loop...but then he was pretty absent himself last night. I suspect that in the morning they had not exchanged excited messages about his trip, but that changed throughout the day.
So yes...it's clear I need to detach. (sigh)
What exactly does that mean? If he texts me on this trip, do I answer, or do I just say nothing until he gets home???? I know I have to be pleasant and polite and not angry...
I'd better get a copy of the book.
Me 43 H 43 Married 18 years Together 21 years Two kids, 15 and 13 BD 11/14/13 (but not asking for divorce - just informing me of OW)
Okay - help on detachment. He's texting me from work. Do I answer all of these texts?
One of the things that is making me SO MAD is that I had a dr. appointment today for something that's a little bit scary (we'll see if it's scary when I get the results back). This morning from the airport he asked me what was on the agenda for today. I had told him - twice - that I had this dr. appointment.
I did not tell him again.
And later he asked me if I was out because I had gone to yoga.
I didn't answer that.
He is so flipping wrapped up in his head that he can't even remember that I (used to be we) may be facing some scary stuff.
I'm mad and I'm sad about that.
Wow - had made it this far into the day before the tears came (it's after lunch), to that's pretty good, but typing this has brought them on. LOL. Pathetic.
Going to coffee with a friend tomorrow. Starting to wonder who I can confide in. We live in a small town so word will travel fast. Some of my closest friends either have worked for his company or have spouses who still work there. I won't tell my family because....well, my family isn't known for being super supportive but is known for being pretty judge.
I'm feeling really really lonely.
Me 43 H 43 Married 18 years Together 21 years Two kids, 15 and 13 BD 11/14/13 (but not asking for divorce - just informing me of OW)
Today he finally remembered that I had a dr. appointment yesterday, so he asked me how it went.
(sigh)
He also texted me throughout the morning. "Whatcha doing?" and told me that he's not feeling well (he has a cold) and he wanted some cold medicine. Dude...Get some sleep tonight rather than going on your date. So not going to happen, I know.
Breathing, breathing, breathing....and not waiting to hear from him. I have no idea what time he got back to his hotel last night, and I'm sure I won't know tonight either.
He's definitely trying to have his cake and eat it, too. And while the relationship had not gone full blown PA before he left, I have no idea if it has this week. Should I ask? I'm not sure he'll tell me if I don't ask...
Ugh.
He's trying to stay connected to me while totally playing out this other crazy. She's a stinking newlywed who just got back from her honeymoon. Seriously??? Can we talk about the fact that she's going out with my husband multiple nights in a row three days after she got back from a three week trip with her own husband??? What in the world is HE thinking????
This is just so so crazy.
I've got to keep things together here though. We've got family coming to see the 15 year old in a play next weekend. Smile, breathe, keep up appearances....good grief.
I did finally ask one friend today to keep me in her prayers. I've not told anyone about what's going on. She asked if the kids were okay and if my health was okay. I said yes, that I was just sad. She said, "I've seen some of life. Let me know if you want to talk about it." It's tempting, but the world is small, so for now I'll just take some prayers.
Today I was grateful for a great yoga class and a good bike workout. There. Now I'm smiling.
Me 43 H 43 Married 18 years Together 21 years Two kids, 15 and 13 BD 11/14/13 (but not asking for divorce - just informing me of OW)
But a pipe just burst in my basement, for the love of all things holy.
I called my neighbor/son's godfather (who didn't initially answer) and my in-laws. They all showed up within 10 minutes. And in about 11 minutes we were shutting off the water, vacuuming, and clearing debris.
Friends and family are miracles. Really.
And I texted my H...who is away...and probably with the OW.
He sent lots of messages, but the one that meant the most to me was "Oh Hon...I know the timing of this is awful."
Yes. Yes, it is.
In the meantime, his mother is looking at me and asking about my health because I've "lost an enormous amount of weight in a very short time."
It took everything in me not to look her in the eye and say, "Your son is being a very, very bad boy right now and making me lose my mind."
I even managed to keep my cool when she told me NOT to bother him on his trip, because why should he worry about this? Really? Let me start a list why he should worry about this.
(sigh)
Thank heavens for friends and family. Seriously.
Me 43 H 43 Married 18 years Together 21 years Two kids, 15 and 13 BD 11/14/13 (but not asking for divorce - just informing me of OW)
Hi Portia, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You really do need to find one person to confide in that will listen and keep it in confidence. Keeping it all in is so hard on you. Maybe a church leader? Calling a DB coach would be very helpful also, if you are able to do that. Please try to take good care of yourself.
Starting a thread in the newcomers forum will get you more replies.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
One of the things you should work on is becoming a more genuine, confident, person that moves forward with deliberate action. By genuine, I don't mean to infer anything other than you should speak the truth in your heart, and stop trying to be a pleaser and avoiding confrontation. Asking your husband not to get the OM pregnant and not to get a disease tacitly (if not overtly) gave him permission to have s@x with her. Not telling your mother in law to butt out of your marriage is another example of not standing up for yourself. People need to have boundaries in healthy relationships. Being a pleaser, and avoiding confrontation, allows others to cross over your boundaries unmolested. People will only respect the boundaries that you enforce!
If your marriage doesn't fall apart as a result of your husband's cheating with this woman, your actions are only ensuring that he will do it again, and again, and again with other women. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a serial philanderer? I and others on here learned the hard way that tough love is the ONLY love that will get your marriage back and in good shape. Many folks on these boards will ask you to sit back and take a passive attitude in fixing your marriage. I guarantee you that those folks that would advocate this course have not fixed their own marriages for that very reason.
Stand up straight, dust yourself off, look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and say: "I do not deserve to be treated the way my husband is treating me. I'm a beautiful woman that any man would be lucky to have. From now on, I'm going to consciously present myself that way to the world. Nobody is going to stop me from living the life that I desire!". Do this every single day until you believe it in your heart.
