Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part VI)

[AnotherStander]

Quote for the day- “Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.” (Henry Ford)

I forgot to mention in the last updates that I revived one of my old GAL activities a couple of weeks ago, I'm involved in building houses with Habitat for Humanity again. It's something I did before BD but let lapse when W told me after BD that she thought it was selfish of me to "spend all that time" doing Habitat and leaving her to fend for herself with the kids. How ironic that someone could view doing volunteer work as “selfish”!! The other irony is that she and the kids all sleep until noon or later on Saturdays and I would leave before 7:00 and get back at around 1:00, so it was hardly an imposition on her. Often when I got home they were just getting up for the day. Anyway, I think it was a misguided 180 attempt on my part to quit going. I think we all get so focused on “fixing” every “problem” the WAS lays on us that we don’t stop to consider whether in some cases their complaints are even valid or not. D17 needed to get some volunteer hours in so she went with me the last two weekends. It was fun having here there with me and she said she enjoyed it.

I see W a few times a week and she’s still dealing with that really uncomfortable wrap around her arm. It greatly limits her mobility. She seems to be in good spirits though, jokes about it like saying if she doesn’t have to turn while driving she props it up on top of the steering wheel. I asked her if she puts the seat back and turns the stereo up really loud too, LOL! Usually we just see each other a few minutes here and there, but we sit together at S11’s basketball games and chat back and forth. Strangely it’s those times that we get along the best and she seems most relaxed and like her old self. Seems like the other times I see her at my house or hers when doing kid exchanges she’s got her castle walls up.

No news on the D, I’m still keeping with the “don’t ask” policy on that.

I’m still heavily into weight lifting, I finally had to break down and custom order new dress shirts because my old ones are now too tight in the chest and arms. Even my winter coats are a bit snug now. It’s a nice “problem” to have

Wow AS - i am so sorry to hear the news about your wife. I think its just amazing how you keep up a loving persona in the face of all that coldness. You have been very supportive of me in my situation and I wanted to come by and let you know that I am reading your thread as well. While I don't have much advice to offer, I do truly wish the best for you and your family.

Hang in there man!!

Thanks Dingo! W just has one more week of the “heavy” wrap and then gets to switch to the one that’s more of just a compression sleeve, so I think she’ll be much better after that.

AS, you are most definitely the definition of Grace. You are inspirational, for sure. Sorry you are going through this.

Thank you! I really embraced the “woe is me” attitude for a long time I think, but now I realize that maybe I needed this to shock me out of my complacency. My M was on autopilot, but I kind of was too. This has made me take a keener interest in doing something with myself and my life. I certainly wouldn’t wish any of our sitches on anyone, but if it happens then we might as well accept the challenge and turn it into something positive.

You said exactly the right words to your W, plus you also have the true conviction and empathy behind those words to back them up.

You are wise to not expect a response, yet if you still have feelings as you obviously do, you always will have a glimmer of hope.

She may someday realize how lucky she still is to have you in her life to any extent.

Prayers for you and your Wife.

Thank you, that’s very kind of you I’m not sure I’m quite the saint that I may sound like here though, LOL! I try, but certainly there are things I could do better, I’m a work in progress!

AS, I just want to echo what everyone else has already said . . . I am sorry that you and your W are going through this. I am so impressed with how you handle yourself despite your W's unfriendly reaction. I know how much it must hurt you. For what it's worth, many of us on this board have learned so much and continue to learn not only from your advice on our threads but from watching you and how you handle your own sitch.

Thank you Melissa! I do have to say though, if you can get to the point of real detachment, and I think I’ve achieved that, then your spouse’s reaction to things really don’t hurt you anymore. To me it’s more perplexing than painful, I look at the way she reacts to me and I just don’t get it. I used to take it personally but I don’t anymore, because she is literally the only person in my entire life that shuts me out and treats me so coldly. That is all on HER, not me. She’s so mired in the fog that she can’t see the real me, just some made-up version she concocted to convince herself that I was responsible for her unhappiness.

I really admire the man you have become, AS. I hope I get to that point someday. I am so sorry that your wife has to go through this, and I am sorry for you as well. Stay strong, my friend

Thanks SP, I appreciate it! I do feel bad that W has to go through it, and that it is FOREVER, not something that she just has to do for a while. Hopefully this is the last complication she'll have to go through!