Please do not see my response as attack against yours or anything negative or as ignoring your advice (I am not).... I am just trying to understand.... so, I ask more questions (this is me)... and would really like to have a few others opinions too. Vet or not.
Isn't THIS a place that we all strived to get too? A place where our MLC/WAS decides that "they" want to talk?... isn't it my position to now STFU and listen, validate?
He admitted he doesnt want to go through with mediation, isnt looking forward to it, but wants to make sure that I am protected financially. Secure.
He said: When I reflect back on relationships and look at how nasty we can get and then bounce back to a happy place. He likes that we have that resilience. He brought up our old "theme" from the movie The Mexican. Where Brad Pitt and Gina Davis take their relationship to the edge, but their vow to eachother is no matter how far its stretched and you bang heads... you dont give up.
So, wouldn't it be better to hear him out? At least once?
The way I understand my next action to be (based on reading others posts, and jobs advice), is to sit and wait. See if he promotes another R talk (although he said he wants me to do it), and again to listen and validate as he pours his heart out... for me to say things like "I understand your confusion, it must be frustrating, etc"... for me not to judge but to listen empathatically. For him to not be afraid to tell me. To somehow not interject what I WANT (from Bond) into the convo (pass the duct tape please..)
And as read from AS on another thread "great job on validating and not trying to force things too quickly! I think too many people get to your point and forget the squirrel analogy and just want to get everything back to what they perceive as "normal" ASAP, so they start applying too much pressure too soon and it pushes the confused WAS right out the door again. But it's not about going back to what was, it's about building a new relationship, and that takes lots of time. It's just like starting a new R with a new person, it has to develop slowly over time."
"if he insists on relationship talks, remind him he's a grown man and you'll talk about your relationship only after he's figured out what he wants, and that you have no interest in being involved with his confusion. and then leave it at that, end the conversation. show some self respect."...isnt this just where I put in a new boundary... and say that I have not interest in relationship talks as long as he is dating, that he needs to remove OW? I would love to just say to him, that I don't need any more of his honesty...if its just going to hurt me.]
"following mediation, determine how to separate yourself from the business, either sell him your portion or whatever mediation determines."as I will still proceed with mediation... I agree I need to separate myself from the business ... as much as I love being in a business/love R with him. I cannot have one without the other
"get yourself a new job." at some point, after I review my financial situation
give yourself space away from him on a daily basis, this is only adding to your inability to see whats going on. I try to do this now (give myself space)... and he has noticed and commented on it yesterday.
"and then dont wait around for him to figure out his confusion, that's ridiculous at his age. to me its BS, and he's playing both sides, and keeping his options open." yes, I agree here... and find it cruel (not intentional Bond), but still cruel
"if someday things changes after the dust has settled, then maybe consider reconciliation.
"in my opinion there is no chance for a healthy reconciliation while you work together, and while he claims to be confused and while he's dating someone else."He down played their dating, and im not sure why... if he was into it with her, wouldn't he be happy to say he has moved on? He was the complete opposite and offered details of their 2 movie dates and one dinner. They have fooled around but not sex... barf
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
