Went dark on 1/4/14, need some advice to continue

[DrAnnie]

This is my story and I am torn whether to continue since H still in LDEA

I found out on 2/2012 about my H having an EA, we tried to work on things but he kept communications with OW. I kicked him out on 8/2012. The next few months were very hard because we have a 20 month old baby girl and he has not helped me financially at all.

Cell records shows H talks to OW daily. I filled out D papers and drafted a marital settlement agreement and handed the docs to him on 1/4/2014, a day before our 13 yr anniversary. He claimed not to want D, didn't know when he would cut contact with OW or attempt to do something about our R. He seems truly lost. I discovered the same week, talked to a DB coach and read DR. I also stopped all contact with him on 1/4/14, only on Sundays I see him when he takes baby girl for the day.

So, I don't want a D but also don't plan on sitting around for someone taking me for granted. I spent my last 5 months on GAL w/o knowing, IC, yoga, self reflection, focus on my daugther, etc... Now just patiently focusing on me and hoping this LDEA ends...

Anyone DB successful with LDEA? My H texted me tonight about baby, then small chat wanting to know if I was dating, not sure where that came from....how long should I have no contact? Any advice is kindly needed and appreciated.

[Missmygirl]

Annie, I'm sorry to hear you are having to deal with his repeated misconduct. It sounds like you've made it very clear that you expect him to remove this OW from his life. You say that you both tried to work on things. What did you both do?

Since he hasn't broken off comm with the OW and he hasn't financially supported you and your daughter, my guess is that he's definitely not serious about wanting to fix things in your marriage. Asking if you're dating is probably just him checking to see if you're still available for him.

Did you have an attorney draw up the divorce papers for you, or did you come up with the settlement terms all on your own? If you haven't already, you should get some qualified legal advice. They think of things that you would never think of. If you follow through on your threat of divorce, you need to be sure that you don't wish you had agreed to different terms.

[DrAnnie]

The only thing we tried was talking and for him to be more involved with the baby, that was last summer and I gave it a month until I noticed no behavior changes or desired to go to IC or together. So, really we didn't try much until I kicked him out.

Thanks for the advice about legal info; I spoke with two lawyers, an accountant and a financial planner...a bit over board but I wanted to be very prepared, clear and I do not want our daugther's faith to be left to the legal system in some ways...

He is not helping financially because he only makes enough to cover his living expenses?! According to him...today is the first time in a month we exchanged more than 2 text and he said he feels like a failure as a man and then when I ask what are you going to do...he said...I don't know

I am just so torn and a side of me wants to file for divorce to have clear expectations and my other side loves him but it is not sure how long can I wait on this limbo state. Missmygirl, thank you for the reply

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[DrAnnie]

Thank you Cadet. I am really busy at my job so that keeps me focus and with a 21 month old, you have no choice but to visit every playground possible :0)...I can become a reviewer of playgrounds as a second career, ha!

I understand the gift of time and it is really hard to watch time go by in the eyes of my daugther, it is an amazing time in their development and she knows already that there is no daddy around when we are at the beach or the park. I really appreciate your feedback.

[AnotherStander]

Well first, I think you've been doing all the right things. You made it clear to him that you had a boundary- you will not consider reconciling until OW is out of the picture. That is an excellent boundary to have. I agree with Miss that he is not serious about getting back together as long as he refuses to drop OW and refuses to care for your D.

Thanks for the advice about legal info; I spoke with two lawyers, an accountant and a financial planner...a bit over board

I don't think it's overboard at all, just prudent planning!

He is not helping financially because he only makes enough to cover his living expenses?!

Are you in the US? If so, does your state have a legal S agreement? I'm in TX and TX does not recognize S, but other states do. If so then I would suggest drawing up an S agreement right away because if he chooses not to support your D then he should be MADE to support her because it IS his responsibility.

he said he feels like a failure as a man and then when I ask what are you going to do...he said...I don't know

It is not uncommon for WAS's to feel this way (even more common among MLCers). Unfortunately it is not an indication that he is about to turn the corner and come back, his journey could still be many months or even years. Just stick to your boundaries.

[DrAnnie]

Thank you for the information. I wrote a separation agreement and the cheapest and quickest way to file a separation and/or divorce is to get the document notarized so that we do not spent ridiculous amount of time in the courts. He has avoided signing anything claiming that he is not ready. Supposedly, he will be coming by tomorrow to bring the papers so we can get them notarized.

I don't really see any hope on our marriage since it would be detrimental to my daugther and I that we wait around for months or years because he gave us the "gift of time" and in the meantime every month she hits another amazing stage in her young life.