maybe a bit off the edge?

[labug]

Yes, one day at a a time. You can do this.

[dingo]

That is a great goal. Get through today. Take an alternative route, find something to keep you busy during the times you would usually drive by her house.

When I was going through my withdrawal stage, I would stay on the board every night until I was so tired I would fall into bed and pass out. But it worked for me.

Ugh - this last paragraph brought a fist to my gut. During the numerous times that my wife has said she is ready to work on the M, she has always struggled with getting through the withdrawals. She never took the time to read about it and understand what it would be like so she always reverted. Anyway....just venting.

Thanks for the responses guys. I am determined to meet that goal for the week.

[melissag]

Dingo, I really think you will feel better if you focus on yourself and not on what your W is doing, or whether the OM is at her house, etc. You can do it.

[dingo]

You're right. Most of the time I can do a pretty good job of it. Its no problem to get through the work day. Then I usually do something after work so I don't get home until 730 or so. Then its a little tough to get through the 3 hours until bed. Mornings and weekends are tough. I need to fill my time with stuff so im not alone as much.

[dingo]

Got an interesting phone call today.

When my wife was looking for a new job back in the fall, she asked me to send her resume to a former colleague of mine. The three of us had some correspondence but ultimately the schedule of when they were looking to hire a new employee did not fit my wife's needs so she took another position.

Well - that colleague called me today and left a message. He had another resume come across his desk for someone that works/worked at my wife's former company - lo and behold - its the OM. He wanted to see if I had any input or if my wife would be willing to give him input.

Do I mention this to my wife? Do I tell my colleague to contact her directly?

[sandi2]

You aren't contacting, remember?

[dingo]

Correct Sandi. I decided last night to just ignore the call. If he calls back, i will deal with it then.

I have not had any contact with my wife since the email she sent late last week. I have not seen her in over a week and we have not spoken directly in just about a week. I feel ok with it. The longer it goes, the better I feel.

I also did not drive by her place last night or this morning on the way to/home from work. Those are my usual spying times. Baby steps.

[AnotherStander]

I need to fill my time with stuff so im not alone as much.

GAL stuff is really important, but there's something else that's almost as important- you've got to learn to enjoy being alone. It may sounds strange, but it's true. If you can't enjoy being alone with yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to enjoy being around you? I can't remember if I've suggested this before to you, but read No More Mister Nice Guy. It's a book that deals with the "nice guy" syndrome, how supposed nice guys are always seeking affirmation and validation from others and have low self-esteem. It walks you through how to learn to love yourself and who you are. That is really the foundation for all other R's in your life. I think any guy who has been in an extended LTR could benefit from reading the book, we all tend to become pretty codependent in LTR's.

[dingo]

I will check out that book and you bring up a really good point.

I was considering the past 15 or so years of my life. Since my first true LTR (someone I really considered marrying) ended about 9 years ago, I have never really found that comfort I had being alone that I had prior to that relationship. That continued into my current M - I would almost never do things alone. If I had to go to the store, I would time it so she had an errand to run at the same time and we would go together. It was almost as if I had an anxiety or discomfort with not having someone else there - whether it was my wife or a friend or even a co-worker (for job related stuff).

Anyway - I was never like that before so maybe that is something significant for me to work on. Thanks for pointing that out AS.

[sandi2]

That's great, dingo! Now shoot for tonight's goal of not going by her place. Climbing mountains include a lot of baby steps, and when you can't see the top...don't give up, just look where you make the next step.