Ya know something? I realized I didn't miss my old life. I missed Smokey being in my life. I missed the guy under the all the bad stuff. I missed loving him and trusting someone would be there for me no matter what. I missed the good parts of Smokey and I missed those feelings about him. I felt sad for the loss of that innocence. The loss of trusting someone so completely. But, I didn't miss my old life.
She very much describes how I feel.
We are forever changed by experiences and my last year has been a full one. The challenge is that the people around us don't seem to change. To them, I am still the same Portia who is there to handle all of their problems and no matter how busy I am, I will drop everything and answer their calls - how do I do this? how do I fix this? Family is the worst for this.
Perhaps if there was some reciprocity, I would not feel so used. But they don't find me when they all go out and have fun, but they sure don't lose my number when they want something.
These past couple of weeks, work has been incredibly busy so I did not get back to them as quick as they liked - how angry and snarky they were at me!
I think a big reason why I still miss Skippy is because we were there for each other. Favours did not matter, because we had a mutual relationship. And I miss that. Having someone on my side. Trusting someone to be on my side.
Even Skippy has disappeared again, not a peep and its been at least three weeks. Nothing from our mutual friend either which is quite out of character for her. It feels like she has taken a side. I recognize that I might be projecting, but that is what it feels like.
MizJ said on her thread that she was working toward other relationships and fostering other friendships. My goal is to do the same. I tend to be a homebody and need my solitary time, but it is time to branch out. To once again enjoy relationships that are mutual. Because I am beginning to realize that people cannot keep taking, taking and taking. I feel like I am depleting bit by bit.
Sorry for the downer post; I should not have skipped my coffee this morning.
