Back home, having a very hard time!!!

[JuneReN]

Indigo

Everyone gets to their own place at their own time. You will know when you are ready it really, truly is an unmistakable feeling.

So take all the advice, do what you have to do and let go when you are ready. Only you will know when.

GAL, 180, etc is to prepare you for the day that you let go, with love, and allow W to be the person she needs to be. With or without you.

Until that time, unfortunately, you will be doing the world wide exclusive tour of all the most terrifying roller coasters. Been there, got the tickets

It's okay to say I'm not ready. It's okay to say I am scared and don't know what my life will look like. It's okay to want Plan A.

The thing you forget is we have all stood, emotionally where you are and have nothing but empathy for you. We are also far removed and maybe see some things you don't.

I finally defined a boundary to H, he freaked out. End result is it made him look at what he wanted and how he needed to go forward, but I was fine if it was without me because that isn't my journey. is it?

I know what you are moving towards and so do you. As I said, this is your timeline.

[Lostforwords]

So you are getting the chance....So the question I have, is how are you going to make the most out of it?

I can tell you....doing things, quickly, rashly, and in other words without 100% commitment to what you want to achieve will get you nowhere.

Breathe....get ahold of yourself....then be the best you can be.

[Ambivalent]

Indigo,

This does not surprise me. She was dealing with Thanksgiving and Christmas, the tug of a " happy family ", wanting one thing and confused about another. Trying to understand all the "why's" is a game of whack a mole. She doesn't know, and it makes no difference.

Detaching is for YOU! YOU are not detached. It is more difficult to do this under the same roof, because you see everything now. You say you are different, you are a new husband, yet I see the same guy. You may be controlling yourself more, but underneath you are still dealing with control issues, expectations, and a boat load of judgment.

She is on an endorphin high. NOBODY texts like they do without some sort of hormonal high going on! She felt the need to change his name on her phone. He is not fully vested in his relationship with his wife. Neither of them are fully invested. She isn't in you, and he isn't in his marriage. So let's just call it what it is, an ongoing affair. Whether emotional or physical, it matters not. It is what it is.

Now that that's out of the way. What are YOU going to do to stop YOUR obsessing about her, him , and your present state of marriage?

I have asked you in the past about reading... What have you read? What are your goals? What are YOU YOU YOU going to do about YOU? You are at the beginning of a VERY long journey, and if YOU don't start working on YOU, you will implode.

You were going to the gym, are you still? How about your daughter? Have you signed her up for any daughter and daddy classes? Even the local Library's have book reading nights that are free. Have you scheduled any counseling sessions for you? I ask this last one because YOU need it. You need it to work on your personal issues. You went home with a boat load of expectations, and now you've been kicked in the teeth with the reality of hopes dashed.

You are under the same roof and DBing is going to be ten times more difficult, for you are under a microscope as well. Indigo, until you can let go, detach, you will feel all the same feelings you were going through in the beginning.

What does letting go really feel like? For me it was as if a switch was flipped. Click. I don't feel the need to question anymore. I don't know what he's doing , why, when, how or where. It makes no difference. I don't care. If he gets through the tunnel he does, if he doesn't he doesn't . It has NOTHING to do with me, my behavior, my goals, my future.

I made a choice to drop the rope, it is SO liberating. I am protecting myself, not filing for divorce but leading my life without obsession of "what if?", " why does he?" " when will?", etcetera. You have some serious decisions to make about you and your daughter. Remember goal setting? What are your daily goals?


What are your weekly goals? The focus needs to be on you. You need to learn more about you before you can even hope to work on your "new" marriage. But don't forget, your marriage has another member in it, that you don't want...OM. Until this "friendship" is dealt with, there will be no "new" marriage. So , if he is just a friend... have you thought about having your wife invite him over for dinner? Invite them as a couple? Because friends do these things.

She will squirm at that one, because it is calling her bluff. Right now you are in the exact same place as before, just under the same roof. Beginner's mind. She is in full bloody replay, and this could take years.

So get off of your butt, and work on you. She's going to do what she's going to do. You either deal with it , detach and observe, or ride the ride. Presently you are in a car behind her.

It's up to you , you can obsess about every text, every word or action, or you can put the focus back on your health, your issues and the relationship with daughter. Love her and be the best father you can be. Read parenting books, read the titles I gave you in the past posts. Work on your issues, challenges, goals, and life.

[Lostforwords]

Indigo,

I really like AMb's post above.....I really like the couple dinner idea though in your current state that might be difficult.

One thing I will ask you to notice....You have a lot of true tested DB warriors posting to you. Look at how they write and journal themselves....You might notice we mainly talk about ourselves (narcissistic right LOL)and more mention our spouses (in whatever form they currently are) very little. That is where you need to get....You need to live for yourself and not for your wife. Make it so you are the best Indigo possible and the wife can join in if she wants.

[Lostforwords]

Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will.

George Bernard Shaw

[willbwell]

indigo, I am with you. We've got to change our focus as LFW says.
More focus on me and kids , less on WAS. we can still have compassion, kindness, but I know I want to lose the obsession, the wondering.
Lets get there!

[ForeverYoung]

Indigo, if you decide to do the dinner with W and OM thing, let me know. I have a few fighting moves I can show you that I'm afraid you might end up needing!

[ericmsant2]

Indigo
I just caught up with your thread…..
You are receiving a lot of good advice but I wanted to mention a couple of things to you….

I was a crappy H to her and honestly shouldn't be getting this chance.

It takes two to make and break a marriage! Own your piece and that is it. Living this nightmare a lot of time we are made to feel like EVERYTHING wrong in the M was OUR fault. So we doubt ourselves, we take on the burden of the entire failure on our back, we get depressed, we get FEARFUL, we loose as LFW would say…”our center”. Now I am not saying that you did not make mistakes – NOPE – chances are you F*cked up just like EVERYONE else. We all mess up, we all make mistakes. As Brooklyn would say….you did the best you KNEW how to at the time. So do yourselve a favor and FORGIVE yourself.
So once you can really begin to forgive yourself you can hopefully look at things a bit more objectively.
I have been where you are….chit…I lived with IT for over 2 years! It isn’t easy. Honestly, I would not do it again.
No one here can tell you what to do. We are not YOU.
YOU have to do what you think you need to do for you and your family.
I’ll leave you with these thoughts….oh…and FTR, I do like most of what Amivalent said.

I'm just having a hard time getting the courage to do it.

This quote…..is interesting. I totally get it. I lived it. Here is the thing…..IMO, until you fully DETACH you will not have the “courage” to say anything. Personally, I think with a lot of people you never really have the courage until AFTER you confront. It almost like you need to take a step back in order to take a step forward.
In terms of your specific situation…I really liked LFW, original idea….set a time table for yourself (althought that is really hard to do)…and if it does not stope. I would confront. At the end of the day…two wrongs do not make a right. You can confront and not be an ass. It is possible. Sitting back and acting like nothing is going on and giving her the space to continue – does not always bode well for the LBS.
Whatever you decide to do….DETACHMENT is key as it the looking inside yourself.
Good luck

[indigo1]

The whole dinner thing with OM and his W has me cracking up. That will never happen, but you guys make a good point with that one. I have been really sick over the last couple days unfortunately and have not left the house. W has been home as well due to the bad weather we had here. It has been nice to be together this much. I know she has not been texting OM hardly at all over the last four days as I have been around her to see.

W made the comment last night how I am such a good husband. That she wished I was like this in the past. I simply said that the past is gone and I cannot change what happend, but I can be a better man from here on. I thanked her for the remark and she gave me a kiss.

Right now I am focusing on being the way I want to be. Itl be a little easier if I ever get rid of what ever sickness I have. I'll keep posting from time to time when I can, haven't felt like doing much of anything the last few days.

[Lostforwords]

Indigo,

If you want to change the world, start with yourself.

It sounds cliche, but it is very very true.