New to This - An English Man In Trouble

[Hadlee58]

Thanks AS, i can see the logic in it i just find it difficult to implement Something for me to work on though.
Things have pretty much continued this week with out much interaction which is ok with me. My wife has done some small talk on kids issues which i have listened to and replied, but strayed away from any converstaions on any level, i think you are right us LBS's also need time out, i have just kept busy and maintaining my PMA. I am pretty sure things will come to ahead fairly soon so its an ideal opportunity for me to get back to validating. I dont feel inclined to want to clear the air which normally in my fixer mode i would have done. I also havent even once been inclined to check her facebook page to see how wonderful she is doing so i must be doing something right!
I had a sleepless night earlier in the week but that was down to running 6 miles after 9pm must try to get out earlier in future

Thanks H

[Hadlee58]

Quick Update after the weekend:
My wife pulled me to one side on friday night for a bit of a heart to heart, she didnt tell me anything she hasnt said before and started off with the usual WAS 'spew', i validated my little socks off and she seemed to have calmed down by the end.
In essence - she has now admitted that she hasnt tried to work on things for the last 6-8 months and doesnt know how but that if she wanted to she would have to do something different and not just cling to the idea that it will get better in time, all she sees is everyone else happy and thats all she wants. She can still see all the bad (not so much of the good) and worries that it will just go back to how it was.
I basically kept my answers short as i didnt want to take over the conversation and replied that it must be tough on her and i am sure she will be able to come up with a solution to make herself happy, how difficult all the bad times must have been for her and only she can decide what the future holds for her.
She ended the conversation with that she wants to decide in the next couple of days what she is going to do one way or the other.
She has been down with the flu all weekend which has been tough on her, i have done my best to make sure she is ok and well looked after without going into my fixer mode and made sure i had plenty of time for me too.

Not a bad weekend in some ways and you know i feel great

[AnotherStander]

all she sees is everyone else happy and thats all she wants.

Ha! I remember when I was going through the post-BD trauma, going to lunch with my boss and thinking how nice it must be to have a great M like him with no worries in the world. Both girls grown and married, house paid for, cars paid for, W already through menopause, 3 Mexico vacations a year, etc. etc. 39 glorious years they've had. Then he got BD'd last week. When you really start talking to people you find out that very few of them are happy. It's amazing how many marriages are just barely scraping by, just waiting for one of the other to BD. A happy marriage takes LOTS of WORK by BOTH parties, and it almost never happens.

[Hadlee58]

Isnt that the truth! I remember once (before i found this website) telling my wife that our relationship was no different than most and that i betted if you could be a fly on the wall in all the houses on our street you wouldnt see much better or different (there will always be extremes either way). One of my friends who we all thought his marriage was so strong went through a minor rough patch and he decided on boxing day (two years ago) to head to Bangkok for two weeks alone, not many marriages can come back from that and his didnt!!!
I did read about your bosses story on your thread and he is lucky to have you in his corner, hopefully he can get it sorted.

[Hadlee58]

Just Journalling:

Keeping on this week doing my own thing, i have found some new gears at work which is helping me keep busy and making me feel alive and positive. W and i havent had any major discussions this week i have kept pretty much to myself (busy and happy). She has been off work for a couple of days sick and i so want to help her feel better but have tried to distance myself from it (hard to do!). I certainly havent done nothing but as we say looked out for her as a friend (made dinners, washing, sorted the kids out etc). Its funny whilst the kids are awake we all really seem to get along and laugh and joke but once they have gone to bed the atmosphere really changes, who cares i am deep into a Clive Cussler and then running
She is back to full fitness today and gone back to work, i did send her a positive text this morning wishing her well and to try to take it easy today, she replied that she hopes so and that she feels like she had done a day already with putting washing out before work, probably a dig at me and i so wanted to say i know the feeling when she leaves for work early and i get left with it but i bit my tongue and didnt respond
I am guessing she still hasnt decided what she wants to do yet (She said she would decide in a day or so) but has mentioned going to Chinese new year in the city with the kids together, strange! Maybe i'm not invited ha!
I had taken the kids round to see my parents at the weekend and whilst they were overjoyed to see the kids they were pretty frosty with me and even made a couple of digs about W and i playing happy families whilst they are suffering, i didnt rise to this but this morning i emailed my dad saying i could do with feeling some support from them rather than the coldness and leave me to sort this out in my own time, i said i would call tonight to clear the air where my aim is to let them know i understand they are hurting too but i am slap bang in the middle and need time and space to sort out myself - hopefully it goes well and thats one less thing to worry over.
Its my wifes birthday this weekend which at this moment is a worry how i handle this, for now i am getting some things for her from the kids ( i had them pick out some photos for a desk calender i did online) and something small and thoughtful from me but anything can happen between now and Sunday.

Cheers H

[Hadlee58]

Just a quick update:

The weekend didn't go too well as i probably could have expected and it now looks like we have finally hit the end of the road.
We had a nice night on Friday and got a takeaway for tea and had a good laugh. Saturday started ok, my son and i went and fixed my wife's tyres on her car that had a slow puncture. She informed me that my daughter has been asked over to one of her friends this week which sounds great i thought it would be an ideal opportunity to see if we can restart my parents picking them up from school again but she pulled back and refused.
This blew up and apparently i am too interested in my parents welfare then my wife and kids and they have too much of a hold over what we have done over the years. She told me she cant do this any more and that she was going to go out with the kids for her birthday and i was to have no part in it. I tried to validate as best i could.
On Sunday (her birthday) the kids gave her all her presents and we made her breakfast in bed, she then took them over to her mums for a couple of hours. On her return she indicated that she was going to go out for the afternoon and i was welcome to come a

[Hadlee58]

IT seems like part of my post is missing....
Before we went out she told me that she dosesnt love me anymore and that it is what is causing her unhappiness all round and also that its not fair on any of us to continue. I did my best to validate but the wind was severely taken out of my sails. She also indicated that my parents have too much of a hold on me and our family.
We did go out for dinner and a few times i started to lose it, i find it so hard looking at our kids knowing what we are about to put them through, she did notice but i quickly regained my composure.
I guess i am going to take a couple of days to let this sink in and then get back to working on me, DB seems a million miles away today

Thanks for reading and also thanks for all the support these last 8 months or so.

H

[AnotherStander]

I know it's rough, but you've been at the DB'ing a while and I'm confident you'll bounce back quickly. Just remember that even though it's been 8 months you STILL can't believe anything she says and only half of what she does. That was only how she felt at that moment in time, who knows how she'll feel in a week or month or year.

We really don't get just the one BD, our sitches are filled with multiple BD's. First the big one, then smaller ones regarding separation, threats of D, D paperwork, division of assets, etc. etc. As time goes on we get more resilient and bounce back from the smaller BD's faster. You can do this!

[Hadlee58]

Thanks AS, i really needed that reply it was a great pick me up
Feeling alot more positive today as you say its time to pick myself up and bounce back again. I can really see how over the last few weeks i have tried to make everyone happy except for myself, time for that to stop and start concentrating on me for a change. My wife over the weekend mentioned a few things about my parents that have really struck a cord with me, i do think in these last few weeks they have tried to make it all about them and how they have been wronged regarding the kids and pick up duties. The more i think about it i did let them steer me down a path i didnt want to go or would help. With my daughter and her sleeping/clingy issues that she has at the moment i should have backed my wife 110% regarding her desire to batten down the hatches and want to make sure she we picked her up and monitored her for the time being, they have no god given right to pick them up (no one else in our family has made a deal of this) and as much as i know it hurts them they should have seen the bigger picture but to me it seems they were intent on making it a massive deal, disappointing. My wife had had a text from my father saying he wished things were better and they sorely miss seeing the kids, the more i think about this no one has stopped them seeing them they can/and could have come around to our home to see them as often as they like, instead they opted to wait for me to bring the kids to them on Saturday for an hour or so and then complain that they dont see them, puzzling.
This has resulted in a tail spin where their pressure has forced my wife to back away even more, they feel more and more wronged and on it has gone - i as usual just ended up playing piggy in the middle and helping no one least myself, time to 180 this!
I still agree that even without this happening it was a ticking time bomb so i do have some solace in that, like you say there has been many 'mini' BD's along the road and this is another i have to dust myself of and stand tall and proud.

I have my BD anthem song on full blast today, always a great pick me up Rascal Flatts - Changed, if anyone is interested

Thanks AS - H

[Hadlee58]

Well a quick update:

Its been a challenging week with some good and some bad. Picking up on the good points i visited my parents and spoke to them about how i have been feeling since Xmas and that they have only added to my pressure, my father was a little agitated to start with but by the time i had finished i think he had relaxed more (i dont think he is used to not being the one calling the shots). When i left i felt great and gave myself a pat on the back. He later called and offered to call round to see us all (wife included) and clear the air saying that he would do whatever was right for me. This happened and it went well both from my wife and my parents, i think we were both glad to have cleared that up.
My wife is still intent on leaving and wanted to discuss the finer details on Sunday - she started with the usual speel about how bad it has been for her over the years and how unhappy she is and how it is all down to our relationship, ending this can be the only way for her to be happy again. I validated her feelings well which seemed to diffuse the situation. She had told me at lunch on Sunday upstairs that she was going to start looking for somewhere to rent, i replied that if that is what she wants to do i wont stop her or try to talk her into staying. She used this later on in our conversation (that evening) to say that its the only option as due to my earlier comments that clearly i have given up too.I took the kids to my parents for a few hours over the weekend and she said that she didnt even get an invite, i would have loved her to go but in that she hasnt wanted to come any other time this year and had just told me that we were finished i didnt think it was appropriate. Maybe i didnt do too well from there as i replied that i have not and will not ever give up on fighting for our marriage and future. She indicated that she has seen the changes in me over the last 8 months and how difficult it must have been for me to live with her and her mood swings and unhappiness however that isnt enough and there isnt any love there to make it worth fighting for, thats how it ended. It took some mighty strength from me not to throw my DB techniques in the bin and go back to trying to rationalise with her. It seems my efforts of concentrating on me for a change have been a green light for her to assume that i too have given up.
That said i know i havent and maybe we do need the time apart to see things differently, its difficult staying in the same house and remaining upbeat and not thinking she thinks this is me given up on her, we are still sharing the same bed and have great conversations with and around the kids its just once they are asleep that things become frosty.
I guess i am after any advice on whether i should be doing things differently, its clear she is looking for somewhere else to live, my take is that she has checked out now and no matter what i do will come across as wrong. I am fully behind the DB principles its just when i look in my kids eyes that i start to get the wobbles and doubt what i am doing.

Thanks for listening and any advice H