Back home, having a very hard time!!!

[Ambivalent]

Indigo,

This does not surprise me. She was dealing with Thanksgiving and Christmas, the tug of a " happy family ", wanting one thing and confused about another. Trying to understand all the "why's" is a game of whack a mole. She doesn't know, and it makes no difference.

Detaching is for YOU! YOU are not detached. It is more difficult to do this under the same roof, because you see everything now. You say you are different, you are a new husband, yet I see the same guy. You may be controlling yourself more, but underneath you are still dealing with control issues, expectations, and a boat load of judgment.

She is on an endorphin high. NOBODY texts like they do without some sort of hormonal high going on! She felt the need to change his name on her phone. He is not fully vested in his relationship with his wife. Neither of them are fully invested. She isn't in you, and he isn't in his marriage. So let's just call it what it is, an ongoing affair. Whether emotional or physical, it matters not. It is what it is.

Now that that's out of the way. What are YOU going to do to stop YOUR obsessing about her, him , and your present state of marriage?

I have asked you in the past about reading... What have you read? What are your goals? What are YOU YOU YOU going to do about YOU? You are at the beginning of a VERY long journey, and if YOU don't start working on YOU, you will implode.

You were going to the gym, are you still? How about your daughter? Have you signed her up for any daughter and daddy classes? Even the local Library's have book reading nights that are free. Have you scheduled any counseling sessions for you? I ask this last one because YOU need it. You need it to work on your personal issues. You went home with a boat load of expectations, and now you've been kicked in the teeth with the reality of hopes dashed.

You are under the same roof and DBing is going to be ten times more difficult, for you are under a microscope as well. Indigo, until you can let go, detach, you will feel all the same feelings you were going through in the beginning.

What does letting go really feel like? For me it was as if a switch was flipped. Click. I don't feel the need to question anymore. I don't know what he's doing , why, when, how or where. It makes no difference. I don't care. If he gets through the tunnel he does, if he doesn't he doesn't . It has NOTHING to do with me, my behavior, my goals, my future.

I made a choice to drop the rope, it is SO liberating. I am protecting myself, not filing for divorce but leading my life without obsession of "what if?", " why does he?" " when will?", etcetera. You have some serious decisions to make about you and your daughter. Remember goal setting? What are your daily goals?


What are your weekly goals? The focus needs to be on you. You need to learn more about you before you can even hope to work on your "new" marriage. But don't forget, your marriage has another member in it, that you don't want...OM. Until this "friendship" is dealt with, there will be no "new" marriage. So , if he is just a friend... have you thought about having your wife invite him over for dinner? Invite them as a couple? Because friends do these things.

She will squirm at that one, because it is calling her bluff. Right now you are in the exact same place as before, just under the same roof. Beginner's mind. She is in full bloody replay, and this could take years.

So get off of your butt, and work on you. She's going to do what she's going to do. You either deal with it , detach and observe, or ride the ride. Presently you are in a car behind her.

It's up to you , you can obsess about every text, every word or action, or you can put the focus back on your health, your issues and the relationship with daughter. Love her and be the best father you can be. Read parenting books, read the titles I gave you in the past posts. Work on your issues, challenges, goals, and life.