Starting to get it

[mustardseed]

Thank you for your post, Mimi. I don't think C would be an option for a long time 1) because we can't afford it 2) because he doesn't want to.

When he told me that he didn't want to S he said it as if I should have already known that he changed his mind about that, even though he never said anything about it. When he said he loved me he said, "This doesn't mean things are fixed and I don't want you to change just because I told you what bothered me about you". In the past those comments would have infuriated me because they are so confusing. Now I have a list of things he hates about me, and specific instructions to not change those things. Then a statement about how he will also not do anything differently. Not very promising.

I think that his point is that he doesn't want me trying too hard, and he doesn't want me to expect anything from him. Doesn't sound very promising on the surface, but if I untangle his crude messages I think he is pretty much giving me the same advice you and all of the other wonderful DBers stand behind. He doesn't trust words, and he feels they are forced. I need the words--he really doesn't get it. So for him things happening naturally means that R is never talked about but just starts to feel right again. I need words, but right now I can't push that. So I will continue to DB with my GAL and my 180s, and I will continue to try to build a connection without talking about the R. And I will continue to keep a PMA, especially when he is in a foul mood. And I will not let my anxieties infect our interactions. I need to have a money talk with him, but I need to wait until I feel like I can be positive about it and not let it become a stressful conversation. I don't want to go back to our bad money habits (not ok with me at all), but I also know that why I was doing to fix the situation drove a huge wedge between us. Somehow I need to figure out how to inspire him to want to work on this together.