Reaching out for support and advice 2

[juliegayle]

(((Blues)))

Melissa is right. Your life is not swirling down the toilet but I am sure it feels like it right now.

A few weeks ago you said you had created a life that had little to do with your h. That life is still there.

Take time to feel all the sadness that goes with this new development. You don't have to jump to make any moves. You have already done some of the business stuff (consulted L and talked to realtor) so hopefully that part won't be so overwhelming.

Come here and talk through your feelings. I have been looking for your updates. I am sorry if happened like this.

[paul19510]

H told me he wants 'out' tonight. Meaning Divorce even though he can't even say the words. He was emotional and upset. He says all of my changes show with my relationships with others, but I still treat him badly and that's never going to change. Ugh!

He still has awful things to say about me and never misses a chance to put me down. He asked for a written list of our finances etc.

My life is swirling down the toilet.

((((blues)))) its going to be OK. And we are here for you. One a good note, you have some clarity and are no longer in limbo. that's not much but its a start. I hope you can rest. I am very sorry. Keep writing. We're here to listen

[bluesgal]

We are having friends over on Saturday and then going to a superbowl party at friends on Sunday. What am I supposed to say/do. H insists we don't say anything to anyone until we have some things figured out. Oh jeez, on his timeline, that'll be forever. I know if I don't bring things up that he'll sit on this for months more with no movement. I literally just sit here as he lives his double life. Oh well, what do I have to lose now except more time. But, every minute we can grab as a family that we have left will be best for the kids. Gosh my heart breaks for them.

We just got done watching a family movie together. Everything just hurts so much more now.

[melissag]

Blues . . . it is not easy! We went on a 5-day family vacation (with friends who didn't know) a week after BD. While on one hand, it was nice to have family time (even though it was BS, I kind of pretended to myself it wasn't), it was also very difficult to pretend like my world wasn't falling apart. There were a few times that I had to excuse myself to the restroom to go cry for 3 minutes (or as long as I reasonably could without having to say I had explosive diarrhea) and then get myself together again.

If I were you, honestly, I would still be holding on to hope. Your H is saying he is done, but lots of WASs say that at some point. If he does nothing about it, then yes, you are in limbo, which s.u.c.ks, but less so than moving forward with D, IMO.

I think the fact that your H is still doing things with you and friends, and having family time, could be a good sign. It could also mean nothing, as it did for me in the six weeks that H was still living with us after BD. But who knows.

Hang in there.

[labug]

Hey ((blues)), I'm so sorry. It's never easy even when you know the scale is already tipped that direction.

Julie had a very important point, you have already created a happier life without him. Don't let this drag you down too much.

Do you want to go to the party, etc with him? This is a time for you to find your voice. You can respect your needs and still be respectful, honest, and show compassion.

I know if I don't bring things up that he'll sit on this for months more with no movement

He can ask for your help if he needs it.

If you want to move things along you can do that.

[3boymom]

Blues ... I am so sorry to hear the update. This is an impossible situation. Remember that most of it is just script, even though it still hurts just the same. My guess is that your H will not jump on anything and will simply continue to throw out the threat of a D to keep his control. You are strong and in a much better place that you were months ago. Make sure that you are doing activities because you want to do them for you!

[bluesgal]

Today I thought about my life and for the first time I felt like I was going to be ok. Not just a quick thought, then fear. But, the real deal. I will be ok. My kids will be ok.

My H is in a darker place than I could have ever imagined. Today he has been sleeping. All day. He claims he's sick. The kids were home from school due to cold temps and D15 was stressed out b/c S6 had only eaten potato chips all day and played video games while H slept. D15 cleaned the entire house and shoveled all of the snow (a lot). H never told her he wasn't feeling well. He never cared for the kids today at all. All of us have been sick this month. Nobody was so sick they could not communicate. He is functioning on such a minimal level. It's either sleep or anger.

There are so many times I catch myself thinking we'd be better off without him. I don't like the person he's become.

[juliegayle]

You will be ok. So will I. I'm happy that you are in a place you can acknowledge that.

Sounds like you raised a mature and responsible teen. WOW! My step kids would never do all that without being asked. And I think they are good kids so you should be really proud.

As for your H. It doesn't sound like there is much for you to like right now. What ever is going on with him isn't your problem. He has to deal with it or continue to not deal. His life.

Btw are you still doing the weight loss challenge at work? I have to find some inspiration. My go to comfort foods have been getting to much play.

[bluesgal]

Hey Julie-Yes, still doing the weight loss challenge...and winning so far. Haven't even exercised due to being sick and my plate so full with working and ALL the house and kid responsibilties (sound familiar?) Stress makes me lose my appetite very easily and then the weight comes off. I wouldn't recommend this problem to anyone.

I'd much rather go the trusty diet/exercise route and have my family in tact.

My H continues to spew anger and lie/disrespect. He came home after work and acted completely fine-even nice. Helped the kids with homework, played with them, helped unclog a sink, then announced he was off to poker night with the guys and became completely rude and cold. He sped off in his truck (I don't know why) and ended up getting stuck at the end of the driveway. He came back up to the house angry and throwing things around in the garage. He's out shoveling the truck out as I write this. He is acting like a tantruming child and is truly proving to be a jekyll/hyde. I really don't know how much longer I can stay under the same roof. The stress is immense.

It is so hard to detach when you share the same household and are treated terribly every day.

[juliegayle]

Agreed about how hard to detach when in same house. My H is the same (As you know). His good streak ended tonight. He was just stomping and screaming and throwing stuff and yelling at me because he couldn't find his glasses. I knew exactly where they were- right on the floor where he fell off the chair and passed out. I got them for him just to shut him up.

Ughh hopefully we can both "let it go" and get some sleep. I really need to try since S will be up in 6 hours.