Starting to get it

[mustardseed]

I think I am underestimating how hard this part of the journey is. My divorce is busted but my marriage is still not saved, if that makes any sense. Slipping into the same patterns is just so easy. And the fact that D was taken off the table so quickly after it was first put on doesn't help. I haven't had enough time to make my changes permanent and now that the urgency is gone I have lost sight of the fact that those changes I made weren't just to get his attention and make him feel happier about sharing a home with me, but also to make me happier and just an all around better me.

I went back and read through both of my threads to remind me of the changes and the process, and yes--even the pain--because I need to remember that that is a place I don't ever want to be again. However, recent weeks I feel I have slipped back into avoidance mode. I have once again started taking on his moods as a personal slight and as a result I have been avoiding him and not being available to him.

Being available but not needy or pushy about it. Sometimes I get it right, but those times are outnumbered by the times I get it wrong. One day it is too much and I can tell by his body language that he can't get away fast enough, other days I make sure I don't suffer rejection by making sure I am nowhere near him. After rereading I remembered how having PMA was the key to successfully shielding myself from his moods, but also still being connected and with him. In addition, that book about connecting without talking had some good tips about "jumping in the puddle" which is actually experiencing your partner's feelings with him but not really taking responsibility for those feelings. It is all about empathy. I need to let go of my insecurities to be able to successfully do that with him, though.

"We're not broken, just bent" I truly believe that now. I can fix this, but it will take so much time and effort. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who is trying and I get resentful. But I need to remember that he wants this to work, but he wants things to happen slowly, and the more I try to push for things to happen quickly the more harm I will do. So less pushing for closeness and more PMA. Less trying to get him to share what he is thinking and feeling for the sake of my own needs, and more listening and validating and being available for when he is ready to share on his own.

*sigh* I am so grateful to be in the position right now, but it certainly is hard work, isn't it? I guess that is the point. Happily ever after is totally real and possible, but that doesn't mean that it is magical. It is a commitment that you have to make every day to yourself and your partner. And some days are easier than others.