How does everyone feel about tapping into their spouses email and such? You can certainly get at least the 'truth' that way, but do you compromise yourself in the process?
The 'need to know wtf is going on' is strong, but i have done the spying thing in the past and it gnaws at my soul/becomes obsessive....
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Don't do it. Take it from me. I have had a big problem with spying/snooping and nothing good has ever come of it. I mean it NOTHING. If you must, assume the worst. Better yet- try not to even worry about it and worry about yourself.
As sandi told me in my thread, snooping can become an obsessive habit that only derails you and puts your focus on your spouse instead of on you. Resist the urge to start.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Well, she is going to have to learn to be the finance girl for herself if this is the route she wants to take. You need to establish through your counsels a valuation date (separtation). That may be difficult legally if you share a bedroom. You will need to put an 'equal' amount into he account to cover bills, costs, children expenses etc. this will save you the nightmare i am living now and litigating over post-separation expenses. Doyou both make the same amount of $? This will become part of the 'business' phase of the break-up. Once one person does not contribute their share it is a bad scene and lawyers feast. Start doing a NFP (Net Family Property) statement. You can find all this on-line relevant to your state or province. Bottom line is, you both must put in same amount. The rest will equalize at settlement (in a perfect world). In mine, I put in over $30k more to cover mortgage, bills, even her BMW payments (in joint names). All to protect from defaulting and protect my credit rating (ironically hers too...some banker). Now I am trying to get that back and is a nightmare. Don't be a doormat and be used. She must contribute the same and you must get that agreed, in writing with counsel along with a valuation date. This could be lengthy and it adds up pal. Don't do her favours of any sort.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Don't do it. Take it from me. I have had a big problem with spying/snooping and nothing good has ever come of it. I mean it NOTHING. If you must, assume the worst. Better yet- try not to even worry about it and worry about yourself.
As sandi told me in my thread, snooping can become an obsessive habit that only derails you and puts your focus on your spouse instead of on you. Resist the urge to start.
I agree. In fact someone had said (maybe it was Sandi that as a WAW she found her H to be at his least attractive when she knew he was snooping/spying...something to thing about. I reverse looked up one number on my phone bill the other night b/c it seemed weird to me. it was NOTHING. I was all stressed out.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
She took my not going to dinner in stride. No big deal.
How do you know that?
When she got back we briefly talked about finances. I had to ask her to put some money into our old joint account because i didn't have enough to pay all the bills. Sounds as if you communicated information to her. iS that something she should have known on her own? Based on prior experiences or what?
We have to sit down and figure out what she is going to pay for and what i am going to pay for. The talk we had briefly about finances she said 'you are turning this into a conversation, you just need to tell me what to pay for because you are the finance guy'.........
So she does not want to have a "conversation" with you. Something about prior communications between you two, is not appealing to her.
Can you think of any reason for that?
Dig deeper.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well 25, I have always been the finance guy and she has rarely ever questioned me about it. So i can see that side of it. She isn't comfortable talking to me right now....she wishes she could be out of the house. She is very frustrated with 'limbo' and that presents itself in agitation around me. I am a constant reminder to her that she is in 'limbo'.
That would lead me to believe that conversations with me are not appealing. She had left open her facebook account the other day (which brought up the subject/question of spying). I failed to resist the temptation to snoop and read two of the messages she has had with her close friends.
In them, they are all mocking me for the changes I am attempting. I have been reading alot of 'self help books' and in an effort to 'gal' got a guitar...something I always wanted to try. So, there isn't apparently much respect towards me and who wants to talk to somone they don't respect? If I was to continue snooping i would warrant that I suppose. But to be the subject of ridicule...now that is painful. Not something I would have ever thought my wife would partake in.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
But the bottom line is, does having this information help you? Was it worth violating her privacy to get? If she finds out have you given her grounds to add to her, 'This is why I can't be with you' list?
Accept that you did it, we all do those kinds of things. Next time let your brain overrule your emotions.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
