Back home, having a very hard time!!!

[Lostforwords]

LMAO....My man Indigo, boy have you brought back memories for me.

You asked a question and I will give you an answer right from your wife's twin sisters mouth (my x). You provide security to her that the other man does not. I would venture to guess (no matter what she has told you) that back in October the OM called things off for a bit to work on his marriage. Hence she went to you begging for you to come back (her security blanket). Hence she has you for security and the OM is there too. For the OM....The "working on the marriage" thing is a ploy that his wife was getting suspicious so he had to chill it for a bit.

As for her current actions towards you....They are to keep you pacified, nothing more.

Yes...I know it [censored]. Your current story matches the last 6 months of my marriage exactly. The real question is what are you going to do? Right now you are whirling in the emotional winds....I suggest calming that wind down a little bit before you do anything. Right no you are reacting to everything and control nothing (including yourself).

Be strong Indigo....You have a choice coming up regretfully.

[indigo1]

First off I am not in denial. I know she is in contact with him and it [censored]. W did not beg me to come back either. As far as a security blanket, her parents would support her if I wasent there. I'm by no means excusing her actions. These are just the facts of the situation. I just don't know why if they are that into each other why not just do it while we were separated. There was nothing stoping them from doing so.

[LoisB]

Indigo,

If you are OK with this situation, then why are you here?

If this betrayal is just a "fact of the situation" as you put it, then what do you hope to achieve by DB-ing?

I'm not judging, I'm asking.

[indigo1]

Absolutely not. And I do not know that there ever was a actual A. W claims there was never more than a hug between them. Will I ever know if there was more? Probably not. This whole situation stinks. Why is it that thru this entire situation since I found this site it has been pounded into me that the MLC does not really know what they are doing. That we are supposed to support them and so on. That they are confused and all this stuff. So why is it different now? I'm the confused one I guess

[indigo1]

I'll stop posting. I love my W and if I get burned lesson learned. I'm going to be them man I want to and should be to her. If I lose out to someone else I guess it wasnt meant to be. Like I've heard over and over on this site. We can't control their actions, but we can control ours. Me acting jealous and mad is not going to make her stop. Me telling her to stop is not going to work either. Itl just make OM a shoulder for her to cry on.

Maybe a month from now I'll decide I can't deal with that and say its me or him. I don't know at this time what I will do. I've only been back home for a month, if she was emotionally connected to him im sure it wouldn't end that quickly. I can see I may be acting like a sucker her, but I'm not ready to make demands at this time. Being back home with my D means too much to me to risk at this time.

[CharlieBrown]

Indigo,

I can hear your frustration with the advice you are being given, but keep in mind that we are all anonymous here and it is a venue where people can tell you what you need to hear but not might want to hear. My experience is that this is a rare gift in life, and in real life, most people will tell you only what you want to hear. You can choose to listen or not.

For what it's worth, I think you might be confusing what everyone is saying. My read on it is:

1. You should focus on being the man you weren't before and being the best father to your D and husband to your W that you can be.
2. Don't snoop and try to avoid "the jealousy blues" as it makes you into a negative person and it sounds like, pretty obsessive. Remember the woman who said the thing she loved most about her husband was how obsessive and controlling he was? Right, neither does anyone else.
3. That if things really are going to work out between you and W, she needs to end it with OM. That doesn't mean you should be heavy handed or approach it angrily. And, it doesn't mean you have to talk to her today. But, my sense is that probably in the next week or two, when the time is right and you can approach it calmly, it would make sense to say something along the lines of "whatever happened before happened before. I am totally committed to being a better man to you and us moving forward together. Are you as well?" If she says yes, then maybe you say "help me to understand how that is possible while you are still engaging with OM?"

And, forget about whether they ML or not, it doesn't matter. My W was obsessed with OM (in here case more of a fantasy, but she did attempt at least to take it further). A close friend of mine had an EA 6 or 7 years ago and he said that it would have been easier to end it had it been about ML. They never did, but the fantasy that he had from their friendship was more powerful than any reality. He ended all contact and went to MC with his W and he said it took a good year for the fantasy to shake loose in his head. The good news is they have a great, and much more honest marriage now than before. It can be done but it takes a mutual commitment and a lot of hard work.

CB

[MrBond]

First off, let me just say that if you don't want to post any longer, that's entirely up to you. I've been here long enough to see MANY situations like yours that ended up with the WAS leave with the OM in the EXACT way that people are warning you about.

What you don't seem to understand is that in cases like this, timing is everything. The issue is that if you just sweep this under the rug, it will build resentment in you regardless of how much you try to ignore it. Sweeping things under the rug doesn't help.

You're doing it out of fear. I get it. But whether it's now or later, if you don't have an HONEST talk with your W you AND your family will not be happy.

Texting that much to someone who isn't your spouse isn't natural. You can reverse that trend right now.

NO one said you had to be a d*ck about it. It's about respect and getting total honesty in your life. Do you feel that you don't deserve respect? Doesn't sound like a good role model for your D.

"Will I ever know if there was more? Probably not."

Why not? Complete honesty will take care of this.

"This whole situation stinks. Why is it that thru this entire situation since I found this site it has been pounded into me that the MLC does not really know what they are doing. That we are supposed to support them and so on. That they are confused and all this stuff. So why is it different now?"

It's not. That's a way for you to understand their POV. HOWEVER, you can help clear the MLC fog sooner by leading her out instead of walking confused in it too.

"If I lose out to someone else I guess it wasnt meant to be."

That's total fantasy BS. There's no such thing as something "meant to be". Good relationships take work and understanding. It's not something you're born into.

"Like I've heard over and over on this site. We can't control their actions, but we can control ours. Me acting jealous and mad is not going to make her stop."

We didn't tell you to be jealous and mad.

"Me telling her to stop is not going to work either. Itl just make OM a shoulder for her to cry on."

You never tried. And any way, there is a way to do it without seeming like you're "demanding". In any event, look at the amount of calls to each other. Sorry to say it but he's already her shoulder. Wouldn't you rather have her text YOU that much? There's a way to do it.

But if you're not going to post any more, good luck to you.

Maybe a month from now I'll decide I can't deal with that and say its me or him. I don't know at this time what I will do. I've only been back home for a month, if she was emotionally connected to him im sure it wouldn't end that quickly. I can see I may be acting like a sucker her, but I'm not ready to make demands at this time. Being back home with my D means too much to me to risk at this time."

[LoisB]

Indigo,

Before you stomp off the playground, I suggest you think about your ultimate goal.

I think you actually voiced it during your vent.

I can see I may be acting like a sucker her, but I'm not ready to make demands at this time. Being back home with my D means too much to me to risk at this time.

You want to be home. You want to be with your Daughter.

I know you are hurting. I know you are scared. We ALL know how it feels. Really. We've all been there and it's not for the faint-hearted.

Take a step back. Breathe. Identify the goal. You want to save your marriage? You want to live with your daughter full time?

That's where you start. That's a goal.

Now, use the boards to help you reach this goal. You can do this. You too can become a know-it-all, tough cookie like all the rest of us here.

But, you don't have to do anything today. Got it?

Not a thing. Breathe. Hug your daughter. Tell her it's going to be OK because YOU, the grown up, will take care of her. Then, DO THAT.

[Lostforwords]

As G said...emotional security blanket.

Listen to all those posters above....Great great advice.

Breathe....find your center...then breathe again.

You can do this!!!

[indigo1]

First off I want to thank all of you for being straight with me. I know what I need to do thanks to you guys. I kinda have known before hearing it. I'm just having a hard time getting the courage to do it. I know it needs to stop for us to really work on our M. I just need to think things out and find the right time to do this.

I guess I'm still kinda in shock, I thought when she asked me to come home things would be better. I know my W is still trying to trust me and the new man I am being to her. Trying to forgive and forget the things I have done in the past. It can't be easy on her. I was a crappy H to her and honestly shouldn't be getting this chance.

Once again I really appreciate everyone telling me what I need to hear. That's why I love this site and the people on it.