Finding the Strength

[JFun51]

Quick new update. I feel like today is the first day of the rest of my life. I can truly say that I feel renewed with the developments in my life lately. I will be starting my new job within the next month. I will be taking S12 to school every day sharing father/son time. I have never had this active a role in my son's lives. New people to meet, new relationships to create, new everything has given me new direction and purpose.

The living situation in my house with separate rooms is growing on me. I feel like I don't have to walk around worried about the next bomb. I have had constructive talks with both my sons about why Mommy and I are no longer in the same room. They took it well. We both participate in Night time tuck in rituals and all family functions together. I feel like I can breathe in my home again.

I have also stopped doing any of W's laundry. The separate BR's have helped that. Our clothes are separate, so if she wants something clean, she can wash it. Baby steps, I know, but steps nonetheless.

[Lostforwords]

Keep on working Jfun....Through all this you need to take care of yourself. So it sounds like getting out of the lair was needed.

Congrats on the new job.....Onwards to new worlds for you.

[AJM]

Congrats on the new job and the new outlook.

Keep up and even add to the rituals. Rituals will be what is long remembered by the kids for generations to come. Fun stuff to the say the least.

AJ

[JFun51]

Worst argument ever with W last night. Started with a simple discussion about how we were going to divide the bills and separate checking accounts. We've agreed to do this so that we can operate a budget and share responsibility. When we reached a simple, amicable solution very quickly, W began another line of questioning. She went down the road of future plans like she has done time and time again. So I got:

"Whats your plan?"
"What are we doing here?"
"Whats your long term goal in all this?"

As she continued to press and poke, I lost my DB control. I have been harboring great resentment from her last spew. She used my father's personality as an insult during her last series of attacks. I haven't really recovered from that one. Things have been building inside me since that moment and it came out last night. She continued to attack me and press and I just couldn't take it anymore and gave her exactly what she wanted. I engaged her and argued with her. She used our children as a great bargaining chip like she has for 8 months.

"Ill leave and take the children"
"I'm not leaving this house. I don't understand why you stay"
"This isn't a marriage"
and the worst:
"Lets go upstairs right now and ask the kids who they want to live with."

She has continued to use the children as a tool in pushing me away and pushing my buttons for months now. Problem is, I lost it yesterday and spoke to her in a way that I've NEVER spoken to her in 20 years. After being called an a-hole 3 times, I cursed at her. I have never spoken to her that way. I have always kept my emotions under control and not engaged her in arguments throughout our M. So Maybe I've been DBing for a long time. I just reached a breaking point with her continued attacks last night. I feel as though i have given her all the ammunition she will need now when making me the bad guy.

Afterwards, I went to S12, who unfortunately heard everything, and had a good talk. I told him how sorry I was for speaking to his mother that way and made sure he understood that I loved him and would always be here for him. I also made sure he understood that no matter what his mother said to me, I was out of line and had no right to speak to her that way. Then I went to W's door and apologized for speaking to her that way. She tried to engage me again and I walked away.

After 30 minutes or so, W came down to my bedroom, opened the door and proceeded to try to fight with me again. This time I got:

"Ill move out tomorrow if you ever speak to me that way again."
"I'll get the police down here"
"I'll file a restraining order so you can't be around me"-about 4 times I got this threat
"I'll not live like my mama and daddy lived."
"I'll see a lawyer this week if that's what you want."
"You will never talk to me that way again."
"Everybody thinks you are so perfect. They haven't seen this side of you."
"Now that I've seen this, you'll do it again. I know it."
"I never thought you'd talk to me that way."

Very disappointed in myself because all the hard work I've done on myself and detaching and making myself a better person just came tumbling down. I surely didn't show my son how to properly deal with adversity last night.

[LoisB]

J friend, she's been pushing you hard and I get it. You snapped.

Forgive yourself.

The damage control you did with your son was on target.

However, look at it so it doesn't happen again.

This cannot happen again.

How do you handle an irrational person? You don't.

She can and will continue to say lots of stuff about everything and nothing. She's doing what people in crisis do. It's not going to change today.

You fed the beast while your son was listening.

I know you know all this.

So, how do you get better at detaching? You've seized everything else. What do you need to do to prevent this from occurring again?

She can and will say the sky is red, you caused all her problems, your mother wears combat boots, you smell, etc...

What will you do next time?

Lots of love to you. Next time, you will do better. :-)

I know it.

Heather

[JFun51]

I'm feeling like I've reached a breaking point that I cannot recover from. I'm feeling that the beast is winning at this point and I'd be better off getting off this crazy train. She pushed me to a place I never thought I'd go. Mind you, I said ONE curse word to her after being cursed at 3 times. I know we aren't supposed to keep score, but there it is.

I'm so tired of the craziness.

[LoisB]

I'm feeling like I've reached a breaking point that I cannot recover from.

Bull. What, then, for your boys? Not buying it. Get off the pity party bus.

I'm feeling that the beast is winning at this point and I'd be better off getting off this crazy train. She pushed me to a place I never thought I'd go.

Yup, she won last night. You see that you were an active participant by allowing her to push you, right? What else could you have done?

When my students get into a tiff, afterwards, everyone has to answer the question, "What could you have done differently?"

So, J, what could you have done differently?

Mind you, I said ONE curse word to her after being cursed at 3 times. I know we aren't supposed to keep score, but there it is.

Seriously? Come on now. Now, you really do sound like my jr. high boy students. "But, Mrs. B! He told me I was this and he used three obscenities!"

Stop it. You're better than this. Go back a few days and re-read what you posted when you said you felt like this was was the first day of the rest of your life.

You got this. You just had a really bad moment. Now, learn from it.

YOUR BOYS NEED YOU.

I get the sense that this argument scared you. Why?

[AJM]

There really is not much to add to what Heather told you except I will add a little more perspective.

You've been in this slow boil for a very long time. Do as Heather told you and forgive yourself for the outburst. For what it's worth, that's a pretty tame outburst. But be careful that it never becomes physical and try not to let it happen any more.

It sounds more like she wants you to make all the decisions. She waited and then came back and used your guilt against you. Did you see that?

As an outsider - It soooooo looks to me like she is reliving and recreating what she saw as a child. You are the other actor in this representing one of her parents (or both?) Her anger is likely more related to your NOT playing along than it is to being dragged into it. She'll likely be nice and friendly for a bit today. <sigh>

She desperately wants you to be the bad guy so she can be the victim and not feel crazy (she is and should) and she wants you to make the decision because she knows it's not you. Make sense? If it does, run, don't walk to the nearest bar/mental hospital and seek treatment.

Yeah, JF. There is an end. There is an amount you can take before you have more than you can take. You're not there yet.

Forgive yourself. Put it behind you and forget about it. Even if she does bring it up again(she will) let it go. You said what you needed to say, to her and to the kids. You should not have apologized to her IMHO, but you felt like you should and you did. It's over.

Make sure it stays over.

Capice?

AJ

[LoisB]

I'm sick and have some time to ponder. I was pondering about you J.

I have goals on the brain because I've been writing/rewriting mine.

Maybe now is a good time to step back and look at yours? Why are you here? Why are you staying in the house? The marriage? If you can clarify the whys then maybe her assaults won't trip you up as much?

[Mach1]

Man do I miss those good times....


Dude, like I told you a month ago, the more momentum that you gain, the more she is gonna try to take it away from you....

You KNEW that it was coming, and you allowed yourself to get swept up into that vortex.

And yep...it happened..it's over....move forward now.

Chances are, the next time that you interact, she will have forgotten the spew that she laid out there, and she will act as if everything is okay and normal...

Why ??

Because you allowed yourself to be dragged back down to HER level....

MLC is about control, and power. The power shifts back and forth...

You take it back slowly, while she gets it back in a fierce battle (in which you go down in flames quickly)....

Is that who you want to be ???

Stop playing the game buddy...

Move forward from this and focus in what you have already accomplished...

UR has my contact info....next time...use it