Settling in for the long road ahead

[Liberty3]

I came across MLC, and a lot of it seems to fit H.

This fits just about everyone at some point in their life. How would you thinking he's in MLC affect you? What would you do differently?

From what I have read, if they are in MLC, it is basically a case of leaving them alone to work through the crisis on their own. Many things I have read say that any input from the LBS can delay their journey. If it is MLC, then surely having frequent contact (have to for business reasons), me giving him a hug when I see him, occasionally doing 'dates', etc is only delaying the process.

You say your confused, he probably is, too. But the only person you have control of is you.

What changes have you made in you? What are you doing to GAL? What are your goals?

I've made a lot of changes. I used to be very anxiety ridden and agoraphobic. I would rarely go out or leave town. I won't say that I am now cured of the agoraphobia because I believe it is like alcoholism, it will always be there but I will be in charge of it. I now go out a lot more frequently, I've joined a meetup group, started horse riding, flown in aeroplanes (was a huge phobia!), but I also think I am a nicer person to be around. I am more helpful, I try to be more interested in what is going on around me, I'm working on actually saying what I feel rather than just bottling it all up. H says that s3x had always been a problem for us and I have looked into some of the reasons for this too, and I'm working on this too. Some of his complaints have been quite valid and I dearly wish that either he had spoken up more clearly earlier in our marriage, or I had taken notice earlier.

I am beginning to be a bit more assertive. This is actually quite difficult for me, I've always backed down and gone with the flow of things. My D is noticing the difference!

My goals? Immediate one is to participate in a cattle drive in May, three days without a shower, no toilets, sleeping under the stars, all totally out of my comfort zone but I cant wait! Long term goals include finishing the Diploma course that I have recently started (and I'm wondering if I have bitten off more than I an chew!!!), move to a smaller house, get myself a job and do a bit of travelling. I have many small ones to get to in the meantime. I am also trying to become more patient!.

I'm sure you've read about detaching. It's a difficult concept but once you get it, it makes so much sense. Your H's up and down moods don't have to affect you. Another poster wrote this a few days ago and it helped her in working on detaching.

So I can be kind and loving even, but it comes from a place of me being who I want to be, not to try to get kindness and love in return. Giving without any emotional strings attached.

This sums up nicely how I feel about my actions towards H. He has said he doesn't know if I am doing it to 'get him back', but quite honestly it is because I want too. For many years, I thought that men didnt want physical contact 'just because', possibly because of the way I was raised and examples I saw around me.

To be honest, I struggle with detaching. I don't know if it because H and I have frequent contact with the business or if it is just me. Sometimes I think that living in a different town and not seeing him would help (we live in a small town), but it would be extremely difficult for me to move away.

So, be honest in your communication. Interact with empathy and compassion and without expectation.

Thank you for your feedback. It has helped me think, still mightily confused, but that's to be expected I suppose!