There really is not much to add to what Heather told you except I will add a little more perspective.
You've been in this slow boil for a very long time. Do as Heather told you and forgive yourself for the outburst. For what it's worth, that's a pretty tame outburst. But be careful that it never becomes physical and try not to let it happen any more.
It sounds more like she wants you to make all the decisions. She waited and then came back and used your guilt against you. Did you see that?
As an outsider - It soooooo looks to me like she is reliving and recreating what she saw as a child. You are the other actor in this representing one of her parents (or both?) Her anger is likely more related to your NOT playing along than it is to being dragged into it. She'll likely be nice and friendly for a bit today. <sigh>
She desperately wants you to be the bad guy so she can be the victim and not feel crazy (she is and should) and she wants you to make the decision because she knows it's not you. Make sense? If it does, run, don't walk to the nearest bar/mental hospital and seek treatment.
Yeah, JF. There is an end. There is an amount you can take before you have more than you can take. You're not there yet.
Forgive yourself. Put it behind you and forget about it. Even if she does bring it up again(she will) let it go. You said what you needed to say, to her and to the kids. You should not have apologized to her IMHO, but you felt like you should and you did. It's over.
Make sure it stays over.
Capice?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
If it does, run, don't walk to the nearest bar/mental hospital and seek treatment. 