separted six weeks still on the journey - II

[paul19510]

I'm glad she's going to spend more time with her kids.

I was going to post to you a couple of days ago, about your D having to contact you for a ride when Mom bailed.

I don't know why your W couldn't do it, it was probably a good reason.

If you had an agreement with, let's say, the parent of one of your D's friends to share driving the girls to work and the other parent couldn't do it, would you expect the parent to call and make the arrangement?

I would. Your D shouldn't be in the middle of this, she didn't make the arrangements. This is a boundary I would address with W. I know you can't control her actions but you can let her know your needs. "W, if you're unable to take D to school, please call me to make other arrangements. This is our
responsibility, not D's."

bug I agree with you and have set and rest this boundary more than once I the past 6 weeks. She's. Not respecting it.

[paul19510]

Paul, I just caught up on the past few days of your thread. It sounds like you are really doing great.

I am sad for your W that she is missing out on her kid's lives. I imagine that at some point she will regret it. But it's great for you that you are able to spend this time with them, and for them that you are there to help them through this. Be proud of how you are handling everything.

I'm sorry your W ignores you. It kind of makes you wonder why you bother caring about her at all, doesn't it? You just keep on waving, Paul, because whatever she does is her problem.

then I start having the convo in my head about why am I still standing and why don't I just cut it off and keep going.

What would you do differently if you decided to stop standing?

I would likely file for divorce continue my journey of self exploration and improvement. Perhaps look at new friends and relationships in the future. I am interestedto be a H and a father. If W does not want me as a H then let me go. Just thinking outloud.

[paul19510]

M, I feel that I should clarify my last statement to include that additional facts. What's. Happening here in my M is not new. W and I have been on this journey for many years. We just never took it this far. She's. Been distant and cold for a long time now. Not just these past 6 weeks. When I look at all of the changes that would have to occur, it feels like a really long list. And I'm not not saying i will even have the chance...again just letting my thoughts out

[mleigh4]

Hi Paul19510,

I can really relate to your situation. I always look for the little signs, the unexpected contact or unexpected kindness. I do find that these things come upon giving him space and n/c. I guess we just have to look at these situations as hope that what we are doing is working, and as signs of hope for our R. I also wish that if my husband is just being nice for the sake of my son and not for our R, that he would just let me go so I can move on with my life. I also love to be a W and love the companionship that comes with marriage. Hang in there. What I find helps me is that on my good days, when I am feeling strong and confident, I write down my feelings and go back to them on my bad days. It reminds me to love and respect myself, and to remember what a good person I am, even if H can't see that right now. I wish you the best!

[labug]

I'm glad she's going to spend more time with her kids.

I was going to post to you a couple of days ago, about your D having to contact you for a ride when Mom bailed.

I don't know why your W couldn't do it, it was probably a good reason.

If you had an agreement with, let's say, the parent of one of your D's friends to share driving the girls to work and the other parent couldn't do it, would you expect the parent to call and make the arrangement?

I would. Your D shouldn't be in the middle of this, she didn't make the arrangements. This is a boundary I would address with W. I know you can't control her actions but you can let her know your needs. "W, if you're unable to take D to school, please call me to make other arrangements. This is our
responsibility, not D's."

bug I agree with you and have set and rest this boundary more than once I the past 6 weeks. She's. Not respecting it.

How did you phrase it to her? Not that I think you did it "wrong", it would help my understanding.

So what do you think about the fact that she ignores that especially since her D is involved?

How would you describe your W's character?

[paul19510]

I'm glad she's going to spend more time with her kids.

I was going to post to you a couple of days ago, about your D having to contact you for a ride when Mom bailed.

I don't know why your W couldn't do it, it was probably a good reason.

If you had an agreement with, let's say, the parent of one of your D's friends to share driving the girls to work and the other parent couldn't do it, would you expect the parent to call and make the arrangement?

I would. Your D shouldn't be in the middle of this, she didn't make the arrangements. This is a boundary I would address with W. I know you can't control her actions but you can let her know your needs. "W, if you're unable to take D to school, please call me to make other arrangements. This is our
responsibility, not D's."

bug I agree with you and have set and rest this boundary more than once I the past 6 weeks. She's. Not respecting it.

How did you phrase it to her? Not that I think you did it "wrong", it would help my understanding.

So what do you think about the fact that she ignores that especially since her D is involved?

How would you describe your W's character?

Hi Bug! My W is very independent, but also likes to be taken care of. A bit of a puzzle for me. She's always felt left out and is the middle of 3 children. number 1 and number 3 got high honors for their work in sports, school and then in their professional lives. W lived a regular life. By all means its been a good one, but no exceptional stuff per se. She's always felt the weight of that.

the D13 I'm talking about is our middle child. something makes me think she gravitates to that b/c D is the middle one.

I imply said to W, I'd like us to plan, schedule or discuss kid things together and not thru them. if there are changes to schedules for overnights or picks, let's communicate directly. Texts email or voice is fine with me. she's agreed but continues to ignore my request. On one occasion when this happened and she had D13 with her and I was not aware of it, I texted her that I would really appreciate her partnership and would see it as a sign of mutual respect if we could do this. She got really annoyed and said "No ones' disrespecting you, we just forgot to tell you she's with me..."

she seems to dig in her heals. I am offering less resistance so as not to make it more appealing to continue this type of thing.

[paul19510]

journal: Our taxes are coming up and we'e going to owe due to our business. We didn't get to pay al of the quarterly amounts b/c we needed every penny that came in due to the horse stuff.

This separation with all the finances still exactly as they were serves no good for me and my kids. I just wanted more emotional connection and a better R with W. Now we don't have that, we spend more for things b/c we are separate and no one wins. The only person that sort of benefits from the current sitch is W. She doesn't have to hear my points of view about our M, doesn't have to do anything with Family that she doesn't want to and is free to come and go through our home at any time she pleases.

Mortgage rates are favorable and I'm really beginning to wonder if I need to begin to move forward on refinancing her out of the mortgage. I also found a L that is really compassionate and very good at what he does. he offered me a discounted amount to have W and I work together and then have Me pay for a second attorney on W's behalf to look over an agreement. If I could get W to do this, it was save us up to 50% on L fees.

The problem is I really can't tell W I met this guy b/c if I did, I believe she'd bail out for sure. I don't know what the right answer is....

I am beginning to see some communication from W in the last 2 days. Nothing is personal, but its communication. does this mean something or is it meaningless and I'm just reading into it. I don't know what to do to make sure me and kids are in the best place possible.

W is not seeming to make any moves in any direction and appears quite content to live at her parents indefinitely. Part of me wonders why SHE brought up staying here at the house while I go to Niagara with S. I think it was just the convenience of staying closer to the barn for a couple of days knowing that I am out of town.

D16 was kind of mad about W staying here, but I told her, I can't tell mom she can't be here. this is her house too. So, when she told me she was coming to take care of the pets while I was gone and I replied that I already had that covered, and she still insisted to come and stay anyway, it was game over. she's coming....

I certainly do not plan t argue over this due to the fact that this makes it more appealing to W to come and stay here. W often digs in her heals when we argue and will work even harder to prove her side is what's best. I don't need that right now.

One last thing. Should I see positive signs in the fact that she's asking about time in the house with the kids each week? or that she's asking to stay here while I'm gone to take care of things? Or am I just reading into stuff?

I don't know which way to move, but I'm tired of limbo and its getting financially problematic for my family.

[LITB]

Hey Paul,

You were right to see a lawyer. You need to know your rights and take steps to protect yourself and your children.

That last post tells me that you are operating from a place of fear. I once visited that place and had a rather long stay there. Fear of pushing your W further away if you tell her you visited a lawyer. Fear leads to regret.

She might get upset. So what? Not your problem. She will get over it and in time, she will understand why you did it. You might gain some respect from her for standing up for yourself.

It is ultimately your responsibility to make decisions in the best interest of yourself and your children. She isn't doing it and you can't rely on her to do it anytime soon.

As for her communication and staying at your place while you are gone, only time will tell if it is a positive. It could be a positive that she feels comfortable to communicate with you. It could be a negative that she is taking advantage. I'd say not to read too much into it. Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see.

[paul19510]

Hi LTTB. I have a coaching seesionnon Thursday and I have IC tommorrow. I will bring this up. We've. Been struggling for years. This is not the same was W. Completely surprised me with separating. Now I have to figure out what's best. Make sense?

[paul19510]

W confirmed she's coming over tomorrow night for "movie night " with the kids. It's nice to see her take some time with them. I made plans to be out by 530 so they can spend time. I guess that its positive in the sense that she's making an effort to be around them some more.

Not sure how it fits with the overall situation, but, I do believe if I show that I'm just out doing other things and make it into a "no strings attached" experience, it should at least be a positive thing from that point of view. No added pressure attached to coming around the house....