Worst argument ever with W last night. Started with a simple discussion about how we were going to divide the bills and separate checking accounts. We've agreed to do this so that we can operate a budget and share responsibility. When we reached a simple, amicable solution very quickly, W began another line of questioning. She went down the road of future plans like she has done time and time again. So I got:
"Whats your plan?" "What are we doing here?" "Whats your long term goal in all this?"
As she continued to press and poke, I lost my DB control. I have been harboring great resentment from her last spew. She used my father's personality as an insult during her last series of attacks. I haven't really recovered from that one. Things have been building inside me since that moment and it came out last night. She continued to attack me and press and I just couldn't take it anymore and gave her exactly what she wanted. I engaged her and argued with her. She used our children as a great bargaining chip like she has for 8 months.
"Ill leave and take the children" "I'm not leaving this house. I don't understand why you stay" "This isn't a marriage" and the worst: "Lets go upstairs right now and ask the kids who they want to live with."
She has continued to use the children as a tool in pushing me away and pushing my buttons for months now. Problem is, I lost it yesterday and spoke to her in a way that I've NEVER spoken to her in 20 years. After being called an a-hole 3 times, I cursed at her. I have never spoken to her that way. I have always kept my emotions under control and not engaged her in arguments throughout our M. So Maybe I've been DBing for a long time. I just reached a breaking point with her continued attacks last night. I feel as though i have given her all the ammunition she will need now when making me the bad guy.
Afterwards, I went to S12, who unfortunately heard everything, and had a good talk. I told him how sorry I was for speaking to his mother that way and made sure he understood that I loved him and would always be here for him. I also made sure he understood that no matter what his mother said to me, I was out of line and had no right to speak to her that way. Then I went to W's door and apologized for speaking to her that way. She tried to engage me again and I walked away.
After 30 minutes or so, W came down to my bedroom, opened the door and proceeded to try to fight with me again. This time I got:
"Ill move out tomorrow if you ever speak to me that way again." "I'll get the police down here" "I'll file a restraining order so you can't be around me"-about 4 times I got this threat "I'll not live like my mama and daddy lived." "I'll see a lawyer this week if that's what you want." "You will never talk to me that way again." "Everybody thinks you are so perfect. They haven't seen this side of you." "Now that I've seen this, you'll do it again. I know it." "I never thought you'd talk to me that way."
Very disappointed in myself because all the hard work I've done on myself and detaching and making myself a better person just came tumbling down. I surely didn't show my son how to properly deal with adversity last night.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
