This continues to be an interesting, challenging experience.
I'm finding out much more about me and how much I really wanted to control H's emotional temperature. He gives a frustrated sigh and my antennae are up. He doesn't feel well, I want to jump in and advise or caretake. He responds in a way that is not happy, peppy and I'm wondering, "why does he sound unhappy?" (he doesn't actually sound UN-happy, just not cheery)
We visited MIL yesterday, she's 87 and lives alone. H is the only sib who lives here so he does what needs to be done. Yesterday they started getting tax stuff together and I just sat back and observed. MIL has very limited short term memory so she gets easily confused with things out of her daily routine, and steps need to be repeated often. But I kept my seat and allowed H to deal with it. Several times I wanted to say, "maybe it would be easier if..." or "How about trying..."
With the perspective I've gained I'm seeing and understand how controlling and fixing I was. I also see how I brought a lot of my own misery on me by inserting myself in the lives of others and then being stressed by their problems, resentful when they didn't do things the way I thought they should and hurt when they didn't meet my expectation of appreciation.
I guess honest self-reflection is also an ongoing thing.
I had my nose out-of-joint last evening by something I stepped right into. S24 is in Canada. He had a check he needed deposited here so he sent it. I deposited it for him. He also had some CDs he needed there (Rosetta Stone-guess he needs to learn to speak Canadian ) I asked H if he would handle sending the CD. He said he would. He got the customs form completed, that was a process and he grumbled but I stayed out of it.
Somehow, and I don't remember what happened, it didn't get mailed that day or the day after and guess who jumped up and said "Don't worry about it, I'll do it." Yeah, me.
Well, it fell off my priority list and didn't get mailed. So last night S24 msgs me and asks what happened with the check. I was concerned, my anxiety jumps up because I was certain I had deposited it but that was weeks 4 or 5 weeks ago. So I go looking for the deposit receipt and check stub while he checks his account again. Turns out the check was in his acct. (I mention this because it got my anxiety revved) Then S24 asks about the Rosetta Stone...and I wanted to slam H because he hadn't mailed it but really I'm the one who tried to save the day by taking the responsibility from him.
In the whole scheme of things, this isn't huge but I used to do this kind of blame-shifting all the time and I also took way too much responsibility for the kid/household stuff. Our sons don't need a lot at these ages, but they still come to me. It all felt very yucky and too familiar. I sat with H and told him that I recognize I do this to myself by trying to "save" people and I end up driving myself crazy. It also drives those I live with crazy.
I feel better this morning but I did wake up a few times last night with that anxiety. I can work on this and I will.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
) I asked H if he would handle sending the CD. He said he would. He got the customs form completed, that was a process and he grumbled but I stayed out of it. 
