One baby step at a time...

[2ndTimeHurt]

I think I'm gonna hold off a bit on my letter. I don't want her to see me emotional or reactive.

I'm definitely backing way off of this situation after today's fiasco.

She texted that she wanted to take our s3 swimming and that she wanted me to look after him on sat because she has plans(we all know plans means to feel special with om-that makes me wanna puke). I also have plans sat so I knew I needed to figure out a proper way to discuss this with her. I was with a good friend so I didn't respond right away plus I was trying to figure out how to say what I wanted to say. I get home a few hours later. She even called a few times and I didn't respond. I was still planning my words. Finally she texts and asks that I call her. Mind you it's probably only been 3 hours since her initial text. I call her and decide to wing it. Starts off pleasant enough. She says she off work at 7 and to drop s3 off at the pool for 7:30. I say ok. Then she asks why I didn't respond right away. I was stumped. All I could think of was the time she didnt respond to my text about s3 til the next morning(her phone was off for the first time in history-probably because she was with mr. Special) and the many times she waits hours upon hours or doesn't even reply back. So I just said I was mirroring her and didnt want to.... I get cut off and she starts getting really upset. Defending herself like crazy. Saying stuff like "I knew you did this on purpose" and "I didnt respond that one time because my phone was off" and "I always respond right away". I call bs but whatever. The call went on for a while like this. Just random relationship talk which she constantly contradicted. Ie. she said she knew I would change as soon as I found out about om(remember I was at her place the other day acting remarkably normal). I took the bait. I said how do you expect me to feel/act, I lost someone. She says if the roles were reversed she wouldn't be feeling/acting like me. Then a few breaths later tells me I'm not the only one in pain, she lost me too. And also that she is gonna go through the same pain when I meet ms. Special. Let me get this straight... Basically she doesn't get why I feel the way I do, but she does? I swear I'm going crazy.

What has prompted my anger to resurface is the many times she has said the last 7 months didn't matter, pretend like it never happened(she later said she didn't say that or mean that). The many times she has said that its the same thing over and over again, things haven't changed. That comment irks me because I respond that we rarely fought during our 7 month reconciliation(I take great pride in the work I put into myself for 2 years to change my negative behavior-I have successfully diffused many arguments and have become a validating machine). She then brings up something else. I should know better to engage in an argument. I just got to a breaking point when she said this comment, "you're the only person to make me feel like this!". That brought up so many emotions. I felt like such a failure. I was absolutely humiliated when she said that. I wanted to tell her that I won't accept being told these things. I know how f'd up she is though. The comments she makes verify this. Ie. she says I make her feel sh*tty, annoyed, irritated, depressed etc. I tell her I'm tired of making her feel like sh*t when my intentions are good. In her very next breath she'll say "if I'm so sick of you I wouldn't have invited you over for 3 hours the other day". YET she got upset with me because that was 3 hours she could've had alone time with him. YET she was the one who offered me food and invited me up to discuss nursery school options.

YIKES!!! This has to be proof that I need to show her unconditional compassion. Maybe even pity her. I swear she has bpd mixed with bi polar mixed with depression mixed with anxiety mixed with schizophrenia. Ok she's probably not all that but just hurt.

So basically my goal is to figure out when she's about to go crazy and DISENGAGE!!! I fear that disengaging will cause her to lash out so ill have to be prepared to calmly say that I feel myself becoming reactive, can we talk when I'm centered again. Hope this works.


Ill post something I'm grateful for to counter some of my negativity above.

I'm grateful that I have my son the majority of the time. I'm not sure how long this arrangement will last but I'll take it for as long as I can.

Ps. I think I need to update my sig

[2ndTimeHurt]

Oh I forgot to say that she played the martyr and is deciding to stay in on sat. This was after I calmly said lets find a solution. I know there will be resentment on her end. I tried coming up with a solution. I even offered a coin flip to which she replied it was juvenile. Later on I even told her I changed my plans so the option to go out with mr. Special is open. She declined many times. As If I didn't understand after the first time she texted it.

[KarenR]

Hi 2ndTimeHurt,
I am sorry for your difficult situation. I have to say that you are engaging in too many dead end conversations with her. I don't blame you, as you want to talk sense into her, but they do tend to backfire. If you aren't talking to a DB coach, I suggest you do, so that you can get clarity on what is going to bring her closer and what is just going to give you more of the same. Your coach will also help you compose a last resort letter, when the time is right. Take care and I would look forward to talking to you further.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Thanks Karen

I'm so conflicted. Since I've been in counseling(for my anger), I'm finding it very hard to let my anger out without feeling guilt. I'm almost feeling like going back to what I did before. And that's kill her with kindness. Find the compassion to see that she is hurt. Be that happy goofy guy she fell in love with.

I don't for sure know though. It feels like such a betrayal to date so soon and say the 7 month reconciliation didnt happen.

I'm sure ill figure something out. For the time being I'm being dark.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Ok vent time.

I dropped my son off at my ex's tonight. She wanted to talk so she invited me up. I was calm, happy and upbeat. She seemed upset as usual. It seems to me that she can only show vulnerability to me. She wasn't upset with me but other stuff, her mom her job etc. I went into the kitchen to throw something out and what do I see on the f*cking kitchen counter!! A damn flower card from mr. special or captain wonderful or whatever the f*ck his name is.

The one thing that kept me from losing it was this guy has handwriting like a girl and he sounds like a girl. What kind of guy does this.... Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Now I know my ex is going crazy. She was never one for this type of affection but she's eating it up now.

Ok. I'm done ranting.

Maybe I'm not....

I have primary custody of our son. Not legally but it's supposed to be 50/50 but I've had him since Sunday. Am I the only guy here who thinks it's weird that the mother spends less time with her child than the father? If I didnt say I was going out tomorrow id have him tomorrow as well. I know I have the vehicle and I know it's extra difficult to get him to daycare without a vehicle but still. I actually don't mind because I get awesome bonding time with him, but it makes me so sad and I feel guilty that she doesn't spend more time with him.

All I know is this s*cks.

[melissag]

I went into the kitchen to throw something out and what do I see on the f*cking kitchen counter!! A damn flower card from mr. special or captain wonderful or whatever the f*ck his name is.

Ugh. I'm sorry you saw that.

Not to mind read or anything, but is it possible she left it out so you would see it?
That's just what popped into my head. I take it (hope) that you said nothing about it?

What kind of guy does this.... Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

LOL! Haven't they only been dating for like, 3 weeks?

Am I the only guy here who thinks it's weird that the mother spends less time with her child than the father?

I'm not a guy, but I think it's weird. I suppose it's possible that some women just don't have that maternal instinct, but I am guessing she is just going through crisis right now and can't focus on your S. I feel badly for her, honestly, because I think that at some point she is going to regret how much she has missed out on during this time. I get feeling sad, but don't feel guilty - this is clearly not your fault, and it's not something you can fix. Look at it this way, you are lucky that you get to spend so much time with your S. Enjoy it!

All I know is this s*cks.

I don't think anyone here will argue with you on that one.

[2ndTimeHurt]

I'm almost positive she left it out for me to see. Just like AS has stated they revert back to junior high mentality. I kept my mouth shut after I saw that.

They've been dating for 3 weeks but probably only see each other 1 or 2 times a week. Which makes me think this guy is creepy but she's eating it up. I have a good feeling this is gonna blow up in her face but the fear of it turning into something long lasting scares the sh*t out of me. One of these days she's gonna have to confide in him for something. She can't keep bottling it up to explode on me. And when she does that, if this guy has half a brain; he will see all kinds of crazy. I've spent years and lots of history(having a child together), to learn to accept her crazy. At least that's the excuse I tell myself. I really hope one day I can post on my thread that this guy in fact was a creep and that he also sensed her craziness and called her on it and she finally gets that wake up call and realises I actually am a decent guy. Bits and pieces of that happened last time... 3rd time a charm right?!?


There are many reasons why I feel guilty. Some are valid and some are not. Still feels sh*tty though. I am very very very grateful that I get to see my son so much. My brother thinks she suffers from some kind of mild lingering postpartum.


One thing about last night that I regret is she weasled out what my plans are for tonight. So much for being mysterious. I told her I was going to do some electrical work for my friend and that he wanted to take me out. Also that his wife wanted to show me something. I didnt tell her what though. So I guess that's a bit of mystery.

[2ndTimeHurt]

So I had a blast last night with some buddies. During the day I spent about 5 hours doing some electrical work at my friend's house. Then he took me out to dinner with his wife. She wants to do reiki on me. Should be interesting. Then my buddy and I headed out and met up with another friend. Had a great time. I was a super wingman for my friend who has been single for a while and has been in the dumps lately. I picked up some girls for him. He's a shy guy so I had to do most of the work. I'm shy too but sometimes I'll come out of my shell. Anyway, we all went back to his place and stayed up til 8 am. I can't remember the last time I did that. Haha. Let's just say he was a lucky guy. I was a good boy and just entertained the other girl. I felt young again so I guess that's a plus.

Today was a decent enough day. I picked my son up from her place. She needed some help with her tv so I offered to help. We talked a bit about random stuff. I was calm and upbeat considering it kills me knowing she's dating mr. Special. She's been a little more calm around me the last few days and also a little more chatty over texts. Oh ya, she even called yesterday because she was having problems with our son. She said he wanted to see me. So I took that bait and picked them up(she was with her sister that she hasn't seen in over a year because the rest of her family basically disowned her). So much for her not wanting any family time. So back to today... She told me she swallowed her tongue ring just like I did last month. She was having problems getting a new one in so I helped her with that. Very weird that she let me touch her tongue. Ill take that as a positive interaction I guess. Haha.

Anyway, she still seems like her depressed self mixed with happiness and some positive interactions with me.

So that's me acting "as if" I am normal. One day at a time til all the pain and hurt are gone.

[melissag]

2TH, thanks for your kind post on my thread.

It sounds like you are doing well, GALing and acting as if with your W.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other . . . you are doing great.

[2ndTimeHurt]

2TH, thanks for your kind post on my thread.

It sounds like you are doing well, GALing and acting as if with your W.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other . . . you are doing great.

Thanks Melissa. I can't wait for the day where we are all not in this dark place. Sure we has some candles or flashlights, but it would be nice to see daylight. I hope your sitch takes some kind of positive turn soon.

I'm trying my best to act "as if" now. I find that I need to break my plan down into one or 2 or 3 easy to remember steps. There is just so much info that I've covered I feel overwhelmed. Be mr compassion because she is broken, act "as if" im normal, and disengage. A positive is that I'm finding myself validating her almost subconsciously now. I don't really have to think what I'm supposed to say.

Let's see what kind of excitement this week will bring. Haha