Hi M. I am stuck in conferences all day today so I have been reading up on everyones threads to keep myself from falling asleep. We had a great dinner last night and went out to a few bars after. I had hoped to catch up on sleep but my body still thinks I am in the east coast. I woke up at 4 am and have been up since. We are heading out to a fancy dinner tonight with a huge group. Tomorrow we have a short session and then are heading off to the spa and a show.
I definitely had to stop myself from drunk texting H last night. H had sent me a text about the kids. I wrote the text and then came to my senses and deleted it.
In his text, h said that he is going to bake a cake with the kids tonight. I had to read it a few times since I had been drinking and make sure I was reading it right. My H has never baked anything in his entire life. I would pay a lot of money to be able to secretly watch. I am proud of H for trying new things with the kids.
New experience tonight ... after dinner we went out to a club. We hung out and everyone drank although i took it easy after last night. For the first time in years and years I got hit on by a guy. It felt good. We just talked. He was divorced and has a kid. He did not run away when I told him I had kids, which is a huge fear that I have that no one will want to be with a mom of three little ones. It was good to see that I really do have options if my M does not work out. I don't have to grow old alone. I still want my H but I think it will help to alleviaw some of my fears. Off to bed before another day of classes tomorrow. This trip could not have come at a better time. I needed some time to just be 3 and nothing else.
New experience tonight ... after dinner we went out to a club. We hung out and everyone drank although i took it easy after last night. For the first time in years and years I got hit on by a guy. It felt good. We just talked. He was divorced and has a kid. He did not run away when I told him I had kids, which is a huge fear that I have that no one will want to be with a mom of three little ones. It was good to see that I really do have options if my M does not work out. I don't have to grow old alone. I still want my H but I think it will help to alleviaw some of my fears. Off to bed before another day of classes tomorrow. This trip could not have come at a better time. I needed some time to just be 3 and nothing else.
Hi 3! What a great experience. I had a similar thing recently that helped me tonfeel human again. I've. Been rejected in my M for a long time. It was nice to know someone will see value in me if I choose to move on. She remarked that she could see I was exuding self confidence and a sense of happiness that she was attracted to. Learn tolove ourselves first and others may also appreciate us
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
That's funny about your H baking a cake . . . around Christmas my H (who HATES crafts and refuses to step into a Michael's store) decided to do some crafts with the kids - they decorated stockings to hang in his apartment. I guess it was nice that he did that with the kids, but I thought, "wow, he really has no idea what to do with them, and has to copy what I do with them even if he hates it." Maybe I am just mean.
I am sooooooooooo glad you did not text your H!! Good for you for deleting it.
And that is great that you had the opportunity to see that there is life after D, if things don't work out with your H. I know you still want your H, but I think it's really important to see that there are other options. That not being with him won't actually be the end of the world. I think it removes the desperation aspect and helps us to think more clearly about what we want and need.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
It is so interesting to see how much of our situations can be predicted in advance. When I got on the plane, I left all of my worries and fears and sadness behind. I was determined to enjoy by little work break and find myself again. It has been amazing. With the time difference, I have been talking to the boys during the day since they are asleep by the time I get out of my classes. Plus I was trying to get a break from my H. And what happens when I pull back...H starts to pursue. I figured that he would since he knew where I was going and that we would be heading out each night. He wrote me a few times last night and I did not respond. H called this morning and I answered assuming that the kids were calling. The kids did not want to talk but h was really chatty, even flirty. He asked a bunch of questions about what we were doing and where we went. I know that while my H is not sure if he wants me, he does not like the idea of me being with someone else. We hung up and then sent a bunch of texts after. For a few minutes today, it felt like my H was back. But i am very realistic and now that this is just part of the dance and things will go back to normal when I get on the plane when H no longer feels threatened.
I have only been home for a few hours and I already wish that I did not have to leave my little vacation away from reality. I had an amazing time and was truly happy for four days. Of course I missed my kiddos like crazy, but I felt better about myself than I have in YEARS. I want to go back right now. I know that i can't escape reality and need to go through this pain and hard work.
In addition to some innocent flirting, I had another first on my trip. I recently removed by wedding ring. My coworker totally called me out on it one night. Iexpected someone to ask so I was prepared. For the first time ever, I said out loud "my H and I are separated.". When I told my best friends, I told them via email because I knew that I would not be able to get the words out. So I just took a deep breathe and said it. Of course everyone overheard our conversation and the news spread. Even though it was hard, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. No more living a lie everyday. Plus I wanted people to know so that if I flirted a bit they did not think it was weird. Another steps towards detachment. Another step towards my new life whatever it may hold.
Don't be surprised if you have a little letdown now that you are back. It happened to me, and it was hard. But, even if you do feel a little down, you have your little guys to pick you up, and you will bounce back, I promise!
Good for you for telling people you are separated. That is one thing I am dreading. I have told very few people, and those are people I trust with anything. What happened when you told? Did they say "I'm sorry" and move on? Or did they ask what happened? I am nervous about dealing with this. I really don't want to be the subject of gossip.
Perhaps it's just letting go of the fear of telling people and knowing that whatever they think, it's not their business, and their opinion doesn't matter.
Sorry, didn't mean to make this about myself.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Good for you for telling people you are separated. That is one thing I am dreading. I have told very few people, and those are people I trust with anything. What happened when you told? Did they say "I'm sorry" and move on? Or did they ask what happened? I am nervous about dealing with this. I really don't want to be the subject of gossip.
M - I did get a lot of questions: What happened? How long ago? Did you move out? Why did your H leave? What do you think will happen? Are you dating? Do you want to be married to him? I pretty much said that H moved out and does not know what he wants. I said that I really have no idea what is going to happen but that I am just trying to focus on myself and the kids and keep moving forward. I did clarify that I was not dating yet and that I did have hope for our M. Honestly, the hardest part was getting out the words "h and I are separated." I do feel like people are surprised that I cant give them a straight answer to the question "what happened." I hate that question because (1) I still cant believe that it happened and (2) because that really is no ones business. I don't want to tell the truth (H had an A and wants to live like a 20 year old), so I tried to just avoid answering.
One the the partners in my firm left his wife and remarried. He and his new wife were both on the trip. They had the most questions and "advice". I think that I am finally at a point that I am comfortable with my current situation and can let others advice and/or judgments roll off my back. I told on my own terms when I was ready.
I also understand now why my H is loving his new life. For four days, I had NO responsibilities other than showing up for a few classes. I had no kids, did not have to clean/cook/pay bills. I went out and drank and just had fun. There was no one to nag me about real life issues. No wonder my H loves his new carefree life. I can see how you can be addicted to having no responsibilities because the freedom is nice and refreshing. Now I know why my H is trying so hard to keep the best of both worlds. Yet I also know that you cant live in this fantasy forever.
That is a big step 3BM. I can't imagine it yet, you must feel a little bit more free of fear. Your observation of how good a life without obligation must feel for H is one I need to think about.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
