my wife left, but still lives with me #2/continued

[AnotherStander]

It said basically that if you love someone and they don't love you back, it is ok.

It's OK in the respect that it doesn't define who you are. In other words, if you love them and they don't love you back, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it just means that it's the choice that that person is making right now. Maybe they'll choose to love you later, or maybe never. But regardless, you make the most of who you are and you keep moving forward.

Part of the pain I have been feeling is based on the perception of not 'feeling worthy' of love from my spouse. Her actions, her lack of love back towards me, in no way affects the 'worthiness' of me.

Quite right! You're still early in your sitch, as the months stretch on you will come to embrace this thought more and more.

[tough spot]

One of my wife's chats with her friends said 'my mom is loaning me money to get an attorney, then the attorney can get the judge to kick him out of the house'.

I don't think that is possible unless she lies? Wouldn't she have to say i was abusive or something in order for a judge to be able to kick me out of my house? Anyone know the legalities of this type thing?

[OneDay]

Hey tough. It's me scott. Got a new screen name. Thought WAS might have found my thread.

Not sure about ur current sitch, but if the cops haven't been called or nothing major has been reported recently than I doubt anyone could kick you out of your home. Read sandi's rules again tonigh.

How is everything else going?

[tough spot]

Just got back to the house. Went out for several hours. That 'chat' with her friend was pretty tough. She had left for 3 days and before she left she mentioned to her friend that she 'wouldn't have to talk to him for 3 days, yay!).

It has been tense here, but i have never said a snide comment, never yelled, only talk about R if she initiates (mostly, failed a few times on initiating). I have never 'behaved' so well as far as disagreements go. She is going to borrow money from her mom for an attorney.

She hasn't told me that, she hasn't even filed. I thought we were going to work out all the details and then have attorneys draw up the paperwork. Sounds like that is going to change. I cannot believe how different she seems. It is almost border line hate.....and i can't think of anything i have done that would warrant such a reaction.

IDK!

[FloydMan]

You haven't done anything. To her you have though...you are in her way from getting what she wants. Just be prepared for the nasties but don't take it personally. If she wants out, she can leave. Continue to be a good boy and don't let her provoke you. She is being coached on how to get you out of there. Wear a halo. Walk away if she confronts you.

[tough spot]

So every Friday we go to eat at the same restaurant with my MIL. MIL pays, else we wouldn't be able to afford that. This week I said to my wife 'no, i won't be going because i think you would have less stress and enjoy it more without me'. I said that in a calm even tone.

I haven't enjoyed going so much these last few weeks because I feel like the 5th wheel and my wife has been uneasy in my presence lately. What do you guys think......is that detaching, am i blowing an opportunity to have something to share with my wife, is that giving her some needed space?

looking for some opinions.

thanks

[25yearsmlc]

So I go to bed last night and say 'good night' to my wife. She responds with 'good night' but with a tone. Based on earlier today and that response i ask 'why are you angry with me'. She responds that she 'isn't angry with me...sigh'.


Ask her HOW she feels, instead of telling her how she feels and then demanding a justification or reassurance. DO you see the difference?

So I ask if she wants to talk about it and she says 'no thankyou'.
So, I went to sleep. Now that is an exciting end to a loaded conversation!

We have a mutual couple as friends. I know that my wife talks to just the wife of the other couple about us. I have picked up that their relationship isn't going awesome as well, and that that wife talks to my wife about their relationship. I have a call into the husband for us going out and doing something.

I wonder if that makes her nervous. I was originally just going to 'do something/GAL' with the guy but i think i may have an agenda as well.

I don't think that agenda has anything more to it that just talking to another guy who is in a relationship that is having difficulties.


Seriously? I think you have another agenda. I think your agenda is to gather information and to make your case to a friend you hope will join your "alliance" b/c you believe that will aid you.

But I think it's going to look manipulative and will prove unproductive. If you had any real control here, we'd tell you. But trying to maneuver, is going to backfire.

I will have to be careful of what I say if we do wind up doing something. Geez, i sound nervous like I am going on a 'date' or something. A man date. Maybe I am more confused than I think i am, lol!

That's b/c you know you are not being honest here or with yourself about the agenda.

Be careful what you wish for and be much more discreet. Your w will feel suspicious so don't feed into that.

[FloydMan]

What was her reaction ?

[tough spot]

She took my not going to dinner in stride. No big deal. When she got back we briefly talked about finances. I had to ask her to put some money into our old joint account because i didn't have enough to pay all the bills.

We have to sit down and figure out what she is going to pay for and what i am going to pay for.
The talk we had briefly about finances she said 'you are turning this into a conversation, you just need to tell me what to pay for because you are the finance guy'.........

[tough spot]

25years-I did get some similar advice as to what you were saying, about asking her about her feelings/listening/validating.

I gave it a try a few days later. It didn't work that time but i can definately see how it is less confrontational and will go that route again, if the opportunity presents itself.