Not really sure WHAT to call this crazy...

[PortiaM]

I'm new here and since neither my husband nor I have brought up divorce, this may not be the right place. I haven't read Divorce Busting yet, but will if others think that I can apply techniques to my marriage!

Like others, I never expected this. Like others, my husband said he didn't go "looking for this." We had been blissfully married for 18 years when my husband told me that he had flown to one of his out-of-town offices to let a co-worker know that he was "smitten" with her. She's 30 and a newlywed. She responded by telling him that she really likes him, too, but that she'd already broken up a marriage before and that "devastated" her. He said this wouldn't break up his marriage because he and I are best friends and share one heart and I would be happy for him. He actually believed this. He told me he just wanted a "friend" when he goes to this office (which is about every other week). When he told me this, the intent was to do things socially together.

I asked him if they had held hands or kissed. He said no. When she told her husband about the conversation, he asked if they'd had sex. My husband laughed at the difference in trusting spouses.

Following his trip, the two started exchanging emails and texts at a furious rate. They exchanged music. They exchanged photos. He wrote her in the middle of the night that he was up thinking of her and that he was "smitten." She wrote back that she wanted to stay snuggled in bed and read his texts. I told him he was having an emotional affair and this was hurting me.

The next week, however, they held hands. Then they kissed (in his office...in front of my picture...). Then they went to her hotel room and did more than that - but less than sex. Does this sound like the behavior of a woman who was devastated that she caused the divorce of a co-worker???? It took exactly one conversation with her to reel her in, and she was the one who grabbed his hands, and said, "You're never going to kiss me..." My husband swears she's a nice woman, but I have my own theories.

My husband keeps telling me that he "loves his life" and "loves his family." He tells me that he is married to me forever and we are going to grow old together. He reminds me again and again that I am his best friend. He says his parents would be devastated if they knew about this. He doesn't want our children to know. This is some house of cards, right?

I went into a pretty rapid downturn. I've lost 20 lbs. I seriously feel like I have anxiety attacks, and I often cry when I'm alone in the car. I cried all the time for the first six weeks. When I told him that he was having an affair, he said he didn't care. He also told me that my sad behavior only drove him to her. He said he wanted his happy wife back. I told him to end the relationship. He won't because it would make OW "sad."

He believes that because he's telling me what's going on that it's not an affair (WHAT?) because he's being honest. He also tells me that I shouldn't read their texts or emails because "I couldn't handle" what they say to one another. I've stopped reading them. They just piss me off.

She's been out of the country for three weeks, so I got a little break from the constant messaging, and it was really great, actually. He wasn't getting the psychotic dopamine hits all the time. I also had said to him at one point, "Don't get her pregnant and don't get a disease. Seriously - you guys are going to have to talk about past sexual partners even though you've told me that you don't care about her sexual history. You have to do it because that's what responsible adults do, and if you ever sleep with her, you're making me sleep with her, too. Oh, and by the way - we have no idea if her husband knows about this and if he's okay with it because HE'S got something on the side, too....So the person who has the most to lose here is me, because as far as I know, I'm the only one who is taking marital vows seriously right now." That actually meant something to him, but we'll see how strong he is about that once he goes away this week.

She sent him a picture on his birthday of her in her bikini (from her trip with her husband). She has sent him other pictures of her in bikinis. She sends him pictures when she's getting her nails done so he can help her pick the nail polish. It. Is. Ridiculous.

I can't keep up. It's funny - because on my own I had started to take better care of my appearance before she came into our marriage. My H noted that I've been doing this (because of her, he told her) and she said, "I'm sorry that she feels that way but I understand..." I don't think she actually gives one crap about how I feel.

H thinks that all of this is going to blow over and die its own death because she wants to have kids soon. I'm terrified that her husband is going to learn of all of this and leave her. They've only been married since September. I'm even more terrified that she's going to try to rope in my H. She's 13 years younger than I am, and new and different. She also sends him messages like, "I imagine if we lived together...." WHY IS SHE IMAGINING THAT??? It makes me absolutely nauseated.

So...he leaves on Tuesday. Weeks ago I had warned him that I didn't know how I was going to do this week. On previous trips, he and I would spend evenings talking to one another via the computer. I'm not going to wait for him to come home from his "dates" to talk to him. I don't want to know what they did. I can't prevent him from doing anything, anyway. Twice I've asked him to end this, and both times he cried. One time he said he would have to drive the 800 miles to go and break up with her in person because it would be "mean" to do it by email. (Give me a break.) So, I sit and wait...and wonder every single day if I have the strength to get through another day. Somehow, I do. Somehow, I'm smiling at him these days. Most days I make it through the day without reminding him that he's kicking the crap out of my heart.

FWIW, our sex life was super active throughout our marriage, so that's not what was broken. I truly can't figure out WHAT was broken other than the fact that he just wanted some variety and he found someone who was willing to give it to him. When I met him, I thought he was going to be the most faithful, best man ever, so never did I dream this....He even said he thought she might be safe because she was a newlywed, but clearly she's giving it up WAY easier than he expected. And while I say that I don't want to know what's going on, part of that is because if I know when they become sexually intimate, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to continue having sex with him. That is just far too painful for me. Already I freak out at a lot of our physical contact, wondering if he's comparing me to his 30-year old hottie. (ugh). And while I will absolutely mourn the loss of our physical relationship, it would be stupid for me to risk my own health because of his stupid indiscretions. It's not like I think she's some saint, and as I've already mentioned, who knows how her husband is coping with this.

He really is planning for the future with me. He's organized a trip for the two of us to go to the Caribbean in a few months, and we're running a half-marathon together and training for a century ride together in the summer. We spend a lot of time training together, which keeps us very involved in one another's lives...but that's not giving him space or making me mysterious. Of course, he's not asking me for space, just permission, which I'm not giving him, but he's going ahead with this "friendship" anyway.

Confusing, right?

Midlife crisis? Maybe. He's suddenly concerned with things like his body....("Can you make an appointment for me to be waxed?" Me: "No.") Or the fact that he needs his teeth whitened. He also wants to have weekly dinners with his family. I don't know what to call this other than awful.

So....thoughts on how to get through the next week? Month? Year? I'm going to be a mess....It's one day at a time....I've told none of my friends or family, so I'm struggling through this solo.