Husband moved out...

[peaceSJ]

Last night H told me he will file soon, he wants to discuss the child support and 50/50 time share. As a mother of two young kids, I can not imagine i separate from my kids and only can see them half of the time. But H thinks the kids are not necessarily to see their parents every day. It is not my purpose to use kids as an excuse to refuse divorce.
How do I repond my H?

[peaceSJ]

I will really appreciate your inputs. Thank you in advance.

Btw, I really think it will affect kids if they sleep at two places every three days. also they will no longer spend their time with both daddy and mommy. It is heart broken.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Peace,

I have teenagers and basically heard the same thing from W. How this would not affect the kids, etc. I am reading a book right now called," The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce", which documents a 25 year study of children of divorce and the affect it has on them. Basically divorce affects the kids of all ages from infant to adult. I would suggest getting it an reading it before you make any decisions regarding custody, visitation and living arrangements. The best suggestion in regards to the children is that since they did not choose this that they stay in the house and the parents work out a trade off of who stays with them when and the other stays in another living situation.

[ye21]

Last night H told me he will file soon, he wants to discuss the child support and 50/50 time share.

Great, whatever his reasons are, (we don't know them, and you should stop trying to know...) they are valid reasons and you have to respect them.Now you are weak so you cant really see things in a proper way, its detach time...

When we start to detach there are a few things that happens:
Guilty , we feel guilty because since we are the only ones fighting for the relationship in a direct way we feel we cant allow ourselves stop the thinking about the other person....that for us mean give up...but the reality is that we are not giving up, we just take a step back, to be able to take a proper look at the whole situation.

He is fighting but he fights in a different way, you have to understand this, he is fighting for his life and other things and he needs air, the air that will give him the chance to see your R in a different way.
Its time to give up for a little, to do things in a different way and to bring new things to your life. I know this is not what you want to hear, but look if there is a way you guys can get back together, this is the only way...
You have to see this R like dead, this is a death relationship and when a relationship is dead you cant bring that R back because it will be weak.

But we can have a new R,and this new R will be one in which you are a person that knows what its important for her and what she doesn't want and he will be commited to that...

So this is the way you will reach a victory in this situation:
1- Detach: every minute that comes to your brain memories of the things that you didn't like in your M its a victory for you, so you have to pay attention to that, and embrace to those feelings.
You are in denial now, everything in the R seemed perfect for you, but seriously just think about how the new H will be a better one..maybe he didn't put his underwear to wash, maybe he pee all over the toilet...maybe he didn't knew how to dance...

Those are the things that you have to focus on right now to start to detach, in a little bit you will feel less and less guilty for stop thinking about the R, anyway that R died right?
So there is where you need to be now.

Everytime you try to "fix" the R you are really just destroying everything more and making yourself more weak and also making your kids more unhappy.

He wants to get out of the R? good, ask God to give you the strength to accept this....God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change and the courage to change the things I can..
You can change yourself, go to the movies, get a haircut, get a massage, take a vacation, cook a great meal for those kids.

Everything we do its consequence of...so put that to work on your side...If you loose the R forever it will be consequence of you pushing him to talk or react about it.

Lets let him go completely, he needs space to see the whole sight in a different way, that will help him change in many ways, he might need to have a new relationship, he might need to go out and do things you could not even imagine, however he uses this time its out of your business and it will not change the whole end of this..

This is very important, everyday you stop feeling guilty you will advance one baby step to have A NEW RELATIONSHIP with him, and that's all that all of us want at the end, but we are so deep into our pain ans hurt that we rather take all the suffering so we can keep the dead body with us...

There is a great exercise to do, write in a paper all the things you didn't like about him, each one of them don't forget none!!

Get your car or just walk to your backyard or to a place where you can dig a small hole and put that paper in a small box, throw the box in the hole and bury the box...you are in a funeral, the one for your dead old R.

Time to get a new one, and the only way we can get a new one with him its first realizing what we want and we don't want, so he is giving you the gift of time, time that will make you realize how great you are and how you are not gonna have a weak R anymore..

Keep strong we are here in this funeral with you!!

[lovethehub]

Peace,

I'm sorry things are progressing this way, hang in there.

[peaceSJ]

Hi all, thank you for your replies and support. Lifes Twists, thank you for recommending the book, I will read it. Hope my H is wiling to read it as well.
Ye21, you are right. Like every one here advised me, I need to detach more from him. I have been trying to detach during the past couple months, sometimes I felt better, sometimes worse. But whatever I did, the thing is still progressing to what I do not want to. At the beginning he just wanted to separate. Then he decided to move out. Now it seems he cannot wait to file. I am wondering if I did something pushed him away further? maybe one of the reason is the OW involved.
Also I am not sure if I should agree to discuss the D and child support stuffs with him, or simply tell him I do not want to talk about it now.
Honestly in my heart I can not accept D.

[ye21]

ok Peacesj you have to know that you will be fine no matter what...
its very important that you detach, and here is why:
When you don't detach you tend to try to control what the other person does, as I hope you can see here look:

Lifes Twists, thank you for recommending the book, I will read it. Hope my H is wiling to read it as well.

You think that you still right and he is wrong, so you keep thinking that you can show him the right way to do things.
Basically you have an insecurity of thinking that whatever you do if its not approved by him, its not valid.

Wrong, whatever you do its completely valid, because you are not perfect and you don't want to be either, just live the life, in life people does mistakes, including you and that's how we grow.
That's how we become more mature.

You will have to accept D because that's how you will be able to deal with all this, if you accept the D you will become stronger and with no expectations from all this.
Your kids need a mom right now, and they need a cool mom, one that goes to the gym, that takes them to their games, that its funny and loves herself.
This is a gift, think about this like your vacations from the married life.
No annoying husband around, just you and the kids...

He is not perfect, but there is only one way he can see that, by you detaching.

Once you detach he will be able to work on his issues, but if you don't detach, he is gonna continue to acusse you of everything and not take care of his issues.
Also this is not a probed method, he might or might not work on his issues. But again YOU DONT care about that, you care about you, about doing things that you like.

Let him go, don't push things anymore, show him that you have little time for another kid, that you have to take care of a real woman, if you don't do this, he is definetly gonna file for D soon.

So let him be and use this time wisely, use it for yourself, to loose those extra pounds, to eat healthier, to learn to run barefoot. And then let God take care of everything else...

Trust me, God knows what s/he is doing and why s/he is doing it.

[planet]

peaceSJ
A family friend's H left her for OW. He claimed to be happy then. The W left him alone and go about her business. He returned after 6 or 8 years swearing he doesn't want anything to do with OW anymore...in church!
Now, they are happily playing grandparents to their young grandchildren.

You are a good W and a good person. You don't really deserve this and you still think you pushed him away.
When are you going to stop thinking this way? You've spent a whole thread discussing H and OW.

He is obviously unhappy for a very long period. He told you so. He found OW which made him felt 'alive'. The OW could be anyone. It doesn't matter. He thinks he's 'happy' now with her.
Honestly, I don't think highly of the OW in your case.
And I'm not asking you to wait 6 to 8 years either. That's up to you.
Just be happy. That's going to be very attractive not just to your H but to many men.

[planet]

peaceSJ
I have read your threads twice and I can't find any post that shows you vilifying or blaming your H. Not even a rap on the knuckles.

That to me shows character and without much of an ego. You sacrificed and made life as comfortable as possible for your H and kids. You are a good and responsible W and mother. You even understood your own short comings and offered to change for him. What more does he wants?
I'm sorry but your H is a bit of an as****e with his childish maneuverings and excuses. I'm sorry but I can't be as diplomatic as others. I'm truly upset for you.

He can't see a gem that you are. In a respectable conservative chinese family, they would have disown the son who leaves his family for no apparent good reason.

You can still save your M If you still want it, by waking up to the fact you are WORTH much much more and live it. Your H will want back in some day.

FWIW, you are the perfect W in my books.

[peaceSJ]

Hi Ye21 and Planet, thank you for bringing the valuable points and also your encouraging words. Actually H thinks I am a terrible wife (I know I am not), and he tolerated for more than 10 years and he cannot do it anymore.
You're right. I need to concentrate more about myself and the kids, and stop thinking H.
From now on I have to keep reminding myself "no more expectation." Emotionally detaching is more important.
One day H told me in a very cold tone "what I am doing now is none of your business any more." It is heart broken, but I guess that's the reality I have to accept.
Regarding the timeshare of child custody and the place they will stay, I still have to find out what's the best way for the kids. I think letting them sleep in one place is better, at least during the school days. But definitely H will not agree. He threated me if we cannot reach an agreement, we have to let the court decide.