Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting!

[KGirl]

Thanks, AS. Have started to read it and slowly working my way through - it's definitely a long story!

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days on a few topics:

-I think I can safely say I've taken my H "off the pedestal". I've met with an IC a few times and one of the exercises I was asked to do was write out my needs in a relationship. I'm not optimistic that H would be able to meet those needs if he were to come around. I'm now realizing that my H is much like one of the examples in DR - the one where the wife is unhappy with the husband when he goes out late w/ friends, MWD asks him what was different about the times where she was not unhappy, he says it's when he checked in with her to let her know where he was and when he'd be back, MWD says "why not do that all the time?" and H says "because I don't think I should have to!" That's my H to a T. If it doesn't make sense to him or is something he "shouldn't have to do", he won't do it, even if it would make someone else (me) much happier and would cause him no harm or pain. Personal example: I got kinda sad one day when I went on facebook and 3 people my age either had a baby or found out they were pregnant that day. I know I'm not ready for kids but I just felt kinda left out. I shared this with my H, who responded in anger "why are you upset about that?? That's just stupid. We know we don't want kids right now, who cares what they are doing". When I said I know but it just made me sad and I just wanted him to listen, he said "No, I'm not just gonna sit and listen to something that I think is dumb and makes no sense." Same w/ being out after work, not letting me see his e-mail ("There's nothing to hide, but I'm allowed to have my privacy"), etc. I just can't see him losing his stubbornness/self-righteousness for the sake of our marriage and that makes me sad.

-The main 180 that I've been trying (as the rest of them are "not doing" things, like not questioning where he is/being jealous or controlling about his activities) is also making me sad and frustrated, and I'm not sure if I should keep doing it. As mentioned earlier H feels like I'm not complimentary/admiring/proud/appreciative of him, and that doesn't come easy for, so I've been trying to do more of that. However, 90% of the time he responds in a negative/smart-*** way, so it's not encouraging me to keep doing it. Examples of responses he gives when I tell him I appreciate him making dinner, or getting up early to clear snow, or that I really like that shirt on him:
-"well it had to be done and someone had to do it"
-"I was making dinner for myself anyway"
-"I know, everyone at work tells me that" (re: the shirt)
-"You already told me that last time I did that/wore that"
I won't say never, but hardly ever is it just a "thanks", "you're welcome", or even just a "yep". This is where I can only work on myself so far and he has to figure himself out. If this is how he reacts when people try to compliment him or appreciate him, it's no wonder others/I stopped. He's even irritable/rude to me lately with small talk, even if he starts the conversation and I respond to him. The only time he's happy is if he starts talking and I just sit and listen and not say anything. Maybe this will work in "crisis mode" but I'm not going to just be a mute listening W forever. A month or two before BD I semi-jokingly said that it seems like his ideal W would be someone who does all the cooking, cleaning, and chores, has dinner ready when he gets home every night, does all the errands, doesn't ask him any questions, doesn't say anything about herself, but will always listen to anything he says and ML whenever he wants (based on several things he said leading up to that). He responded "actually, yes, that sounds pretty good" and wasn't really joking. I will not be that for him. It's hard to continue to DB/be optimistic and have PMA when I don't see how we can be what each other wants us to be. Pretty negative, huh? : /