I called to ask about Retro- and they said I had to be married. I was pinning all my hopes that it would be the solution to all this. Problem is I have all these things about the past in my head and I don't know how to talk about them to H in a constructive healthy way. I worry that it will come out all wrong (spiteful, resentful). I worry that he will feel overwhelmed just listening. I hate seeing him look overwhelmed.
I got the number to a MC a friend went to and we would have to pay him out of pocket. We don't have extra money to do this. Next is doing Bible study. My friend who I got the MC # from has been trying to get me to attend bible study. She believes it's the solution to all this. I have nothing to lose.
I think I know who could be my sponsor. I've hesitated asking people because I worry that I will pick the wrong person and find myself in a situation where I need to say, I'm sorry this isn't working out. Break up with my sponsor is my fear.
I want to share with him what I went through during our separation. I've shared it before but I want to share it again. I don't know if I'm looking for validation, empathy, remorse. This is why I haven't said anything. I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons, to make him feel guilty.
I think I want him to validate it. But in the meetings I learn that I don't need him to validate it. I need to do it myself. This is too much for me. I feel overwhelmed when I think about working on this on my own.
That's all for tonite. I'm going to have to do something else to relax my thoughts before I go to bed.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
