One of the reasons I found my way to this board while was a WAW in an A, was b/c something inside me was telling me was in a mess and needed guidance. In fact, I first tried an on-line "Christian" forum, but all I found that particular time was some people cutting up and not giving me the help I was desperately needing. Thank God, I found this site and the right people found me.
Most people who come here believe their stitch is different, but mine really was. (ha). The only thing different was that I was the WAS who was in an A that came looking for help. My H never(to my knowledge) sought out any guidance or support. I even asked him if we could attend MC to help us...and he said no. So, that part made my stitch different from most newcomers who come here.
I felt very much like the minority not only b/c most everyone else were the LBS, but b/c of my age. I was terribly embarrassed to be having all the signs of one who was in MLC but have board members tell me I was too old to be going through "mid" life crises. The first year of posts, I make references to my age quite often in my posts, but I finally got over it. Now I have heard MWD say that people can have the crises that is usually referred to as mid-life at any point. The only reason I mention it now is b/c I wanted you to realize the stage of life my H and I are in....is not or may not be the same as a younger couple. With that said, I want you/everyone to know that no matter how long a couple is M, it does not lessen the pain of an A. If anything, I wonder if it's not worse to have decades of complete trust in another.....and discover one day that the person you thought you knew has completely changed into some stranger.
So, whether it was a MLC or not...who knows. But I have noticed so many LBH'S want to believe his W is having a MLC instead of accepting she is a WAW. Either case is not a good place to be experiencing and it sure can turn lives upside down. So the way or timing for me cannot measure every other WAW or MLC. I do wonder, however, if I had been younger if I would have stayed. I like to think I would have.
As I said last time, my H was not getting tools, like you are getting to DB. I was getting a lot of support here, but after all, DB is advice for the one who wants to save the M. If my H had received the information available here,it sure would have helped! As it was, he really did nothing as far as making any changes in himself or seeing a MC. So I came here to this board every single night. At first I was helped to see OM and this long distant A for what it really was. There were two women back then who were a godsend to me. At times they had to hold my hand just to help me get through the addiction and grieving period of the A. But do you know who really taught me about the pain I had caused? Itwasn't my H telling me, but the LBH'S who came here seeking help and me reading their stories of how their W was acting. I saw myself over and over and knew before many of them what they would soon discover about their W. You asked me how I came to accept my part of the blame for what was,wrong in the M. I have to give a lot of credit to the people who were here mentoring me when I needed it the most.
"She has mentioned more than once not wanting to go to hell for her decision. I thought we were both people who believed in grace and forgiveness (the heart of the gospel) but I am seeing now that maybe she has often "done the right thing" out of fear. I don't know how to respond when she says things like that. I've told her I believe God forgives even when we make the wrong choice, but I don't know what else to say."
Even God doesn't want His children to serve Him out of fear or obligation. He wants us to love Him and desire a relationship with him. If we use that knowledge of Him and His relationships, then we should not want our loved ones to do things out of fear or stay with us b/c they don't want to go to hell. That's why God gave humans the ability to choose. After all, what value does love hold if you are not free to choose if you love.....or who you love? I know I sure wouldn't want my H to just stay out of obligation! I have read some men's stories where I wonder if they really want the W to stay so badly....even out of nothing more than obligation. Wow, that would be pretty awful for both in the M.
Right now she may be staying more out of the sense of choosing to do the right thing over doing what she believes will condemn her. You said she is having a faith crises. Do you mean she doubts what she was taught to believe, or is she having doubts in God's love, or His existence? She must believe He is real if she's concern about her soul. If she feels guilty over her EA, or other things, it could cause her to doubt salvation, as well as many other spiritual areas.
"My therapist suggested I gain more clarity by asking whether she was choosing willingly to spend time together once a week, or whether it was a concession to delay making a choice about leaving or staying. When I asked her if she was choosing it willingly, she said that was a good question that she would need to talk to her therapist about. That was a few weeks ago and we haven't followed up on that. I know that she doesn't want to do this but since she brought it up as an idea would if be harmful if we try it?"
Why would she feel she has to ask her T about it? How long has she seen this T?
"Do you now feel that you have intimacy with your H? Did you feel something like bereavement toward your marriage back then, almost like your H was dead to you? She has mentioned that several times, along with the feeling that once something is dead, it is dead."
We were so young when we M that I actually mourned over the loss of the boy I M a long time ago. I still miss him and could cry right now. But he had to grow up and so did I. Since then, I've had to mourn again. When I say "mourn" I mean that i feel sad b/c I know he and I can't be those two kids again. I have had to mourn over several things that have past and won't come back. Our youth, health, looks, etc. I would be lying if I denied it. But it goes along with all those transitions in life. It was while mourning my youth, health, and looks, that I got into such a mess and it became a crises. Part of it may have been all the meds I was taking and the way different doctors jerked me around on and off with anti-depressants.....but I had free will, remember?
Now we are older and our health is not that great. I really worry about my H b/c his health went on a downward spiral after discovering my EA. Our health problems have been a "challenge" in the intimacy dept. Life can sure be ironic sometimes. Now I suppose we are transitioning for yet another of life's stages.
Back to what,she said about your M being dead and what's dead is dead. Has she ever heard about these actors who reinvent themselves so they have this "comeback"? That's what you have to do in a MR. Unless you have the perfect M! Sure she misses how it use to be. She may dream of a romantic lover. She may dream of herself looking differently. She's unhappy and trying to find something to make her feel better. Maybe going back to school or reinventing herself? But if she isn't getting her emotional needs met, I think a woman will seek it out some way.
I hope I have answered most your questions, but I'll try to wrap it up with these last few.
"Did your H finding out about the EA kind of bust the romance of it, since it was now revealed? Did you resent him even more for that?"
Him finding out did not bust the romance. I did resent him terribly. He would spy and snoop and I thought I nealrly hated him for it. B/c he was his most I attractive when he did this. So was I.
"Did H leave you alone during this time, kind of do his own thing and LRT? Was the depression still directed toward H? "
At first he pursued and I couldn't stand him near me! He would tell me ILY just to see if I would say it back, and get mad when I didn't. Later he felt so defeated, I think he gave up. Told one of our kids he couldn't make me love hi . He was right. My depressions got worse after I ended EA. He knew I had decided to stay in the M before the two year stretch. However, I think he thought I would put more effort into it.
I don't think I could urge you to invite your W into a new MR with you. Timing is EVERYTHING. You can't do things like that, hoping it will enject some kind of enthusiasm into her or help push over closer to you. Of course I don't know her, but thinking as a WAW, I think it would be a big risk to turning her off even further.
You are probably wondering what's a H to do, especially after saying she probably wants romance.
Since my fingers are worn out from the past two posts, I will have to save that part for next time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
